Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

I am back in the Shoebox, warming up and finishing the last of my homework for tomorrow. Like I mentioned last entry, I went on the church retreat in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge with Jake and the young adult group from his church. Have you ever felt like your spirit, your heart, your mind, and (yes this sounds cheesy) your soul has been sort of recharged, revived, and renewed? Well coming back from that retreat that's sort of how I feel.

Friday night we arrived at the cabin, after a hilarious trip up to the mountains; we went through Maryville, which looked like a low rent version of Woodbury, TN, passed a really seedy looking place (it was obviously some sort of strip club) that looked to have a $1 an hour motel attached, and went through an area where we could swear we were hearing banjo music (Deliverance style). The parking situation wasn't pleasant, but we made do; of course we hadn't eaten, so we went to TGIFriday's for a late dinner with another couple. It was fun to go out and chat with another couple. We played a little air hockey and relaxed. Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast, and then the morning devotional. The topic was Today, as in living for Today; I found myself recalling the fact that I am really bad about regrets at times. I get hung up in the past, and I fail to live for Today. There is so much good happening right now, and I know that if I'm not paying attention I will miss it. I have a good life; I have a great family, a future, and the most wonderful man in my life. During the day, Jacob and I went with two other couples and a friend of his to Gatlinburg where we just sort of browsed for the day. It was nice to just wander around and have nothing to do. There were some people doing the Free Hug thing, which Jake was creeped out by, but other than that it was a nice relaxing trip.

That evening Jake and I snuggled on the couch, and I sort of half watched the Cardinals/Saints game, since it was on in the main sitting area. I really didn't care what was on the television at that point so long as Jacob ad I could stay where we were on the couch. Saturday night's devotional type thing was about Forgiveness, which brings me to the title of the entry. I tend to have trouble forgiving myself for my past mistakes; I will spend quite some time beating myself up over things that I can't change. This is also part of that whole living for today bit. I've also been holding on to a touch of bitterness from that old heartbreak from almost a year and a half ago, and I really shouldn't. Part of me sometimes wishes that the ex finds himself realizing that he's missed out; part of me wishes that he had just a little bit of regret for leaving me. But, as we sat watching House on TV and I absently played with Jake's hair, I got to thinking. I really don't have to keep being angry and bitter about the old wounds; they've mostly healed up, and I've got this fantastic man in my life who treats me better than I could ever ask and loves me. And if I just let go, I will be able to live, to really live. I can let it go and wish the ex well, because I can move on with my life. I've got a whole lot to look forward to now.

It was great weekend, something I really needed. It was great to spend some time just relaxing, and it was pretty cool to sort of live in the same house with Jake. The mountains were beautiful, the lessons were powerful, and it was just the sort of recharging, reviving, and renewing that I needed. There was something great about the singing this weekend, too. There is nothin' quite like listening to Jake sing, and I was sitting next to him; he's got a great voice, and it sort of reaches you at times. To sing with him is amazing. There was something about adding my voice to the other voices lifted to sing to and for God that was really powerful. Music has always spoken to me, and I guess it always will. C.S. Lewis wrote about the Deep Magic in his Chronicles of Narnia, which anyone who really knows their C.S. Lewis, and most people with any brains at all, knows is a series about Christianity and Jesus and faith. The Deep Magic is part of what connects Narnia's inhabitants to each other in the same way that faith and a common love and belief in God and Jesus connects Christians. I think that part of what rings for me is that when we were singing, you could feel that connection, that Deep Magic so to speak. I don't have a great voice, but I do love to sing; there was something amazing about singing those songs with Jake and the rest of the group.

This particular line we sang hit me. "Lord you know just where I've been so light the fire in my heart again". I was in desperate need of recharge, not only in mind and body, but in spirit. And this weekend helped with that. Sunday morning there was a time where we all sat in silence and if anyone had anything to say to the group, they could. I don't know how it happened, but I just suddenly felt the need to say how grateful I was to be there. And as sort of lame as it was, I cried. I couldn't help it; all of a sudden it was just there and I felt like I had to speak up in a way I hadn't before, at least in front of those people. There is something to be said about being completely recharged all over, body, mind, heart, and spirit. Sometimes things just happen, and I know they happen for a reason. I was meant to love and lose the ex because I was meant to hurt enough for my eyes to open. I was meant to find my way to where I am now. There is a reason that I'm not with the first boy I ever loved. I was supposed to meet Jake, I was supposed to love him, and I am suppose to be with him. I prayed a lot for God to show me the way, and then like a typical blind human being, I wasn't paying attention. I'm paying attention now.