Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Sometimes I think I want too much out of life. And I don’t mean little things like the fact that I’d love to have more readers on my blog (although I really would) or finally mastering some recipe or losing the fifty or more pounds I need to lose. I want to do so much with my life, and some of it is all so different.

I want to change the world, make it better, and I want to practice law. For so long I’ve wanted to be a lawyer, and I’ve done as much as I can to make that happen. I’ve given up so much to do it. I feel like I lost Jake to my own ambition because I left before I should have; if I had stayed in TN just one more year instead of rushing off at the first change I got, maybe things would have turned out differently for us, and then maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely. But that’s not the point. The point is that I so desperately want to be a lawyer, and I’m so afraid that I may never become one. I don’t what I’d do with my life if I couldn’t go to law school and become a lawyer. I’d give everything to be able to do that.

But I also want to bake; I want to make amazing cookies and cakes. I think it would terrific to be able to make these fabulous creations that make people smile when they see them. How does that add up? I mean becoming a lawyer and owning a bakery, or maybe just a small shop that sell custom orders only. I love baking, and I love being able to be creative in the kitchen. I had so much fun baking my niece’s third birthday cake, and I would love to keep improving. My Grandmother offered to send me to classes to learn stuff, and I’m really tempted to take her up on that offer. It would be great to be able to really decorate cakes and to make those beautiful and adorable cookies I see on other food blogs all the time.

When I said that I want too much out of life, I meant it. You see I want to write. I mean really write. I’ve always been passionate about the written word both reading it and writing for myself. It should come as no surprise that I have read thirty two books towards my goal of reading one hundred books in the year 2012. Someday I’d like to be published. I’d like to write something amazing and brilliant, something worth reading. I have folders full of unfinished works that I just haven’t been able finish. I have so many ideas, and I just want to write everything.

I want so much, and I’m so afraid that I want to much. I want to write and bake and practice law. I want to be happy most of all. I want to be happy.

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In other news I have a new obsession. You can find me on pinterest! I don’t know what makes it so fabulous, but I love it.

Vain and Gratuitous Picture to update you on my appearance (edited in photoshop out of boredom)

But the problem with a blog when you have no life is that you have nothing to write about. Most of the time my life consists of playing in Photoshop, occasionally writing on novels that may never be finished, tons of reading, and cooking (lots and lots of cooking). Just a reminder, I talk about my culinary adventures at A Taste of Joy, and I promise to update that blog more often. In fact, my goal is to blog more from now on, and hopefully I can manage that.

Before I start with the updates on what little has transpired in the life of Nic, let me begin by saying that this blog will hopefully become a lot more interesting. I’m not going to be blogging about major political issues or anything like that, though I may talk about important issues that have been on my mind a lot, but I am going to hopefully talk more about life as I experience it. This includes blogging about the books I read, the movies I see, things I see, and things that happen in my life. Whether or not that will be interesting or worth reading is yet to be determined, but writing used to be a great outlet for me; I intend to let it be that again. So on with the blogging.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing a lot of reading, and you can find my Goodreads updates both on my sidebar and by visiting my account. I’m open to book recommendations and friends there. I plan to blog more about my literary adventures, including reviews of sorts of the books I’m reading.

Currently I am halfway through a re-read of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones so that I can move on to reading A Clash of Kings, and it’s one of those books that is so dense and rich that reading it a second time gives you more to love. Let me take a moment to talk about this book in general, without giving away too much, and then when I’ve finished I will write an actual review.

Martin’s writing style is very heavy, and he tends to be very wordy; however, for me that is not a deterrent so long as the story continues to move forward at a decent pace, which for the most part he does. He has a sort of Joss Whedon wickedness about him, in that you will fall in love with characters only to have them viciously taken from you via death. But his characters are deliciously human, and even the villains are realistic. I absolutely love that there are characters to love, characters you’ll love to hate, and characters you find yourself cheering for despite misgiving. The story rotates through their various points of view, which can be very daunting, and some of his chosen narrators leave a lot to be desired (I’m looking at you Sansa Stark, you little simpering whiner); however, each narrator weaves a brilliant portion of the overall tapestry, bringing their subplots and motivations.

The world is richly developed, and while there are underlying elements of high fantasy (dragons, direwolves, magic, and the mysterious Others), the fantasy aspect is cleverly worked into the overall story without bombarding the reader. It is not a book for the squeamish or those uncomfortable with sex, violence, and death, but I highly recommend it for fantasy lovers who want something thick and detailed to feed a need for heroes and villains.
Other books I’m reading:

• Eona by Allison Goodman
• Brisingr by Christopher Paolini
• Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey

The only update I have for now is that I have two mapped out but unfinished barely started novels. One is a futuristic dystopian work called NeverWonder and the other is a historical fantasy work that has yet to be named.

Fall has arrived, with weird hot and cold weather habits, and I am sitting here in my hoodie and jeans, sipping water, nibbling a nutrigrain bar, and listening to music. I realize that it has been well over two months since I last sat down at the laptop to write something for a post in this blog. I am ashamed. But I just haven't had much to write about really. Life has been boring and uneventful; all I've really done is some cleaning and work on applications for law school again. So here's watch you missed for the last two months:

The job market for law clerks and legal secretaries, which is pretty much the only reasonable paying job that a woman with a political science degree focused on pre-law and a year of law school under her belt is qualified for, is for crap. I know that is not an eloquent way to put it, but its the truth. I've called friends, family members, my doctor who has a whole family of lawyers, friends of my parents, and no one can afford to hire me. I've got a great resume (minus the lack of work experience), but I keep hearing the same thing over and over. My academics (minus last year) and extracurricular activities and skills make me marketable, but the economy makes me expensive apparently. Stupid economy, stupid job market, stupid times, my friends. So I am still jobless, despite all my attempts.

I am learning to code, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be. A lot of it is memorizing tags and where they belong, then common sense and trial and error to move and place things. Why am I doing this? Well, I got volunteered to build a website for my uncle's business, and, because it's family and there was a promise of a little fundage, I spent some of my amazon gift card money on two books on html and css. Becoming a code monkey, that's what I'm doing. I also got photoshop and illustrator, and I am attempting to learn to use them to make graphics. If anything I have managed to make something useful out of my free time.

I do believe that I have lost an inch or two in my hips because my size 13 jeans are just a bit droopy folks. My calves, oh my calves are a beautiful thing. They are tight and tones and strong. However, my midsection is still stubbornly refusing to shrink. (Well maybe it is and I just don't notice because I am angry with it for being so ridiculously chubby and slow to shape up) But I'm trying to be patient. As you know, patience in not and has never been one of my strong points. I am practicing portion control, and that's not easy. It is getting better because when I don't over eat I feel better and I'm getting to the point where I don't have to eat as much to be full. I am walking as often as possible, and jogging when I can. Lately the weather has been uncooperative and I've been kind of sick (weather change + Nic's allergies= no fun) But I am trying to get back on track.

After discovering the ridiculous amount of clutter stifling me in my little bedroom at Casa de 'Rents, I went on a cleaning spree. You see, we are finally going to begin the much anticipated remodel of the house, and its going to dominate my time. Walls are being repaired and painted, new wood flooring (no more carpet), new flooring in the bathrooms, new appliances and cabinets in the kitchen, and we are finally going to get the washer and dryer out of the kitchen area. That is all going to begin very soon, in fact, it will begin as soon as the small loan is processed, and that knowledge got me to thinking about my room, which was still full of boxes from my move back from L-Ville. I cleaned the room and started putting books away again, which is when I discovered that it was clear that my granddaddy had not anticipated the fact that I would be such a massive bibliophile when he built my bookshelf once upon a time. I had to actually redo the entire thing and store some books I never read, just to make room.

The only problem is that I will have to pack it all up again once I move out next year (Good Lord willing, I get into law school again). Which brings me to my final point. I am applying to only schools in TN, and hopefully I will get into the one in Nash-vegas so that I can either get into an apartment in the Boro or Nash-vegas instead of moving to Knox-vegas or Memphis; if this happens where ever I move will more than likely become a permanent residence for awhile, allowing me to stop being a nomad and settle into my own place. When this happens, I will get awesome cooking supplies, and I plan to start a cooking blog. I will still keep this one for personal blogging, but I will also run a blog devoted to my cooking adventures. Speaking of cooking, I think I am going to go have some fabulous tomato soup, now, out of a can of course.

Note from Nic: This blog is getting a fresh new look ASAP. It may stay black and white, but a new background and banner should be coming soon.

So this is a difficult post, but I promised myself that I would write about everything. So here goes. Sometimes in life we make choices that we think are right but in the end turn out to be wrong. Sometimes what we think is the smart move turns out to be a mistake. I am experiencing that now. I got a letter, in June of last year, telling me that I had been accepted to law school in L-ville; after much deliberation I decided to go, even though it was not where I really wanted to attend. At the time most people were encouraging me, and there was always an opportunity to transfer later. So I packed up my life and made the long drive up north; I left my family, my friends, and Jake. I thought I could do it, that even if the situation was difficult and unpleasant, I could power through three years. I was wrong. It was a mistake. I started feeling out of place almost immediately. The minute I started talking and folks sort of stared because I had a funny accent and used strange colloquialisms. I didn't belong there, but I took a deep breath and held my head high, pretended that I didn't need to feel comfortable. I was wrong. I knew something wasn't right, but I tried desperately to power through it. That was a mistake. Leaving was a mistake. I was so unbelievably wrong. Do I regret it? No. I firmly believe that regret does nothing for you. No regrets, just lessons learned. So what now? I guess this is a year of no school for me, which means hunting a job and paying my loans. Hopefully, things will settle again, and I will figure all this out.

I made a huge mistake, and it had so not so pleasant consequences; it feels like right now God is giving me a reset, taking me back to before this happened. Not a rewind or restart, but a fresh start. I need that. I know, short entry is short, but I don't really feel like writing in length about this subject.

I am sitting here looking around at the boxes that hold my life. That's sounds funny, but its true. Exams are over, and I am packing up the apartment to move back to the Boro for the summer. My lease is up on the eighth, and I'm moving out either Wednesday or Thursday. Mama is drivin' up to help, which is awesome, especially since there is no way that all my junk is going to fit into one Blazer. I was going to move this afternoon, but the flooding happening everywhere makes that impossible. I'm not going to write about packing though. Instead I'm just going to do a stream of thought entry about all the things that have been on my mind, and maybe I'll throw in a brief note on my plans for the summer.

I am not the woman I was several months ago when I came to Louisville, and that is both a good and bad thing. Back in August when I arrived in L-ville I was wide-eyed, ambitious, and excited. Law school was an adventure I'd been looking forward to for a very long time. It became complicated the second day of orientation when I soon discovered that my accent was a great deal stonger than most of the people there, and I was definitely a little fish in a great big pond. I got the feeling I was out of place. And it was a brand new experience. I was two hundred miles away from everything thing I loved and everyone. It was frightening and exhilerating all at once. As an undergraduate I could handle most of my classes in my sleep, and I balanced everything relatively easily. I was a mock trial captain and a college senior facing three years of more work than I could imagine, but I could handle it. Law school isn't easy, not at all; I have to work three times as hard as I used to, and I was on my own. Living on my own is not the difficult part; its the being absolutely alone, isolated from everyone and everything I am close to, that made life unpleasant. Even Jake and I felt the strain, and at that point, our relationship was still going strong. In December, my grades were not great, and, I knew I was here for the next two years. Things weren't weren't smooth anymore. And then I thought they were getting better, and I was wrong. I don't have Jake anymore, and that breaks my heart; I threw myself into working, outlines, case briefs, and learning the law, anything to keep my mind off what I'd lost. It hasn't really worked, and now the semester is over. I am leaving my first year of law school, and I am not really going back to the Boro the same woman. I feel like I've lost some of my strength, some of my spark. I'm all jaded and even more cynical than I was when I came here. I've lost some of my confidence, some of what made me, Nic. This summer I hope I can get some of that back.

This summer I am also going to lose this weight. I looked in the mirror after my shower the other day, and my reflection made me want to cry. I'm fat, and its disgusting. This is not a "I hate the way I look cause I can't wear skinny jeans"; this is a "I've gotten so big that it's unhealthy and disgusting, and I have to do something about it" thing. I'm not saying that the break up caused the weight gain, but I really started to gain all this weight after it happened. I guess its because I had nothing to do but work; its not an excuse at all though. I shouldn't have let this happen to me. I should've kept in shape; I should've taken better care of myself. I was pretty much wallowing, and it does not suit me well. I'm angry at myself, and I'm disappointed in what I have done to myself. I have to fix this; I look terrible and feel just as bad. I can't stand it any more.

The idea for this summer is to catch up on my reading, do some writing, get a job for the summer in the Boro, work on jewelry, and practice with my camera. It's not exactly the summer I was so looking forward to when the semester started, but I will make the best of it.

After reading an entry from one of my favorite blogs, Nat the Fat Rat, I feel rather inspired. Nat is inspiring because of her faith, her wit, her honesty, and her unending and true love for her husband; she is reading the Old Testament, and her latest entry about the women of Genesis got me to thinking. She found a connection with Rachel and so have I, but we have different reasons. So dear readers, here is another more personal entry at Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans. The concept of "Let go and just let God" is not foreign to me, and its not a difficult concept to understand. However, it is a difficult thing for me to execute. The ideas that everything happens for a reason, what's meant to be always finds a way, and God has a plan are also not difficult for me. This brings me to the thoughts bouncing around in my head right now. I have always believed that I am the kind of woman who will not get things handed to me; I know that I may always have to fight for what I want. I can handle that. But sometimes life and the universe throw me curves, and I feel like I swing and miss. Lately I've felt like that a lot more than usual. So I've taken a step back, and I'm looking at all of this with fresh eyes. I take hope that God will remember me, and He will eventually put things together as they should be. Maybe it won't be with Jake, but I hope it will.

You see, I had a realization, one Sunday as I sat with Jake in the front pews of his church; he stood up to go lead the next song, and as we all I stood, I realized that God had picked him out for me to be with. And so I prayed that God would help me do what it took to stay with him, and to make me the kind of woman Jake deserves. I pray now that He will help to save my relationship, though it is in shambles, and it that is what is meant to be, I know that it will eventually happen. That realization was not the first, but it was one of many. None of those are blogged about here in C & W because they happened before I started this blog. The first occured the first Wednesday I went to church with him; there I was sitting in the Bible Study, and they were talking about how sometimes we set our minds to some sort of desire and fail to realize that God has other plans for us or refuse to accept it. My hands rested on my wornout pink Bible, and I glanced over at Jake. I realized then that I was doing just that, stubbornly clinging to a path that wasn't leading to where I should be. At that point I wasn't sure where my path was supposed to lead or what my path was supposed to be; I just knew my path was wrong. Then I had another realization, one more powerful. I was riding to church with him, and I was struck by how perfect it felt to be headed there with him. I knew in my heart that I belonged with him and that I was supposed to be on a path toward him, but it didn't sink in well I guess. Then came that Sunday morning, sitting in the front pews with him because he was leading singing that day, his arm around my shoulder, my eyes following along in the text, then watching as he stood up to lead another song. Everything seemed so right; I heard this voice telling me that I had to be strong, that I had to hold on, that I should not lose him. And so I tried my hardest to do just that. Then in January I had this realization, and I knew right then, where I was meant to be. All that time I had spent being a fool felt so wasted.

The story of Jacob and Rachel had special significance for us. Jake kept reminding me of that story, over and over, as we struggled to even be able to see each other. I grew to resent that story a little bit, perhaps because it did not give me the kind of hope I wanted or perhaps because I was just so frustrated and missing him so much. But looking at it now, I see it differently.The basic story goes like this. Rachel is the daughter of a proud and sneaky man, who tells Jacob he can marry her after seven years hard labor, and then pulls a sneaky trick by slipping Leah in at the wedding instead. Rachel is who Jacob loves most, and for Rachel he continues to work for his father-in-law. Genesis 29:20 “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” It was always Jake’s constant reminder that we were so in love that even the longest time apart would seem short in the end. The story continues with Rachel’s struggle to have children, while her sister can easily have them. She prays and prays and begs God for help. Genesis 30:22 "And God remembered Rachel." She kept praying and talking to God and trying. And eventually God answered. That is what I take from the story now. God had a plan for her, and, when it was time, he Brought that plan to fruition. Her prays were answered, and she was blessed. I believe that God has a plan and that, whatever that plan is, He will work with you and bring it about.

Every time Jake and I would have some sort of trouble, be it a set back like my grades or the difficulty we had during Winter Break, I would pray that things would work out. I'd pray for us, pray that I would be a better girlfriend, more patient and less stubborn. Every time I did, I got the same answer "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." It went something like this:

I had to move to L-Ville and prayed that we could handle the distance: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Getting into the same law school was going to be difficult and I prayed that even if we didn't we could handle it: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
There was absolutely no way we'd get into the same law school and I prayed for strength and patience: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake and I were not on the same page mostly because I was an impatient fool and I prayed for help to become a better friend, partner, and girlfriend: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake called, deciding we were over and I prayed that we would be able to fix this: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."

Now I find myself on my knees praying that we can save us, that all is not lost. I pray that somehow, some way, the story is not over for us. I pray that we aren't broken forever. I still feel like I'm supposed to be with him. I still feel like that is the plan because I am still getting the same answer. "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." Maybe the plan has changed, but I just don't think so. We'd come so far, and we were so close. We were so in love and so happy. I know that sometimes things happen and couples fall apart, but I just can't shake the feeling that things aren't right because we are apart. It doesn't make sense (but don't get me started on things that don't make sense). So I'm going to remember the story of Jacob and Rachel, and how God remembered Rachel and answered her prayers and brought His plan for her into fruition. And I'm going to keep praying even if the answer remains the same refrain. "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up." I'm going to what I need to do, and I will survive, no matter what the plan.

So yesterday was the day of first year oral arguments at the Hall of Justice, and I put on my suit and heels and argued my case. It was like getting back in the saddle again, really. It's been months since I was in the courtroom, and I missed it more than I thought. I felt awesome to put on my pearls, be certain that my hair and make-up looked good, put on a nice suit, and slip into my killer shoes. To stand in front of a judge and start off with "May it please the court...", to address the court and argue with conviction, even though the case was weak, it was thrilling. This may seem lame to my readers, but I live for those moments. All went well, except for the lost car situation (not discussed here because I don't feel like talking about my stupidity beyond saying I completely forgot where I parked because I don't belong in L-ville and don't belong in the big city). So lets us do a recap of being back in the saddle again, or oral arguments.

I arrived with plenty of time to swap my flats (which I drove in because my heels are high) for the killer heels pictured above, adjust my suit and take a deep breath to collect myself. Entering the Hall of Justice brought back memories of mock trial. I did my first regional as witness in those courtrooms, and I also did my first regional as both a captain and attorney there. I felt this surge of power and faith as I watched my things go through the metal detector and stepped through myself. Then I walked into the courtroom, placed my portfolio on the table, and I was alive. Yes, dear reader, I love the courtroom. I love being able to stand there and stand for something. Even if right now, the cases I argue, the people I represent, the job I perform isn't real yet. I love the idea that I can use my passion, my fire, my strength, my brains, to solve problems, to be able to, in some small way, affect the world, make it better. That is why I want to be an attorney so badly.

The argument went well. I wasn't nervous, but I was, as usual, concerned about my accent. It's gotten much stronger, and while I love it, the glorious, lyrical, and attractive Southern drawl can be a hindrance up here in the Northern city. When I worry about my accent it causes me to get tongue tied, but other than that issue I think I did just fine. I hope the judges' written comments were as good as the verbal comments I received. I got compliments on how passionate my argument was, how I argued with conviction even though I had the most difficult side of the case and probably didn't believe in it. Apparently was the only one who answered the question "Without the eyewitness testimony, were you a jury in this case, would you convict?" with a yes. I also got compliments on how well I handled difficult questions, answering them and deflecting them to make them seem much less damaging, and how I was able to use bad facts to my advantage, even though they were potentially extremely damaging to my side. Apparently, several people think that I will make an excellent advocate and a great attorney. So, dear readers, I was back in the saddle yesterday, and it was incredible.

Last week, around Wednesday night, I finally broke my glasses. I couldn't even tape them to get through the week Harry Potter style. They snapped right in half at the nose piece. That meant that, while I had intended to stay at the Shoebox and work, I had to go home to the Boro for an eye exam to get new glasses and new contacts. I really love eye exams (haha, yeah right), especially the glaucoma test where they puff air at your eyeball. It always, I mean always, takes three or four times per eye to get it right. I spent Friday working on my brief (foul creature though it is) and watching curling. Saturday morning I went for my eye exam and then had a heart attack when I saw just how much it cost me to handle my eye issues. $75 for the exam, $50 for my contacts, $52 for my frames, and $110 for my lenses. That is outrageous, not going to lie. Our insurance doesn't cover contacts and glasses, just the exam, and I forgot to mention the insurance when I did the appointment, but it's really just a big hassle anyway. That afternoon though I got to see my cousin Erica's baby, and she is such a little doll. I didn't think I was ever going to see her (family issues suck), so I was very excited to see her. She looks like her mama, right down to the big blue eyes and chubby cheeks. I failed to take pictures, mainly because she was still dealing with a slight cough and runny nose after her bought with pnuemonia and the lighting was really bad. I promise that the next time I see her I will take lots and lots of pictures.

When I got home last night I didn't intend to go grocery shopping because I was really tired, but after seeing the ridiculous parking situation going on and realizing how much I would have to do tonight, I decided to go ahead and do my shopping. Of course that means going across the river to Indiana, but its not so bad when there is no traffic. I am one of "those people" when it comes to shopping. I don't just grab the first item I see. I am that woman you see studying a cut of meat to determine whether I like the amount of fat or looking through the apples to select shiny ones that are firm and nicely colored. I am a food snob, and I think you should be conscious of what you are putting in your body. Good ingredients make good dishes, and so when I'm picking out veggies to make a tomato sauce (which I can't do in the Shoebox because I have no blender and no room) I pick out the freshest tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions, for example.  On that note, I am making a diluted version of my father's "Savage's Dear God Lasagna", which is a version of my Aunt Bessie Petrillo's delicious recipe, and so I was picking out decent pasta, cheese, ground beef, and pasta sauce (I hate sauce from the jar, but can't make my own at the moment). I hate that I cannot afford several of the needed ingredients and thus cannot make a truly good lasagna, but I will survive. It will provide me with plenty of leftovers for lunches and dinners, which is always a plus.

I am not pleased with the current weather. It was very pretty this weekend, but not its gloomy and wet and unpleasant. Boo weather, you fail. This is not really worthy of a paragraph all to it's self, but its not related to anything else either.

I am well aware of how pathetic my last posts have been. Losing someone you love makes you feel pathetic though. I think that part of my problem is that I've let the pressure of law school, the unpleasantness of being fairly isolated, and the distance (and now the loss) cause me to become something I'm not. I know that I am strong; I've always been a strong person both mentally and emotionally. I'm stubborn, willful, determined, and I never give up. I hold my own even when I'm carrying the weight of the world. I take on everything, and I don't let things knock me down. I am independant. I can get by on my own. I have always said that I can live alone and get by without having someone, but I choose not to do it. I don't want to go through life alone, but if I have to, I can. But lately I've been crumbling. I let it make me soft, pathetic, and weak, and it started long before the recent insanity. Those are not attractive qualities, and this pathetic woman I seem to be right now is not the woman that Jake fell in love with. Perhaps that was part of what caused this to happen. I am working on it though. Yes, I hope that some miracle will happen, and things will go back to the way they were, when everything was good and happy and wonderful. But I'm not going to obsess over it, not going let it destroy me. Will I just forget it? No. Will I give up completely on saving something that means so much to me? No. But I am going to "woman up". I am going dig into my well of strength and independence and manage to get through things. I am a strong independant woman, and its time for me to be that woman again. I know I can do it, and I will.

Well, I have a lot to do and need to get started before I cook dinner. I will now leave you with a fun veiw of my to-do list for the week:

Late Monday night it started to snow, so much so that Tuesday's classes were canceled and we had a delay Wednesday. It's finally stopped, but we have six or so inches on the ground. Wednesday morning when I went out to go to class it took me forever to knock the snow off the blazer and then inch my way over the huge pile of snow where they plowed our parking lot. I love snow, but I don't enjoy the way it affects my usual routine. I'm a fan of snow, but not really winter or cold. On a positive note, until they scraped the sidewalks and the cars drove on it, L-ville was a pretty sight all covered in white.

Ok, so tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and, regardless of whatever relationship insanity I am currently experiencing, I will be spending it exactly as I had planned minus a phone call. I planned to use this weekend to work on my Brief (oh how I hate that Brief) and my outlines; I had also planned on calling Jake and telling him just how much I loved him, talking since we have been apart so long, and perhaps even plotting some sort of adventure to make up for the lack of V-Day fun that we would be experiencing. Now, I will just spend the weekend working on the Brief and outlining and writing a letter. Last Valentine's Day I got all girled up and sparkly, and I baked these killer cookies shaped like lips with red sugar sprinkles. They were brilliant and I was so proud of how they came out. Jake and I went out to Longhorn (My parents were there, only we somehow managed to not cross paths with them; what luck) and then to see The Pink Panther 2 because we had already seen Bride Wars (the only real date movie playing) two weeks prior. It was fantastic, and I still have the card that he gave me. I remember how he spent fifteen minutes or more writing in it while we waited to be seated. I miss those kinds of memories. This Valentine's Day I will spend the day in the Shoebox, surrounded by textbooks and case law. I will make bold, if fruitless, efforts not to cry like a little girl, and I will try to remain hopeful that some sort of miracle will take place.

I love my friends, my married friends, my engaged friends, my when the heck are you going to just give her a ring friends, my dating and happy to with their partner friends, and my single friends. I have friends who are married and not expecting children anytime in the near future; I have friends who are married and expecting their first baby, and I have newly wed friends. I also have friends who have been engaged and are rapidly approaching their wedding days, and I have friends who are newly engaged. I have friends who are dating wonderful people, and I have friends who should stop with the mushy facebook love and just get hitched already. I'm happy for all these friends, and happy for the single ones who are happy with being single. I think of all these friends with a smile and wish them the very best, but then I think of my current situation, which has brought me to tears, brought me to my knees, broken my heart, made me question lots of things, caused me to lose lots of sleep, messed with my appetite, and in general messed me up. I cannot count the number of times that I have reached for the phone, trying to get up the courage to even talk to him. Every time I think that I can manage to just say hi, I panic, drop the phone, and bite back tears. The number never gets dialed, and the text is never even started. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I feel like he is avoiding me, like he will keep avoiding me until I give up on us. But I can't give up, I just can't. He seems to be operating just fine without me, but I'm falling apart inside. I love him. Is that wrong? Am I supposed to just kill those feelings? Because I can't do that. If I could just move on, if I didn't feel like this is all wrong, if I didn't have this feeling that I'm not supposed to give up on us, I would.

I still don't understand why it happened. I'm afraid people think that I hurt him, that I did something horrible. Isn't that funny? A part of me wants it known that he chose to break it off, not me. A part of me wants it understood that I didn't leave him and I didn't walk away. I guess the evil and sarcastic Nic would rather not have the idea that she hurt the man she loves, that she walked away from it, that she gave up on the best thing that ever happened to her, floating around out there. Maybe I'm not so strong and mean and nasty after all. I'm so afraid that I screwed up our relationship; in fact, I'm almost positive that something I did ruined it all. You see, once upon a time there was this woman and this man, and they met at just the right moment in a classroom. They were both a little bit lost, and they found each other. It was good, and it was wonderful, and it was everything love is supposed to be. But she was all damaged, and she let her fear and stupidity get in the way. She thought they could get passed it, and she thought they would be OK despite it all. But it wasn't, and she lost him. I'm so afraid that I did hurt him, that I did do something wrong. It hurts so much. I am so lonely, and I miss my other half. The thing is, I need him in my life, which may say sound insane, but I do.

So this morning my alarm clock was somehow set an hour fast. That means this morning I woke up at 6:45 instead of 7:45 (not so bad except that I couldn't sleep last night for reasons I'll discuss below), I ate breakfast too early and was starving halfway through Criminal Law, and I left the apartment at 7:40 instead of 8:40 panicking because I though I only had twenty minutes to get to the parking lot, get up the hill to the law school, drop my books off at my locker and get to Basic Legal Skills. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was no one there, and I grabbed my phone thinking they had canceled class and I hadn't checked. That was when I discovered that it was really only 7:49, I wasn't late, and that because of this I had time to run back to the apartment and pick up some things I forgot.

I try very hard to be zen about life and what it throws at me. I try not to stress so much about the things I can't change. But lately, its been getting harder. As Jake's graduation get closer and closer, the future issues become more and more real. Jake will go to law school, and I'm confident that he will get into one of the places where he wants to go. Those places don't really include L-ville, KY. I want him to go where he needs to be, and I want him to go where he will be happy. But it will kill me to know what that will mean. Its not a pleasant thought, the future as it stands. To be honest, I really dread the prospect of three years without seeing each other. We'd be lucky to even do holidays with our families at Christmas time. The problem with these feelings is that I have a bad habit of letting them escape at just the wrong moment. Like last night when Jacob called: We are talking about nothing in particular and he brings up his law school stuff and because I don't want to blurt out anything inappropriate, I get all quiet and what not. After we hang up, my mind begins to race and I think that maybe I should remind Jake that I am happy for him even though I get all weird on him. Well, that sort of exploded, and there we were texting in the middle of the night when normal people who have law school classes at 9AM the next day but no actual homework at the moment should be asleep. When this happens, it usually means that I get all stupid and text long messages while sitting in my apartment either crying or fuming about the situation. This time I was crying. It was ugly. And as usual, what I call my "Girlfriend Guilt"  kicked in and I couldn't sleep. The "Girlfriend Guilt" is this feeling I get when I get overly emotional and feel like I've been a crappy girlfriend for putting Jake through it.  The truth is that I really shouldn't do that to him. I know how much pressure he's under right now, and I know how hard it is to be applying for law school, doing Mock Trial, and taking difficult classes. Its not fair of me to add my emotional crap on top of that. I'm going to do my level best to stop doing that to him. I love him too much to be stupid enough to make life difficult.

I know I should focus on what time we do have to spend together, which is already fairly limited. I want to make the most of it, but its really hard to do when you get a date or lunch meeting or random hello every three weeks or more. There are only so many we can do on a Friday or Saturday night in the Boro. We've gone bowling more times than I can count, and that's fun. We've seen plenty of movies (I keep the ticket stubs cause I'm freak), and that's also fun. But I'm a memories kind of girl, and I want desperately to have some memories to look back on someday. I want memories of my life with the man I love. I don't want to look like back and say "those were the years when all we got were text messages and phone calls." I don't to look back and have to say "those were the years when we never saw each other." I want a little romance, which seems a bit pathetic but whatever. I don't how we're gonna make those memories, but I want to make them and will. You see, I'm a fighter, always have been. I know what I want, and I'm gonna have it. I just predict that my camera is about to see a lot of action.

The second semester is already in full swing here in law school land; this weekend will probably be my last moments of relaxation for a while because the grind has already begun in earnest. My planner is filled with appointments to meet with professors to review exams, which will not be a pleasant experience (especially for Torts, Property, and Legal Research), notes on assignments to read, research to do, and times to compile my notes for each class. Due to my unfortunate grades, I have to meet with the woman in charge of the academic success office, and its not something I like doing since she practically accused me of not working hard enough and in general this whole issue is really hard to deal with for me. I've always been the smart one, and sometimes that feels like all I have; my family introduces me as the smart child, and most of the time I feel like my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me. If I'm not smart then what am I? Who am I if I'm not the intelligent one? I am now stepping up my game, but this is going to be a very very long semester with a lot of hard work and grinding through it and not very much time to breathing. I predict a great deal of time spent alone in my apartment, doing nothing but work. It will be a miracle if I get time to work out, much less the time to see the people I love. I do not predict a lot of cheerful entries for folks to read. If you want to make a run for it now, I don't blame you. I'm definitely not going to be seeing a lot of TN, since going home typically means that I don't get much done. There will be some melt downs, and it won't be pretty. Hold on tight because we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.

I hate the way this all makes me feel, and I hate the way it makes me act. It's not fair to the people who have to deal with me on a regular basis. I have made my Mother worry (and Southern Mothers worry in general because its part of their charm) more than she needs to worry about her adult daughter. I've lashed out at people (more than my usual charming snark and snap), and its not been pretty. I snapped at my kid brother, my nerves are on edge, and even when I screw on that smile that Southern women are able to bring out even when they are standing among the spiralling chaos, its hard to make it convincing. It also makes me a terrible friend and partner, and I feel like I'm being a horrible girlfriend for Jake. Its hard enough having a long distance relationship, and then I make it worse by becoming this mess. He tries so hard to be supportive, to be there for me, and I tend to get snippy and nasty and I cry too much. Instead of making things better, I just make them worse. Lately I have not been the kind of girlfriend that a guy wants. There is nothing fun, sexy, cute, beautiful, or pleasant about the emotional and ridiculous mess that I am right now. Jake stands by me just the same, which is something that I really appreciate, and I love him so much. I know that a lot of times it would be easier to just cut and run when I get like this, especially when all I do is argue and get more idiotic. Let's face, Jake is a better man than a crazy Southern woman like me could ever ask for.

I promised myself that I would be positive about this semester, that I would just make the best of what I have, but its not as easy as it may seem. I was ok, really, until I met with the academic success person. Then suddenly all hell broke loose, and the tears started to fall and the need for caffiene and chocolate set in, and well here I am. I have to get over this, or at least get better (in the sense that I am not whimpering and sniffling like a child), before this weekend, since I want to have a good time and make the best of it. This is especially true considering that after this weekend I don't know when I'll see Jake or even have a decent break.

As I started on this I was in the noisy SAC marketplace having lunch because I have to use the massive amount of money the school forces me to pay for a meal ticket because I have on campus housing, even though I live in an apartment with a full kitchen. Now I'm in the back of the classroom, staying much warmer, and working on some things for class. It is cold outside, and by cold I mean it's 21 degrees outside but feels like 12. No joke, I stepped outside the law school to head out for lunch, and it was spitting snow. This is the kind of snow that mocks me because I love snow, I love to run around in it, dance like a fool, and in general frolic like a little kid in it. I'm from TN, Middle TN to be specific, and that means that a white Christmas usually equals ice and snow is a rare treat. I'm hoping for real snow, even if it means that I have to trudge through it in my boots to get to Civil Procedure in the morning. In all honesty, the idea of the powers that be cancelling classes and closing the law school because of snow is pretty much a fantasy. Nowka, the Contracts Professor, has entered the room and started class, so I will finish this back in the Shoebox.

Well readers, I am back in my L-ville Shoebox (also known as my little apartment). I've hung up most of my clothes, opened a reed diffuser to make the Shoebox smell nice, attempted to order pizza and failed, and now I am relaxing on my couch watching the newer version of Pride & Prejudice (despite the fact that it is a really obvious chick flick). I won't lie, Pride & Prejudice is an excellent diversion with classes looming over my head, even if Mr. Collin's is a creeper. I will confess that I am amused by this movie. I need to make my grocery list and begin scheduling how I will manage my workload.

I haven't had much time to blog or even think until now, due to all the running about and travelling and general insanity that is the holidays. So I suppose I should throw out some of the general happenings, revalations, observations, and discoveries that I have had while I haven't been blogging.

Here's the deal, grades have come out and let's just say that I am not happy. My grades are not as high as I believed they should've been and because of that I will be unable to transfer to a school in TN. It simply will not be possible, and I am quite disappointed. But I will power through because if the good Lord means for me to be a lawyer then I will have to get through this. I suppose that I will just make the best of my time here. I can handle it; I will probably complain about it here, but I can handle it.

This was a given. Those things come regardless. Jake and I did holidays, which is to say that we spent a great deal of time on the road; we started in the Boro with my Aunt Bonnie's Christmas Eve, followed by the Strait family Christmas gathering that night, then both of us did Christmas morning with our parentals, followed by Christmas breakfast with Nanny, Christmas Lunch with the Halls, and ended with Christmas Supper at my Grandmother's. We barely had time to breathe, but there is something special about doing holidays. It gives a sort of permanence to our relationship, and its just sort of nice to have something we do together. There was a moment Christmas night that was really awesome. (Beware, Nic is gonna be a sap). Jake was watching the Titans game, which is not something that ever interests me, and I was sort of half laying on him and using him as a pillow. It was quiet and comfortable and perfect; I would give anything to do that more often, not going to lie. We also did a sort of New Years outing, which was nice. We went to see It's Complicated, which was an OK movie but not one I really want to see again. (Just say no to Alec Baldwin undressed). Then we did dinner at Chilis, always a treat, and then we went to his church to hang out for a while. It was an absolute blast. Also, while on the subject of Christmas, I got some pretty great stuff, books I wanted, clothes, and a really cool digital picture frame (a gift from Jake because he is thoughtful and awesome). I am, however, mildly jealous of the new toy he got; I used to say I had no use for a touch screen iPod, but now, after getting to mess with his for a bit, and looking it up, I think I may want one. They seem really nice.

With Jake's graduation rapidly approaching and the fact that he will soon be in law school somewhere, the future is beginning to loom slightly. We had this idea, and it was awesome. "Let's get into the same law school; we can be together and support each other and work together and it will be great." I was going to transfer to a TN school, and we were goimng to give it a go. Then my grades came in, and that idea flew out the window. There are two distinct possibilities for what our relationship will be like. One is that he will go to either his first or second choice for law school, meaning our relationship will enter a land I will name "The Long Distance Desert" which is to say that we will have minimal contact due to the serious distance between us and the conflicting schedules that will surely arise. The second possibilty is that he comes here, his third choice, and we go from there. This is the part where the selfish part of me, the part that wishes simply for us to be together and doesn't care about much of anything else, and the mature part of me that loves Jake very much and only wants what would be best for him, the part that knows that he needs to be where he is happy and where he feels he should be, duke it out in a battle royale.
(SPOILER ALERT)
The mature part of me wins, of course, because I only want Jake to be happy, whatever that means, and I know that what I want shouldn't matter when it comes to his choice in law schools. The mature part of me puts that selfish part of me in a headlock and then body slams it with the reminded that part of what being a decent partner is all about is being supportive. You see, I love him with all my heart, and I want him to go to the law school where he feels he should be and to do what he needs to do in order to be happy and sucessful. If that means that we enter the "Long Distance Desert" for a while, so be it. I will pout and whimper, but I will live through it and support him; after all if our relationship can't handle the distance then it wasn't meant to be. To answer the questions: Will it hurt to do the distance thing, yes it will. Will I probably cry like a girl and have to grit my teeth and remind myself constantly that the distance is temporary, yes, constantly. Will it suck to be so far apart all the time, more than you can imagine. But I'd rather Jake be happy and comfortable and where he should be than be all wrapped up in my own world. He means that much to me. Call me a sap, but that's how I feel.

I feel like resolutions sort of fall apart every time I try to make them. I always forget or lose track or something else silly. So instead I will make a list of goals for the year. That way I know that I can achievement. So here are my four main goals:

1. Be swimsuit ready by this summer; it's going to take a lot, I mean a lot, of will power, stamina, and determination, but I think that I can manage it. In general I want to get into better shape because I am a mess.
2. Learn to be more patient; this is an in general issue having to do with lots of things. I'm bad about getting impatient, giving up, getting frustrated, and in general being a bit of a beast when things don't move at the pace I'd like them to move.
3. Pick something I've always wanted to do, like learn a foreign language, learn to dance, learn to draw, or something of that nature, and actually do it. Along the same lines, I will finish my novel, or at least get a huge chunk of it written
4. Be a better girlfriend, partner, and friend; to tell the truth at times I can be a selfish pain, and I'm not good at dealing with myself. I'm a mess and a handful and more often than not I'm not the kind of girlfriend you'd want. I'm going to try to be more patient and supportive and less of a mess.

I am considering starting an "Ask Nic" type blog to go along with this one; something where people email in questions and I answer them. I know that I wouldn't get many emails, but it might be a fun thing to try out at least. I don't know.

It is cold, wet, and in general unpleasant outside. I had to make a run to the store earlier and then take out the trash, but I am not going back out in that mess again unless I absolutely have to do it. Instead I will spend the day relaxing on the couch, studying for Contracts, and marking my statutory supplement for the exam. The weather is supposed to be the same tomorrow, so I will definitely be spending it indoors. I wish I had more to blog about, but as it stands there is just nothing happening other than a lot of studying, peppered with some panicking, and the occassional moment of relaxation.  Let's face it, law school has made my life dull. Mostly I'm just trying to stay motivated to finish up my studies so that I can relax for a few weeks. It's not easy to get motivated lately; I'm just tired (ok, more like exhausted). At the moment I keep staring at my copy of The Lost Symbol and supressing the urge to curl up on the couch under a blanket and read it instead of  doing what needs to be done. Right now, I guess I will just leave you with this quick update and get back to work.

It's raining and cold and just plain unpleasant outside. By raining I mean it is absolutely pouring outside. It is not a good thing when I have to walk from the parking lot to the law school tomorrow. I am on the couch in my apartment, with SVU on television, my laptop in my lap, a glass of sweet tea, and my textbooks. I'm looking pretty rough in my hoodie and yoga pants with my hair pulled back and my glasses. But that's ok because Nic is comfortable while she works. With approximately two weeks left before finals I am now working to finish up my outlines. I will spend my Thanksgiving break studying and eating with my family. After December 10th I will be done with classes for the semester, and I will probably spend my winter break in the Boro since it's not really a long break. Hopefully there will be time to go to Ice and the movies and stuff with Jake like we did last year. I've also promised to try to make it to church with him when I can. I'm definitely looking forward to the break from the exhaustion that is law school. Don't get me wrong, I love law school, but it is tiring. Between outlining and reading in preparation for classes, it's sometimes hard for me to get a moment to just rest, especially when I need it most. I wasn't kidding when I talked about scraping bottom on my energy stores while working on the memo. The coming weeks of winter break are going to be a welcome relief.

The blog has been lacking in real content because nothing has been happening in my world that is really worth blogging about. That is the price of being a full time student, living far away from everyone, and having no time to do much. The most excitement I've had recently has been a quick breakfast with Jacob and the mock trial tournament I judged last weekend. Don't get me wrong, breakfast dates with the love of my life are great, and we are planning to have more of them. And I really love mock trial and judging was fun, so was seeing all my friends in the Boro, including my old captain. There are pictures but I look all gross and so I will not be stealing them from Rachel. I think that the next post may be a post about what its like to judge mock trial instead of participating.

I am scraping the bottom of my energy reserves at the moment, which is probably why I am wearing a hoodie that is three times or more too big and my hair is all curly and held back in a jaw clip and I barely have enough make up on to cover up my face. Needless to say, I'm tired, and the reason for my drained body is the same as the reason there hasn't been a post since Tuesday. That gorram memo. I finished all 3000 words of it, finally, this morning at about 10 AM or so. I have been dragging about for the last week, struggling to keep caught up and finish the memo, and having a minor panic attack due to the fact that I have to send my laptop, the nice new one I bought in September, out for repairs because according to the tech folks, it's having a hardware issue that must be repaired by the HP people. Too bad for Nic there are no HP Authorized Service Providers anywhere near her; so it has to be shipped to HP for a repair that could take two weeks to get it back instead of going into a repair place and having it repaired in a day or two. This is not a good time to be having technology issues. I take finals is three weeks, counting this one, and I plan to take them on my laptop because I type faster than I can write and it's hard for me to write for long periods of time because my right wrist is so messed up. I woke up this morning to find my living room filled with case law. I'm not kidding, there are stapled copies of the various cases I was writing my memo with, which is the signal that the apartment must be cleaned before I leave for the weekend. I don't have enough energy today to post a decent entry, so I promise that tomorrow I will write again.

Good news: Today's weather was actually nice enough that since I don't have class until 2:25PM and only have one textbook (Contracts) to carry along with my bag and purse I could walk to the law school. I love being able to walk to class.

It's the first week of November, the weather here in the North is still refusing to pick a temperature, and my life is filled to the brim with things to keep me busy. I've got the Open Memo (foul creature that it is) due next Monday, which means that I have to show up early enough to turn the thing in even though my first class of the day will not be until one in the afternoon. I guess I will spend that morning in the library working on the outlines for Torts and CivPro (Also known as the land of Mordor) since those are my classes for the day. Both outlines are in bad need of an update. Speaking of outlines, I need to have all my outlines updated before next weekend, especially since I'm going to be in the Boro to judge mock trial rounds for the MTSU tournament. Nerdy though it is, I'm excited about that. Finals are in about four weeks, and it scares the crap out of me. Law School finals are not like undergrad finals. Undergrad finals are just the last chunk of your grade when you are a college student. Law School finals are your only grades when you are a law student. So I want my outlines updated and ready for typing ASAP, especially that CivPro outline. CivPro is really the only class I am having trouble in, and I can't stand it. I get so frustrated because I can go into the classroom, having read all the material and think I have an understanding of what I should know, but then the professor speaks and I am lost. I am actually terrified of that exam. Torts, I understand; Property, I get the basics and will just have to review the different rules thoroughly. Contracts, I'm not having much difficulty in despite the strange way the class tends to go.

I think I need to come up with some better responses to the question "So how is law school?" Seriously, mostly what I say is that it’s different; it keeps me busy, and it’s interesting, all of which are fairly lame answers to the question really. I love law school minus CivPro and BLS, and I love that I am learning a lot. I wish I could share some of the hilarious jokes that crop up, but they are just not as funny to people who aren't in law school or aren't going to be in law school soon. I laugh when someone says “Torts makes me want to commit assault and battery" But I'm sure people outside here will just look at me funny when I say it. Law school does make you see the world differently. Daddy (I'm Southern, so yes, I call my father Daddy) was talking about a friend he knew who was considering a law suit. After hearing the facts I spouted off promissory estoppel and why it fit. It's good that I know that, since it's important for the final, but it's strange that I can do that now. I see the legal issues in all sorts of things. I do, however, wish that people wouldn't say I'm in graduate school. Law School is not Grad School; Grad School is for wimps.

I need a new camera. (Whoa, random subject change) I've had my current one for several years, and it has been a good one. But it is beginning to show it's age and the wear and tear of thousands of pictures is starting to get to it I think. My little Samsung has seen better days, though it did serve well all summer what with the 60+ pictures I took at the zoo. It's scratched from all the times little cousins have excitedly tapped it's screen when shown pictures of themselves; it's scuffed up from all the different places it's been scooted, stashed, tucked away, and hidden. The pictures are not as clear and pretty sometimes, which saddens me, and it is often a little weak. It's gotten harder on batteries lately, and so I have to turn it off and charge them more often. I tried to take pictures of my earrings to put in the shop, and very few of them turned out well, which was a disappointment. I wound up having to let Nanny take pictures with her camera. I think that if I don't get one as a gift before then, I will save up my jewelry money and buy myself a new one. For now I will just make do, since I want to take pictures at the tournament next weekend.

Thinking of jewelry, I made five new designs for earrings last weekend; I was really happy with three of them in particular. I left them with Mama to take to work to sell, and I forgot to take pictures of them for the shop. I'm slightly disappointed because they were really awesome designs, and I wanted to see if they would sell better online than what I have now. I guess I will just have to make a few more and photograph them if Mama sells the ones she has before I get home next weekend. I've got some great ideas for necklace/earring sets that I want to try, and I've found tons of new beads for jewelry. But first I need to sell most if not all of the pieces I've made so far. I'm thinking my sales will increase when it gets closer to Christmas. (Fingers are crossed)

So yesterday, right as Civil Procedure (also known as the devil's playground) was about to start, I get a text from Jake; we'd been talking through lunch, but normally the texts stop for a little while after that. The timing, however, does not matter. This is how the conversation went:

J: I know you aren't crazy about memphis sweetheart but I think we need to look into it. (bolding by me)
N: Why?
J: Are you still wantin to do child advocacy?
N: It's on the list
J: They've got a big program apparently in child and family law. And they offer a joint j.d./m.a. in political science.

 ----Some time later----

N: Do you you seriously think we should consider memphis as an option.
J: I think we have to. (Bolding by me)

Why is this simple conversation so blogworthy? Well some time after my last text, Jake calls, and we continue to discuss the Memphis option. It involved various important aspects like ensuring that we both get into the school and where, if we were to go there, we would be living. There was a lot of "we" talk in that discussion, including where we would definitely not be living. Funny thing is, it's been a long time since  I could discusss any sort of future or current situation involving a "we" without crying my eyes out (due to crappy exes) or getting frustrated (due to crappy set backs). But yesterday, as I was lounging on my couch and watching Criminal Minds or maybe it was Stripes, I don't remember, it hit me: Jacob and I were discussing the "we" factor. It's no longer simply Jacob's future or Nic's future; it's our future, and I like it that way. There have been other "we" factor discussions, like "How are we doing holidays this year?" But this is a bit different. Making a decision to arrange it so that we are in the same law school in an effort to arrange it so that we can get married is another story all together. And yes, readers, we have been contemplating getting married. Actually, that's been a thing of discussion for a few months.

There is something special about the "we" factor; I'd like to think that I'm not incredibly selfish and whatnot, but I do know that for a long time my primary focus has always been where I will be in the future, what I want to do with my life, and things of that nature. I think that is normal, so don't think I am saying it's not. When you are single, or simply dating and not thinking about that couple's future, then you are primarily concerned with your own future, and not how it relates to other people. But then if you meet someone you fall in love with and decide that you want a future with them you have to consider the "we" factor. I'm not talking about a cease in your independence (the feminist side of me rages against that sort of thing) or rearranging your entire life around one person; I'm talking about taking into consideration how you want your future with someone to go. There is a difference between "Where are we going to go for dinner on date night?" and "Where are we going to law school and where will we live while we are there?" The "we" factor excites me because it's like the beginning of a new chapter in my life (and it's not a crappy rewrite of the last time I tried; I ripped those pages up and tossed them, metaphorically speaking).You'll have to forgive the crazy book type references, but hey, I warned you that I was a bibliophile.

The "we" factor doesn't mean that I will no longer be Nic and that he will no longer by Jacob; instead it means that I will be Nic with a side order of Jacob (so that may be the best way for my to describe it). Of course that would mean that he will be Jacob with a side order of Nic. Or maybe it's like when you go to a restaraunt and get two entrees instead of an entree and sides. Nic and Jake are like the main dishes at the meal. I'm rambling a bit because the crazy is taking over. My point is that I'm not giving up my identity, and he is not giving up his. We are simply being ourselves together. I'm excited about it really. (have I said that?)  I love him and the "we" factor just cements that.

I've made progress dear readers. Last week I walked to and from class every day, including the day of my exam, and it is a half mile walk one way. I am proud to say that it did not leave me as winded and tired as it did the first time I did it, several weeks ago. I've found that I actually want to go work out, which may seem strange, but its the truth. I look forward to whatever the workout of the day is, no matter if it's going to be a long one or a short one. I've noticed that I can see a difference in the definition of my calf muscles, which is something I could never do before, not even when I was in high school. I've also discovered my favorite, run around the apartment shorts, which are a pair of gym shorts like I used to wear in high school, fit looser around my thighs than they used to. I also can only wear some of my older pants if they have been drastically shrunk in the dryer on hot three or four times. If I can keep this up I will meet my goal for November, and then be able to meet my overall goal by this summer. I know that it will not be easy to be all trim and stuff by this summer, but if I can keep going to the gym and eating fairly decently I will be able to do it. I do know that I will never be the kind of woman who can stop exercising and eating right and not gain back the weight she's lost, but once I've lost it I will feel better about keeping my routine because I will know that it works. Currently I'm still struggling with my stomach, but I think my face has thinned some and I'm pretty sure my body is finally getting the message that it isn't supposed to be as fat as it is.

Last Monday I turned in the Closed Memo, which offered me some relief. But then we were assigned the Open Memo, which is longer and involves doing our own research; I'm going to be starting my research for it tomorrow at lunch. Let the fun begin. Last Friday was my first ever law school exam; I sat for my Legal Research final exam. It went well, and that's about all I will say about it. The first rule of law school is that we don't talk about exams or grades. The plan is to be all caught up with my outlines and notes by the end of the week. I fell a little behind trying to work on the memo and study for the exam, so I'm going to finish up my practice problems for Property and then do outlines tonight. I want to be all caught up by the weekend since Jacob and I plan to go out.