Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Sometimes I think I want too much out of life. And I don’t mean little things like the fact that I’d love to have more readers on my blog (although I really would) or finally mastering some recipe or losing the fifty or more pounds I need to lose. I want to do so much with my life, and some of it is all so different.

I want to change the world, make it better, and I want to practice law. For so long I’ve wanted to be a lawyer, and I’ve done as much as I can to make that happen. I’ve given up so much to do it. I feel like I lost Jake to my own ambition because I left before I should have; if I had stayed in TN just one more year instead of rushing off at the first change I got, maybe things would have turned out differently for us, and then maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely. But that’s not the point. The point is that I so desperately want to be a lawyer, and I’m so afraid that I may never become one. I don’t what I’d do with my life if I couldn’t go to law school and become a lawyer. I’d give everything to be able to do that.

But I also want to bake; I want to make amazing cookies and cakes. I think it would terrific to be able to make these fabulous creations that make people smile when they see them. How does that add up? I mean becoming a lawyer and owning a bakery, or maybe just a small shop that sell custom orders only. I love baking, and I love being able to be creative in the kitchen. I had so much fun baking my niece’s third birthday cake, and I would love to keep improving. My Grandmother offered to send me to classes to learn stuff, and I’m really tempted to take her up on that offer. It would be great to be able to really decorate cakes and to make those beautiful and adorable cookies I see on other food blogs all the time.

When I said that I want too much out of life, I meant it. You see I want to write. I mean really write. I’ve always been passionate about the written word both reading it and writing for myself. It should come as no surprise that I have read thirty two books towards my goal of reading one hundred books in the year 2012. Someday I’d like to be published. I’d like to write something amazing and brilliant, something worth reading. I have folders full of unfinished works that I just haven’t been able finish. I have so many ideas, and I just want to write everything.

I want so much, and I’m so afraid that I want to much. I want to write and bake and practice law. I want to be happy most of all. I want to be happy.

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In other news I have a new obsession. You can find me on pinterest! I don’t know what makes it so fabulous, but I love it.

Vain and Gratuitous Picture to update you on my appearance (edited in photoshop out of boredom)

But the problem with a blog when you have no life is that you have nothing to write about. Most of the time my life consists of playing in Photoshop, occasionally writing on novels that may never be finished, tons of reading, and cooking (lots and lots of cooking). Just a reminder, I talk about my culinary adventures at A Taste of Joy, and I promise to update that blog more often. In fact, my goal is to blog more from now on, and hopefully I can manage that.

Before I start with the updates on what little has transpired in the life of Nic, let me begin by saying that this blog will hopefully become a lot more interesting. I’m not going to be blogging about major political issues or anything like that, though I may talk about important issues that have been on my mind a lot, but I am going to hopefully talk more about life as I experience it. This includes blogging about the books I read, the movies I see, things I see, and things that happen in my life. Whether or not that will be interesting or worth reading is yet to be determined, but writing used to be a great outlet for me; I intend to let it be that again. So on with the blogging.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing a lot of reading, and you can find my Goodreads updates both on my sidebar and by visiting my account. I’m open to book recommendations and friends there. I plan to blog more about my literary adventures, including reviews of sorts of the books I’m reading.

Currently I am halfway through a re-read of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones so that I can move on to reading A Clash of Kings, and it’s one of those books that is so dense and rich that reading it a second time gives you more to love. Let me take a moment to talk about this book in general, without giving away too much, and then when I’ve finished I will write an actual review.

Martin’s writing style is very heavy, and he tends to be very wordy; however, for me that is not a deterrent so long as the story continues to move forward at a decent pace, which for the most part he does. He has a sort of Joss Whedon wickedness about him, in that you will fall in love with characters only to have them viciously taken from you via death. But his characters are deliciously human, and even the villains are realistic. I absolutely love that there are characters to love, characters you’ll love to hate, and characters you find yourself cheering for despite misgiving. The story rotates through their various points of view, which can be very daunting, and some of his chosen narrators leave a lot to be desired (I’m looking at you Sansa Stark, you little simpering whiner); however, each narrator weaves a brilliant portion of the overall tapestry, bringing their subplots and motivations.

The world is richly developed, and while there are underlying elements of high fantasy (dragons, direwolves, magic, and the mysterious Others), the fantasy aspect is cleverly worked into the overall story without bombarding the reader. It is not a book for the squeamish or those uncomfortable with sex, violence, and death, but I highly recommend it for fantasy lovers who want something thick and detailed to feed a need for heroes and villains.
Other books I’m reading:

• Eona by Allison Goodman
• Brisingr by Christopher Paolini
• Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey

The only update I have for now is that I have two mapped out but unfinished barely started novels. One is a futuristic dystopian work called NeverWonder and the other is a historical fantasy work that has yet to be named.

Guess who’s size thirteen jeans are getting to big? Ok, so I guess that sounds like a ridiculous thing to brag about, but for me the fact that my jeans are too big and that I needed to get a tighter belt is a huge victory. I hadn’t been paying much attention to my progress, mainly because I haven’t had time or really been out in public worried about my appearance. Too busy with the remodel and website to care. However, I’m pleased to report that I am approximately one third of the way to my weight loss goal. I’ve lost thirty to thirty-five pounds, which only leaves me with about fifty to lose! I know that sounds like a tiny amount to brag about considering how much I need to lose, but I’m so excited by the fact that I’m making any progress at all.

I’ve taught myself to eat healthier and pay more attention to portion control; this means that I can eat less and still be full! To be honest, my dietary habits were pretty atrocious before, and a great deal of that has to do with the fact that as little kid my family sort of let me eat whatever I wanted. Part of being Southern is the idea that we bond over food; I tend to blame it on the scarcity that came from the War Between the States (That’s Rebel for Civil War). This leads to the fact that people expect me to eat a great deal more than I do now; I used to eat piles of food, and I’m pretty sure only my metabolism and active childhood kept me from becoming dangerously overweight. This fact brings me to my point.

It’s difficult for me to maintain my healthy diet and eating habits when I have my family breathing down my neck about me not eating enough. On more than one occasion it has been insinuated that I am starving myself to lose weight because I ate small portions, and suddenly people seem to notice when I refuse to eat things I don’t like because it makes my already small meals look smaller. Being constantly told that you don’t eat enough can be just as bad as being told that you eat too much. 

So it’s been a very long time since I updated this blog, and for that I apologize. (As if anyone is actually reading this anyway.) The problem with running  a blog, an actual one and not my Tumblr, is that I have very little to talk about lately; I don’t like to write about my failure to get a job, even though that’s been pretty much the only thing happening for me. I hate this economy so much right now. I also don’t want to write about my continual emotional rollercoaster, mainly because it’s boring and definitely something no one would be interested in reading. I will however be blogging more often, no matter what that means, because I find writing to be cathartic and healthy.

Blogging is hard; sometimes as badly as you’d like to write, you have nothing to say. And rambling about how your day sucked just doesn’t cut it. I honestly have had trouble coming up with things to write about lately. I hate to blab on and on about nothing, which is pretty much what is happening right now. I mean, I suppose I can give a brief update, but that’s about all I’ve got.

Halloween is Tomorrow: I’ve got two pumpkins and a ton of candy. I will carve the pumpkins some time tomorrow and hope that we get a few trick or treaters. There will probably be maybe ten I will have lots of leftover candy. Hopefully I’ll have pictures of the pumpkins.

NaNoWriMo Starts Monday: National Novel Writing Month! I am participating this year, and fingers are crossed that I actually pull this one off; I’m going to be working on Redemption.

I have a cooking blog: Check out my cooking adventures at The Sassy Southerner’s Kitchen.

So this is a difficult post, but I promised myself that I would write about everything. So here goes. Sometimes in life we make choices that we think are right but in the end turn out to be wrong. Sometimes what we think is the smart move turns out to be a mistake. I am experiencing that now. I got a letter, in June of last year, telling me that I had been accepted to law school in L-ville; after much deliberation I decided to go, even though it was not where I really wanted to attend. At the time most people were encouraging me, and there was always an opportunity to transfer later. So I packed up my life and made the long drive up north; I left my family, my friends, and Jake. I thought I could do it, that even if the situation was difficult and unpleasant, I could power through three years. I was wrong. It was a mistake. I started feeling out of place almost immediately. The minute I started talking and folks sort of stared because I had a funny accent and used strange colloquialisms. I didn't belong there, but I took a deep breath and held my head high, pretended that I didn't need to feel comfortable. I was wrong. I knew something wasn't right, but I tried desperately to power through it. That was a mistake. Leaving was a mistake. I was so unbelievably wrong. Do I regret it? No. I firmly believe that regret does nothing for you. No regrets, just lessons learned. So what now? I guess this is a year of no school for me, which means hunting a job and paying my loans. Hopefully, things will settle again, and I will figure all this out.

I made a huge mistake, and it had so not so pleasant consequences; it feels like right now God is giving me a reset, taking me back to before this happened. Not a rewind or restart, but a fresh start. I need that. I know, short entry is short, but I don't really feel like writing in length about this subject.

After reading an entry from one of my favorite blogs, Nat the Fat Rat, I feel rather inspired. Nat is inspiring because of her faith, her wit, her honesty, and her unending and true love for her husband; she is reading the Old Testament, and her latest entry about the women of Genesis got me to thinking. She found a connection with Rachel and so have I, but we have different reasons. So dear readers, here is another more personal entry at Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans. The concept of "Let go and just let God" is not foreign to me, and its not a difficult concept to understand. However, it is a difficult thing for me to execute. The ideas that everything happens for a reason, what's meant to be always finds a way, and God has a plan are also not difficult for me. This brings me to the thoughts bouncing around in my head right now. I have always believed that I am the kind of woman who will not get things handed to me; I know that I may always have to fight for what I want. I can handle that. But sometimes life and the universe throw me curves, and I feel like I swing and miss. Lately I've felt like that a lot more than usual. So I've taken a step back, and I'm looking at all of this with fresh eyes. I take hope that God will remember me, and He will eventually put things together as they should be. Maybe it won't be with Jake, but I hope it will.

You see, I had a realization, one Sunday as I sat with Jake in the front pews of his church; he stood up to go lead the next song, and as we all I stood, I realized that God had picked him out for me to be with. And so I prayed that God would help me do what it took to stay with him, and to make me the kind of woman Jake deserves. I pray now that He will help to save my relationship, though it is in shambles, and it that is what is meant to be, I know that it will eventually happen. That realization was not the first, but it was one of many. None of those are blogged about here in C & W because they happened before I started this blog. The first occured the first Wednesday I went to church with him; there I was sitting in the Bible Study, and they were talking about how sometimes we set our minds to some sort of desire and fail to realize that God has other plans for us or refuse to accept it. My hands rested on my wornout pink Bible, and I glanced over at Jake. I realized then that I was doing just that, stubbornly clinging to a path that wasn't leading to where I should be. At that point I wasn't sure where my path was supposed to lead or what my path was supposed to be; I just knew my path was wrong. Then I had another realization, one more powerful. I was riding to church with him, and I was struck by how perfect it felt to be headed there with him. I knew in my heart that I belonged with him and that I was supposed to be on a path toward him, but it didn't sink in well I guess. Then came that Sunday morning, sitting in the front pews with him because he was leading singing that day, his arm around my shoulder, my eyes following along in the text, then watching as he stood up to lead another song. Everything seemed so right; I heard this voice telling me that I had to be strong, that I had to hold on, that I should not lose him. And so I tried my hardest to do just that. Then in January I had this realization, and I knew right then, where I was meant to be. All that time I had spent being a fool felt so wasted.

The story of Jacob and Rachel had special significance for us. Jake kept reminding me of that story, over and over, as we struggled to even be able to see each other. I grew to resent that story a little bit, perhaps because it did not give me the kind of hope I wanted or perhaps because I was just so frustrated and missing him so much. But looking at it now, I see it differently.The basic story goes like this. Rachel is the daughter of a proud and sneaky man, who tells Jacob he can marry her after seven years hard labor, and then pulls a sneaky trick by slipping Leah in at the wedding instead. Rachel is who Jacob loves most, and for Rachel he continues to work for his father-in-law. Genesis 29:20 “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” It was always Jake’s constant reminder that we were so in love that even the longest time apart would seem short in the end. The story continues with Rachel’s struggle to have children, while her sister can easily have them. She prays and prays and begs God for help. Genesis 30:22 "And God remembered Rachel." She kept praying and talking to God and trying. And eventually God answered. That is what I take from the story now. God had a plan for her, and, when it was time, he Brought that plan to fruition. Her prays were answered, and she was blessed. I believe that God has a plan and that, whatever that plan is, He will work with you and bring it about.

Every time Jake and I would have some sort of trouble, be it a set back like my grades or the difficulty we had during Winter Break, I would pray that things would work out. I'd pray for us, pray that I would be a better girlfriend, more patient and less stubborn. Every time I did, I got the same answer "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." It went something like this:

I had to move to L-Ville and prayed that we could handle the distance: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Getting into the same law school was going to be difficult and I prayed that even if we didn't we could handle it: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
There was absolutely no way we'd get into the same law school and I prayed for strength and patience: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake and I were not on the same page mostly because I was an impatient fool and I prayed for help to become a better friend, partner, and girlfriend: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake called, deciding we were over and I prayed that we would be able to fix this: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."

Now I find myself on my knees praying that we can save us, that all is not lost. I pray that somehow, some way, the story is not over for us. I pray that we aren't broken forever. I still feel like I'm supposed to be with him. I still feel like that is the plan because I am still getting the same answer. "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." Maybe the plan has changed, but I just don't think so. We'd come so far, and we were so close. We were so in love and so happy. I know that sometimes things happen and couples fall apart, but I just can't shake the feeling that things aren't right because we are apart. It doesn't make sense (but don't get me started on things that don't make sense). So I'm going to remember the story of Jacob and Rachel, and how God remembered Rachel and answered her prayers and brought His plan for her into fruition. And I'm going to keep praying even if the answer remains the same refrain. "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up." I'm going to what I need to do, and I will survive, no matter what the plan.

Last week, around Wednesday night, I finally broke my glasses. I couldn't even tape them to get through the week Harry Potter style. They snapped right in half at the nose piece. That meant that, while I had intended to stay at the Shoebox and work, I had to go home to the Boro for an eye exam to get new glasses and new contacts. I really love eye exams (haha, yeah right), especially the glaucoma test where they puff air at your eyeball. It always, I mean always, takes three or four times per eye to get it right. I spent Friday working on my brief (foul creature though it is) and watching curling. Saturday morning I went for my eye exam and then had a heart attack when I saw just how much it cost me to handle my eye issues. $75 for the exam, $50 for my contacts, $52 for my frames, and $110 for my lenses. That is outrageous, not going to lie. Our insurance doesn't cover contacts and glasses, just the exam, and I forgot to mention the insurance when I did the appointment, but it's really just a big hassle anyway. That afternoon though I got to see my cousin Erica's baby, and she is such a little doll. I didn't think I was ever going to see her (family issues suck), so I was very excited to see her. She looks like her mama, right down to the big blue eyes and chubby cheeks. I failed to take pictures, mainly because she was still dealing with a slight cough and runny nose after her bought with pnuemonia and the lighting was really bad. I promise that the next time I see her I will take lots and lots of pictures.

When I got home last night I didn't intend to go grocery shopping because I was really tired, but after seeing the ridiculous parking situation going on and realizing how much I would have to do tonight, I decided to go ahead and do my shopping. Of course that means going across the river to Indiana, but its not so bad when there is no traffic. I am one of "those people" when it comes to shopping. I don't just grab the first item I see. I am that woman you see studying a cut of meat to determine whether I like the amount of fat or looking through the apples to select shiny ones that are firm and nicely colored. I am a food snob, and I think you should be conscious of what you are putting in your body. Good ingredients make good dishes, and so when I'm picking out veggies to make a tomato sauce (which I can't do in the Shoebox because I have no blender and no room) I pick out the freshest tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions, for example.  On that note, I am making a diluted version of my father's "Savage's Dear God Lasagna", which is a version of my Aunt Bessie Petrillo's delicious recipe, and so I was picking out decent pasta, cheese, ground beef, and pasta sauce (I hate sauce from the jar, but can't make my own at the moment). I hate that I cannot afford several of the needed ingredients and thus cannot make a truly good lasagna, but I will survive. It will provide me with plenty of leftovers for lunches and dinners, which is always a plus.

I am not pleased with the current weather. It was very pretty this weekend, but not its gloomy and wet and unpleasant. Boo weather, you fail. This is not really worthy of a paragraph all to it's self, but its not related to anything else either.

I am well aware of how pathetic my last posts have been. Losing someone you love makes you feel pathetic though. I think that part of my problem is that I've let the pressure of law school, the unpleasantness of being fairly isolated, and the distance (and now the loss) cause me to become something I'm not. I know that I am strong; I've always been a strong person both mentally and emotionally. I'm stubborn, willful, determined, and I never give up. I hold my own even when I'm carrying the weight of the world. I take on everything, and I don't let things knock me down. I am independant. I can get by on my own. I have always said that I can live alone and get by without having someone, but I choose not to do it. I don't want to go through life alone, but if I have to, I can. But lately I've been crumbling. I let it make me soft, pathetic, and weak, and it started long before the recent insanity. Those are not attractive qualities, and this pathetic woman I seem to be right now is not the woman that Jake fell in love with. Perhaps that was part of what caused this to happen. I am working on it though. Yes, I hope that some miracle will happen, and things will go back to the way they were, when everything was good and happy and wonderful. But I'm not going to obsess over it, not going let it destroy me. Will I just forget it? No. Will I give up completely on saving something that means so much to me? No. But I am going to "woman up". I am going dig into my well of strength and independence and manage to get through things. I am a strong independant woman, and its time for me to be that woman again. I know I can do it, and I will.

Well, I have a lot to do and need to get started before I cook dinner. I will now leave you with a fun veiw of my to-do list for the week:

I promise that I will come up with an entry before this weekend is over, but country music sort of says exactly what I want I am feeling and what I want to say. I don't really like posting just the lyrics to songs and what not because that is not what my blog is about, but this just needed to be done. It's been echoing in my ears for a while. So at this time the best way to convey my emotions is Clay Walker's "This Woman and This Man".

The second semester is already in full swing here in law school land; this weekend will probably be my last moments of relaxation for a while because the grind has already begun in earnest. My planner is filled with appointments to meet with professors to review exams, which will not be a pleasant experience (especially for Torts, Property, and Legal Research), notes on assignments to read, research to do, and times to compile my notes for each class. Due to my unfortunate grades, I have to meet with the woman in charge of the academic success office, and its not something I like doing since she practically accused me of not working hard enough and in general this whole issue is really hard to deal with for me. I've always been the smart one, and sometimes that feels like all I have; my family introduces me as the smart child, and most of the time I feel like my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me. If I'm not smart then what am I? Who am I if I'm not the intelligent one? I am now stepping up my game, but this is going to be a very very long semester with a lot of hard work and grinding through it and not very much time to breathing. I predict a great deal of time spent alone in my apartment, doing nothing but work. It will be a miracle if I get time to work out, much less the time to see the people I love. I do not predict a lot of cheerful entries for folks to read. If you want to make a run for it now, I don't blame you. I'm definitely not going to be seeing a lot of TN, since going home typically means that I don't get much done. There will be some melt downs, and it won't be pretty. Hold on tight because we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.

I hate the way this all makes me feel, and I hate the way it makes me act. It's not fair to the people who have to deal with me on a regular basis. I have made my Mother worry (and Southern Mothers worry in general because its part of their charm) more than she needs to worry about her adult daughter. I've lashed out at people (more than my usual charming snark and snap), and its not been pretty. I snapped at my kid brother, my nerves are on edge, and even when I screw on that smile that Southern women are able to bring out even when they are standing among the spiralling chaos, its hard to make it convincing. It also makes me a terrible friend and partner, and I feel like I'm being a horrible girlfriend for Jake. Its hard enough having a long distance relationship, and then I make it worse by becoming this mess. He tries so hard to be supportive, to be there for me, and I tend to get snippy and nasty and I cry too much. Instead of making things better, I just make them worse. Lately I have not been the kind of girlfriend that a guy wants. There is nothing fun, sexy, cute, beautiful, or pleasant about the emotional and ridiculous mess that I am right now. Jake stands by me just the same, which is something that I really appreciate, and I love him so much. I know that a lot of times it would be easier to just cut and run when I get like this, especially when all I do is argue and get more idiotic. Let's face, Jake is a better man than a crazy Southern woman like me could ever ask for.

I promised myself that I would be positive about this semester, that I would just make the best of what I have, but its not as easy as it may seem. I was ok, really, until I met with the academic success person. Then suddenly all hell broke loose, and the tears started to fall and the need for caffiene and chocolate set in, and well here I am. I have to get over this, or at least get better (in the sense that I am not whimpering and sniffling like a child), before this weekend, since I want to have a good time and make the best of it. This is especially true considering that after this weekend I don't know when I'll see Jake or even have a decent break.

So today the Jake and Nic Show went sort of dramatic today, and it was not fun. It's a funny thing, distance, sometimes it makes things easier and sometimes it makes things harder. Sometimes it makes you reluctant to talk about things because you don't want to spend what little time you have to talk or be together discussing unpleasant truths. Well, when that happens it all spills over into one big pile of "things we should've talked about ages ago but now we really have to talk about them". Then conversation is a long and unpleasant one that may or may not involve tears. I do not enjoy those kinds of things, but I'm sure no one does. It has been a rough day because of this. It's all fun and games until something goes awry.

Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. Well, probably most people's existence, but at the moment I am talking about my own. Jacob somehow got the wrong impression about a lot of things, probably because Yours Truly is a mess and has difficulties. For one, he thought I wanted nothing to do with his family, but really I just haven't had much of a chance to be around them. Living in L-ville and having such a hectic and busy life, there have been very few opportunities for me to do things like that. I've promised to try to make things better because I love him and want to be a part of his life and his family is so very important to him. I curse my baggage, and I have some very unpleasant baggage for causing some of these issues to even arise. Some things stem from way back when we first started dating over a year ago, things I thought we were passed but apparently we weren't. But we are working on them now, and a lot of it is going to be me trying to shuffle and juggle to do it. I won't go into anymore detail about that part of the conversation because really, it's not something we need the world to know. I love him, and we have to get through this. I always dread moments like these, even though I know that they are normal really. No couple can be completely in-sync all the time, and every relationship will have rough moments along the way. The strength of your relationship is tested by these moments, and the real strength is being able to get through them. I guess it happened to us because we fell out of rhythm, and we didn't talk enough. I think maybe we have learned our lesson.

I think some people are meant to always fight for what they want, and I think that I'm one of those people. I foolishly thought that if we wanted it badly enough, if we fought hard enough, that we could have what we want without waiting so long. I foolishly hoped that it was our turn, that for once I wouldn't have to fight and we wouldn't have to struggle. I got my hopes up and then watched them crash; it seems to be a trend with me to be honest. The problem is that Jake and I met, and then our relationship sort of rocketed all the way to a brick wall. Neither of us expected it to happen, least of all me. I really just couldn't see that far forward. And part of it was that I like where we were going. We've been together a little over a year, and we are completely head over heels, and we've sort of reached this point where the next logical step, the one we really want to take, is to get hitched. But that can't happen right away or even in the next year by his calculations because things are just not in place yet. I had hoped that with a little planning, a lot of prayer, and some serious forethought and work we could manage to do what we want without having to wait the five years it will take to finish law school and pass the Bar. It sounds crazy that just because we are, or will be, both in law school, which only takes three years, that we will have to wait so long, but thats the logistics of it. I've done the math, looked at the options, and figure it out. Maybe its the crazy female in me, but I just hate the idea of a wait so long for something we want so much.

Maybe I'm not being entirely rational, even if I thought I was, but I've learned the hard way the over-thinking things just leads to more trouble. I guess that I was slightly blinded by the fact that I have finally found "the one" and I really love him. While I can barely think about such a long wait, I'm not giving up on us. In fact if anything I am more determined than ever to marry this man. I love him with all my heart, you see. I found something I thought I would never find again and I'm not about to let that go. Life rarely gives you second chances, and I'm not going to lose out this time. I love this man, despite all the problems we face. I'm determined.

Good news: Today's weather was actually nice enough that since I don't have class until 2:25PM and only have one textbook (Contracts) to carry along with my bag and purse I could walk to the law school. I love being able to walk to class.

It's the first week of November, the weather here in the North is still refusing to pick a temperature, and my life is filled to the brim with things to keep me busy. I've got the Open Memo (foul creature that it is) due next Monday, which means that I have to show up early enough to turn the thing in even though my first class of the day will not be until one in the afternoon. I guess I will spend that morning in the library working on the outlines for Torts and CivPro (Also known as the land of Mordor) since those are my classes for the day. Both outlines are in bad need of an update. Speaking of outlines, I need to have all my outlines updated before next weekend, especially since I'm going to be in the Boro to judge mock trial rounds for the MTSU tournament. Nerdy though it is, I'm excited about that. Finals are in about four weeks, and it scares the crap out of me. Law School finals are not like undergrad finals. Undergrad finals are just the last chunk of your grade when you are a college student. Law School finals are your only grades when you are a law student. So I want my outlines updated and ready for typing ASAP, especially that CivPro outline. CivPro is really the only class I am having trouble in, and I can't stand it. I get so frustrated because I can go into the classroom, having read all the material and think I have an understanding of what I should know, but then the professor speaks and I am lost. I am actually terrified of that exam. Torts, I understand; Property, I get the basics and will just have to review the different rules thoroughly. Contracts, I'm not having much difficulty in despite the strange way the class tends to go.

I think I need to come up with some better responses to the question "So how is law school?" Seriously, mostly what I say is that it’s different; it keeps me busy, and it’s interesting, all of which are fairly lame answers to the question really. I love law school minus CivPro and BLS, and I love that I am learning a lot. I wish I could share some of the hilarious jokes that crop up, but they are just not as funny to people who aren't in law school or aren't going to be in law school soon. I laugh when someone says “Torts makes me want to commit assault and battery" But I'm sure people outside here will just look at me funny when I say it. Law school does make you see the world differently. Daddy (I'm Southern, so yes, I call my father Daddy) was talking about a friend he knew who was considering a law suit. After hearing the facts I spouted off promissory estoppel and why it fit. It's good that I know that, since it's important for the final, but it's strange that I can do that now. I see the legal issues in all sorts of things. I do, however, wish that people wouldn't say I'm in graduate school. Law School is not Grad School; Grad School is for wimps.

I need a new camera. (Whoa, random subject change) I've had my current one for several years, and it has been a good one. But it is beginning to show it's age and the wear and tear of thousands of pictures is starting to get to it I think. My little Samsung has seen better days, though it did serve well all summer what with the 60+ pictures I took at the zoo. It's scratched from all the times little cousins have excitedly tapped it's screen when shown pictures of themselves; it's scuffed up from all the different places it's been scooted, stashed, tucked away, and hidden. The pictures are not as clear and pretty sometimes, which saddens me, and it is often a little weak. It's gotten harder on batteries lately, and so I have to turn it off and charge them more often. I tried to take pictures of my earrings to put in the shop, and very few of them turned out well, which was a disappointment. I wound up having to let Nanny take pictures with her camera. I think that if I don't get one as a gift before then, I will save up my jewelry money and buy myself a new one. For now I will just make do, since I want to take pictures at the tournament next weekend.

Thinking of jewelry, I made five new designs for earrings last weekend; I was really happy with three of them in particular. I left them with Mama to take to work to sell, and I forgot to take pictures of them for the shop. I'm slightly disappointed because they were really awesome designs, and I wanted to see if they would sell better online than what I have now. I guess I will just have to make a few more and photograph them if Mama sells the ones she has before I get home next weekend. I've got some great ideas for necklace/earring sets that I want to try, and I've found tons of new beads for jewelry. But first I need to sell most if not all of the pieces I've made so far. I'm thinking my sales will increase when it gets closer to Christmas. (Fingers are crossed)

In light of my upcoming appearance at the Mid-South Invitational at MTSU, I've decided to set myself a goal. I figure at least for the first round I judge I will wear a suit, and my old one looks pretty shabby. So I've decided that, since I will need one for interviews soon, I'm going to put back some money to buy a new one. But I don't want to buy a new one while I'm still sort of big, only to have to have it tailored or buy a new one because I've dropped a few sizes. That would be impractical. So I'm going to wait and get one in November, before the tournament.

New Goal: Drop 2 sizes by November 13th
New Plan: No more skipping workouts just cause I don't feel like hitting the gym; No more skipping Friday work outs unless I go home and no more skipping weekends (even if it means hitting the treadmill at the 'rents house); no more crappy eating habits due to classes and work

So like the title says I've set myself back, and that means that I am major disappointed in myself. I usual routine is to work out 3 or 4 times a week, depending on how busy I am; I've been working out Monday through Thursday, and I was making progress. Well, I didn't work out last weekend, and then yesterday I didn't feel good and was just not feeling into the idea of hitting the exercise bike. I've got to do something different, but my only other choice is the elliptical and at the moment that hurts my knees way too much. Well today I got on the bike and barely made my old time, much less my current time. I was hurting so bad that I had to quit. I was so frustrated that I was nearly in tears because I feel like I sabotaged myself and set myself back. It's hard enough for me to lose weight as it is; I don't need to make it any more difficult for myself. I'm kind of pissed at myself because today I treated myself to a Frosty at lunch, and I've been sort of crappy with my dieting, so I just made things worse. Also, Nic needs a good ab workout, other than just crunches because they don't seem to work very well. I'm trying a new idea from Jacob, but I'd like some others.

I'm sitting here, and it's raining again, which means that I can't go put the locks and window motor in my blazer. That sort of thing can't get wet. I hate this weather because it can't decide whether its going to rain or not, and every five minutes or so the rain either starts or stops. Maybe this afternoon when my dad gets home I will be able to work on my ride; I hate trying to work on it without him anyway because while I can do a lot of things to it, I just feel more comfortable when he's around. So since I can't work on the blazer, I figured I would write a little bit about my latest plan. I know, not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but hey, I don't think many people are reading this thing anyway. What is this plan? Well I'm hoping that if I get started on my fitness quest before I start law school in the next two weeks, I will be less likely to give up as time goes on and things get more difficult. Starting Saturday I will be working very hard to achieve my goal.

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Nic, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I've always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I'm willing to admit that. I'm also willing to admit that it's going to be a long road because I'm in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don't have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I'm actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

1. I'm addicted to caffeine and chocolate, two things that aren't exactly healthy. Along those same lines, I have a serious sweet tooth, and one of my favorite things is to bake and create sweet treats because it allows me to be creative.
2. I have a bad snacking habit; I snack while I work on papers and stuff and while I read, and I'm really bad about getting the munchies, especially during a certain week. I'm working to improve this by drinking more water and eating healthier snacks like apples, raw almonds, and popcorn that I pop myself with no butter and just a very little salt.
3. I don't sleep as well as I should; I'm really bad about not sleeping when I should or getting enough sleep. I know that sleep is important because it helps your body recharge and repair. I'm not sure what to do about the sleep issue because it's a matter of not being able to convince myself to shut down.
4. I tend to get stressed and irritated, and when I do I get distracted. This is a problem because I let my stress and frustration distract me from my work out, for example I get too mad to run or lift weights or whatever. So to combat this little hitch, I'm going to turn my frustration and irritation into work out fuel.
5. I tend to get too busy and too tired to work out. I will become so mired down in work and other life stresses, and it flat wears me out. I lack the energy to do the work out I know I should be doing. I'm not sure how I will combat this problem cause, to be honest, I've never been able to do it in the past.
6. I'm not patient, and so when I don't start seeing results soon enough, I find it hard to keep it up. I know that it takes time to start seeing weight loss and a change in the way my clothes fit, but I've never been a very patient person. I think this problem that arises from growing up in a family of drag racers.

I'm determined to make this work, and I will succeed this time, even though I have not before now. Now is the time for me; if not now then when? I keep putting it off and waiting, but I can't do that any more. If I keep doing that I will never do it; I know that. I have never been super thin or really fit, but once upon a time I was not as fat as I am now. My hope is that by next summer, when I go to PCB with Jacob because I promised him I would go, that I will be fit and pretty and swimsuit ready. I want to be all toned and gorgeous and everything, and I will be. I know that underneath my chunk is pretty, and I am determined to find it.