Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Sometimes I think I want too much out of life. And I don’t mean little things like the fact that I’d love to have more readers on my blog (although I really would) or finally mastering some recipe or losing the fifty or more pounds I need to lose. I want to do so much with my life, and some of it is all so different.

I want to change the world, make it better, and I want to practice law. For so long I’ve wanted to be a lawyer, and I’ve done as much as I can to make that happen. I’ve given up so much to do it. I feel like I lost Jake to my own ambition because I left before I should have; if I had stayed in TN just one more year instead of rushing off at the first change I got, maybe things would have turned out differently for us, and then maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely. But that’s not the point. The point is that I so desperately want to be a lawyer, and I’m so afraid that I may never become one. I don’t what I’d do with my life if I couldn’t go to law school and become a lawyer. I’d give everything to be able to do that.

But I also want to bake; I want to make amazing cookies and cakes. I think it would terrific to be able to make these fabulous creations that make people smile when they see them. How does that add up? I mean becoming a lawyer and owning a bakery, or maybe just a small shop that sell custom orders only. I love baking, and I love being able to be creative in the kitchen. I had so much fun baking my niece’s third birthday cake, and I would love to keep improving. My Grandmother offered to send me to classes to learn stuff, and I’m really tempted to take her up on that offer. It would be great to be able to really decorate cakes and to make those beautiful and adorable cookies I see on other food blogs all the time.

When I said that I want too much out of life, I meant it. You see I want to write. I mean really write. I’ve always been passionate about the written word both reading it and writing for myself. It should come as no surprise that I have read thirty two books towards my goal of reading one hundred books in the year 2012. Someday I’d like to be published. I’d like to write something amazing and brilliant, something worth reading. I have folders full of unfinished works that I just haven’t been able finish. I have so many ideas, and I just want to write everything.

I want so much, and I’m so afraid that I want to much. I want to write and bake and practice law. I want to be happy most of all. I want to be happy.

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In other news I have a new obsession. You can find me on pinterest! I don’t know what makes it so fabulous, but I love it.

Vain and Gratuitous Picture to update you on my appearance (edited in photoshop out of boredom)

But the problem with a blog when you have no life is that you have nothing to write about. Most of the time my life consists of playing in Photoshop, occasionally writing on novels that may never be finished, tons of reading, and cooking (lots and lots of cooking). Just a reminder, I talk about my culinary adventures at A Taste of Joy, and I promise to update that blog more often. In fact, my goal is to blog more from now on, and hopefully I can manage that.

Before I start with the updates on what little has transpired in the life of Nic, let me begin by saying that this blog will hopefully become a lot more interesting. I’m not going to be blogging about major political issues or anything like that, though I may talk about important issues that have been on my mind a lot, but I am going to hopefully talk more about life as I experience it. This includes blogging about the books I read, the movies I see, things I see, and things that happen in my life. Whether or not that will be interesting or worth reading is yet to be determined, but writing used to be a great outlet for me; I intend to let it be that again. So on with the blogging.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing a lot of reading, and you can find my Goodreads updates both on my sidebar and by visiting my account. I’m open to book recommendations and friends there. I plan to blog more about my literary adventures, including reviews of sorts of the books I’m reading.

Currently I am halfway through a re-read of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones so that I can move on to reading A Clash of Kings, and it’s one of those books that is so dense and rich that reading it a second time gives you more to love. Let me take a moment to talk about this book in general, without giving away too much, and then when I’ve finished I will write an actual review.

Martin’s writing style is very heavy, and he tends to be very wordy; however, for me that is not a deterrent so long as the story continues to move forward at a decent pace, which for the most part he does. He has a sort of Joss Whedon wickedness about him, in that you will fall in love with characters only to have them viciously taken from you via death. But his characters are deliciously human, and even the villains are realistic. I absolutely love that there are characters to love, characters you’ll love to hate, and characters you find yourself cheering for despite misgiving. The story rotates through their various points of view, which can be very daunting, and some of his chosen narrators leave a lot to be desired (I’m looking at you Sansa Stark, you little simpering whiner); however, each narrator weaves a brilliant portion of the overall tapestry, bringing their subplots and motivations.

The world is richly developed, and while there are underlying elements of high fantasy (dragons, direwolves, magic, and the mysterious Others), the fantasy aspect is cleverly worked into the overall story without bombarding the reader. It is not a book for the squeamish or those uncomfortable with sex, violence, and death, but I highly recommend it for fantasy lovers who want something thick and detailed to feed a need for heroes and villains.
Other books I’m reading:

• Eona by Allison Goodman
• Brisingr by Christopher Paolini
• Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey

The only update I have for now is that I have two mapped out but unfinished barely started novels. One is a futuristic dystopian work called NeverWonder and the other is a historical fantasy work that has yet to be named.

Fall has arrived, with weird hot and cold weather habits, and I am sitting here in my hoodie and jeans, sipping water, nibbling a nutrigrain bar, and listening to music. I realize that it has been well over two months since I last sat down at the laptop to write something for a post in this blog. I am ashamed. But I just haven't had much to write about really. Life has been boring and uneventful; all I've really done is some cleaning and work on applications for law school again. So here's watch you missed for the last two months:

The job market for law clerks and legal secretaries, which is pretty much the only reasonable paying job that a woman with a political science degree focused on pre-law and a year of law school under her belt is qualified for, is for crap. I know that is not an eloquent way to put it, but its the truth. I've called friends, family members, my doctor who has a whole family of lawyers, friends of my parents, and no one can afford to hire me. I've got a great resume (minus the lack of work experience), but I keep hearing the same thing over and over. My academics (minus last year) and extracurricular activities and skills make me marketable, but the economy makes me expensive apparently. Stupid economy, stupid job market, stupid times, my friends. So I am still jobless, despite all my attempts.

I am learning to code, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be. A lot of it is memorizing tags and where they belong, then common sense and trial and error to move and place things. Why am I doing this? Well, I got volunteered to build a website for my uncle's business, and, because it's family and there was a promise of a little fundage, I spent some of my amazon gift card money on two books on html and css. Becoming a code monkey, that's what I'm doing. I also got photoshop and illustrator, and I am attempting to learn to use them to make graphics. If anything I have managed to make something useful out of my free time.

I do believe that I have lost an inch or two in my hips because my size 13 jeans are just a bit droopy folks. My calves, oh my calves are a beautiful thing. They are tight and tones and strong. However, my midsection is still stubbornly refusing to shrink. (Well maybe it is and I just don't notice because I am angry with it for being so ridiculously chubby and slow to shape up) But I'm trying to be patient. As you know, patience in not and has never been one of my strong points. I am practicing portion control, and that's not easy. It is getting better because when I don't over eat I feel better and I'm getting to the point where I don't have to eat as much to be full. I am walking as often as possible, and jogging when I can. Lately the weather has been uncooperative and I've been kind of sick (weather change + Nic's allergies= no fun) But I am trying to get back on track.

After discovering the ridiculous amount of clutter stifling me in my little bedroom at Casa de 'Rents, I went on a cleaning spree. You see, we are finally going to begin the much anticipated remodel of the house, and its going to dominate my time. Walls are being repaired and painted, new wood flooring (no more carpet), new flooring in the bathrooms, new appliances and cabinets in the kitchen, and we are finally going to get the washer and dryer out of the kitchen area. That is all going to begin very soon, in fact, it will begin as soon as the small loan is processed, and that knowledge got me to thinking about my room, which was still full of boxes from my move back from L-Ville. I cleaned the room and started putting books away again, which is when I discovered that it was clear that my granddaddy had not anticipated the fact that I would be such a massive bibliophile when he built my bookshelf once upon a time. I had to actually redo the entire thing and store some books I never read, just to make room.

The only problem is that I will have to pack it all up again once I move out next year (Good Lord willing, I get into law school again). Which brings me to my final point. I am applying to only schools in TN, and hopefully I will get into the one in Nash-vegas so that I can either get into an apartment in the Boro or Nash-vegas instead of moving to Knox-vegas or Memphis; if this happens where ever I move will more than likely become a permanent residence for awhile, allowing me to stop being a nomad and settle into my own place. When this happens, I will get awesome cooking supplies, and I plan to start a cooking blog. I will still keep this one for personal blogging, but I will also run a blog devoted to my cooking adventures. Speaking of cooking, I think I am going to go have some fabulous tomato soup, now, out of a can of course.

Note from Nic: This blog is getting a fresh new look ASAP. It may stay black and white, but a new background and banner should be coming soon.

One of my favorite lines from Sweet Home Alabama (aside from Jake's "Honey, just cause I talk slow don't mean I'm stupid.") is the line in the cemetary where he tells her "Who says you can't have both? You can have roots and wings, Mel." The ex-boyfriend, affectionately called The Coward by my friends, who came before Jake once told me that I wasn't what he called a "nester". He said I wasn't the kind of woman who needed to settle down with a white picket fence and nice little family with lots of kids. He told me that I was the kind of woman who simply needed a home to come back to after my latest adventure was over; I wasn't the kind of woman who was meant to be a happy housewife. I needed a companion for my adventures, someone to go with me on the wild ride that was the life I wanted. He said that I didn't need a man in my life, I simply allowed one into my life because I desired a companion, and because sometimes I required a reminder that I need to eat and sleep and take care of myself when I get all wrapped up in taking care of everything and everyone else. I laughed at the time; I was twenty years old, and I had no idea what kind of woman I really was or what I was meant to be. Funny, now that I think about it, perhaps in a way he was right. I want both; I want to have roots and wings.

I want to have a home that is my own to come back to, a place that is my own sanctuary, but I really don't want the perfect little house in a subdivision with a little backyard and a white picket fence. Somewhere tucked away with the rest of my old sketchbooks and notebooks is a design for that house in my dreams. It's all laid out in detail, carefully drawn on graph paper. (I was in maybe the seventh or eighth grade when I drew it, and I was sitting in the huge living room of my Nanny's house as my Pa drew a layout for a project that never happened.) It was perfect, designed to suit both my personality and my career choice, and I have dreamed of that house for a long time. It's changed over the years, just a bit; for instance extra things were added when the person I wanted to share my home with made suggestions. That house, sitting on five or more acres of the best land I could buy, is where my roots would be. The life I want to lead isn't exactly simple. I want to do something big. I want to save the world. I want to be able help children in need and stop the evils of abuse and child trafficking; I want to make a difference in this world. I want to fight crime, put the bad guy behind bars, and change the world. I want to spread my wings, and I want to fly.The path I want to follow is not one that lends itself to settling down, and even if I wanted to settle down, now is definitely not the time. I predict long hours ahead of me, and sleepless nights. I can see the difficulties that my life will bring. I can see a little shoebox apartment, just a bit bigger than the current Shoebox I live in, one bedroom, and maybe a little dog. Nothing fancy, just place to rest my head.

I didn't want to marry Jake and settle down. The reason I wanted to marry him was because I love him, and I wanted to share my life with him. He was partner, my best friend, and the best thing to ever happened to me. It wasn't that I wanted to settle down; there is still too much life to live and too much to be done. I wanted to share my adventures with him, to have him by my side. It was never about settling down; it was about the fact that no one matched me the way he did. I'm hard to handle, mostly because I'm stubborn, willful, sarcastic, hard headed, full of fire and sparks and insanity, sometimes moody, almost always snarky, goofy, and all around a mess. This means that if you are going to be my partner, you have to be prepared to deal with that. There are very few men that I have met in my life who have been able to handle me. I was surprised that Jake could, but he did. Being with Jake and possibly marrying him wasn't ever about being settled down. It was about having a companion to have adventures with, someone who knew me, someone I love. I don't need a man in my life, but I chose to allow Jake in because I care about him and love him. Now he walked out, decided I wasn't the woman he wanted, and I can get by alone. I just don't want to live without him. If I must, I will go on, but I'd like to have the chance to get back what I lost. I have roots and wings, but I have no companion.

So this morning my alarm clock was somehow set an hour fast. That means this morning I woke up at 6:45 instead of 7:45 (not so bad except that I couldn't sleep last night for reasons I'll discuss below), I ate breakfast too early and was starving halfway through Criminal Law, and I left the apartment at 7:40 instead of 8:40 panicking because I though I only had twenty minutes to get to the parking lot, get up the hill to the law school, drop my books off at my locker and get to Basic Legal Skills. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was no one there, and I grabbed my phone thinking they had canceled class and I hadn't checked. That was when I discovered that it was really only 7:49, I wasn't late, and that because of this I had time to run back to the apartment and pick up some things I forgot.

I try very hard to be zen about life and what it throws at me. I try not to stress so much about the things I can't change. But lately, its been getting harder. As Jake's graduation get closer and closer, the future issues become more and more real. Jake will go to law school, and I'm confident that he will get into one of the places where he wants to go. Those places don't really include L-ville, KY. I want him to go where he needs to be, and I want him to go where he will be happy. But it will kill me to know what that will mean. Its not a pleasant thought, the future as it stands. To be honest, I really dread the prospect of three years without seeing each other. We'd be lucky to even do holidays with our families at Christmas time. The problem with these feelings is that I have a bad habit of letting them escape at just the wrong moment. Like last night when Jacob called: We are talking about nothing in particular and he brings up his law school stuff and because I don't want to blurt out anything inappropriate, I get all quiet and what not. After we hang up, my mind begins to race and I think that maybe I should remind Jake that I am happy for him even though I get all weird on him. Well, that sort of exploded, and there we were texting in the middle of the night when normal people who have law school classes at 9AM the next day but no actual homework at the moment should be asleep. When this happens, it usually means that I get all stupid and text long messages while sitting in my apartment either crying or fuming about the situation. This time I was crying. It was ugly. And as usual, what I call my "Girlfriend Guilt"  kicked in and I couldn't sleep. The "Girlfriend Guilt" is this feeling I get when I get overly emotional and feel like I've been a crappy girlfriend for putting Jake through it.  The truth is that I really shouldn't do that to him. I know how much pressure he's under right now, and I know how hard it is to be applying for law school, doing Mock Trial, and taking difficult classes. Its not fair of me to add my emotional crap on top of that. I'm going to do my level best to stop doing that to him. I love him too much to be stupid enough to make life difficult.

I know I should focus on what time we do have to spend together, which is already fairly limited. I want to make the most of it, but its really hard to do when you get a date or lunch meeting or random hello every three weeks or more. There are only so many we can do on a Friday or Saturday night in the Boro. We've gone bowling more times than I can count, and that's fun. We've seen plenty of movies (I keep the ticket stubs cause I'm freak), and that's also fun. But I'm a memories kind of girl, and I want desperately to have some memories to look back on someday. I want memories of my life with the man I love. I don't want to look like back and say "those were the years when all we got were text messages and phone calls." I don't to look back and have to say "those were the years when we never saw each other." I want a little romance, which seems a bit pathetic but whatever. I don't how we're gonna make those memories, but I want to make them and will. You see, I'm a fighter, always have been. I know what I want, and I'm gonna have it. I just predict that my camera is about to see a lot of action.

I am back in the Shoebox, warming up and finishing the last of my homework for tomorrow. Like I mentioned last entry, I went on the church retreat in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge with Jake and the young adult group from his church. Have you ever felt like your spirit, your heart, your mind, and (yes this sounds cheesy) your soul has been sort of recharged, revived, and renewed? Well coming back from that retreat that's sort of how I feel.

Friday night we arrived at the cabin, after a hilarious trip up to the mountains; we went through Maryville, which looked like a low rent version of Woodbury, TN, passed a really seedy looking place (it was obviously some sort of strip club) that looked to have a $1 an hour motel attached, and went through an area where we could swear we were hearing banjo music (Deliverance style). The parking situation wasn't pleasant, but we made do; of course we hadn't eaten, so we went to TGIFriday's for a late dinner with another couple. It was fun to go out and chat with another couple. We played a little air hockey and relaxed. Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast, and then the morning devotional. The topic was Today, as in living for Today; I found myself recalling the fact that I am really bad about regrets at times. I get hung up in the past, and I fail to live for Today. There is so much good happening right now, and I know that if I'm not paying attention I will miss it. I have a good life; I have a great family, a future, and the most wonderful man in my life. During the day, Jacob and I went with two other couples and a friend of his to Gatlinburg where we just sort of browsed for the day. It was nice to just wander around and have nothing to do. There were some people doing the Free Hug thing, which Jake was creeped out by, but other than that it was a nice relaxing trip.

That evening Jake and I snuggled on the couch, and I sort of half watched the Cardinals/Saints game, since it was on in the main sitting area. I really didn't care what was on the television at that point so long as Jacob ad I could stay where we were on the couch. Saturday night's devotional type thing was about Forgiveness, which brings me to the title of the entry. I tend to have trouble forgiving myself for my past mistakes; I will spend quite some time beating myself up over things that I can't change. This is also part of that whole living for today bit. I've also been holding on to a touch of bitterness from that old heartbreak from almost a year and a half ago, and I really shouldn't. Part of me sometimes wishes that the ex finds himself realizing that he's missed out; part of me wishes that he had just a little bit of regret for leaving me. But, as we sat watching House on TV and I absently played with Jake's hair, I got to thinking. I really don't have to keep being angry and bitter about the old wounds; they've mostly healed up, and I've got this fantastic man in my life who treats me better than I could ever ask and loves me. And if I just let go, I will be able to live, to really live. I can let it go and wish the ex well, because I can move on with my life. I've got a whole lot to look forward to now.

It was great weekend, something I really needed. It was great to spend some time just relaxing, and it was pretty cool to sort of live in the same house with Jake. The mountains were beautiful, the lessons were powerful, and it was just the sort of recharging, reviving, and renewing that I needed. There was something great about the singing this weekend, too. There is nothin' quite like listening to Jake sing, and I was sitting next to him; he's got a great voice, and it sort of reaches you at times. To sing with him is amazing. There was something about adding my voice to the other voices lifted to sing to and for God that was really powerful. Music has always spoken to me, and I guess it always will. C.S. Lewis wrote about the Deep Magic in his Chronicles of Narnia, which anyone who really knows their C.S. Lewis, and most people with any brains at all, knows is a series about Christianity and Jesus and faith. The Deep Magic is part of what connects Narnia's inhabitants to each other in the same way that faith and a common love and belief in God and Jesus connects Christians. I think that part of what rings for me is that when we were singing, you could feel that connection, that Deep Magic so to speak. I don't have a great voice, but I do love to sing; there was something amazing about singing those songs with Jake and the rest of the group.

This particular line we sang hit me. "Lord you know just where I've been so light the fire in my heart again". I was in desperate need of recharge, not only in mind and body, but in spirit. And this weekend helped with that. Sunday morning there was a time where we all sat in silence and if anyone had anything to say to the group, they could. I don't know how it happened, but I just suddenly felt the need to say how grateful I was to be there. And as sort of lame as it was, I cried. I couldn't help it; all of a sudden it was just there and I felt like I had to speak up in a way I hadn't before, at least in front of those people. There is something to be said about being completely recharged all over, body, mind, heart, and spirit. Sometimes things just happen, and I know they happen for a reason. I was meant to love and lose the ex because I was meant to hurt enough for my eyes to open. I was meant to find my way to where I am now. There is a reason that I'm not with the first boy I ever loved. I was supposed to meet Jake, I was supposed to love him, and I am suppose to be with him. I prayed a lot for God to show me the way, and then like a typical blind human being, I wasn't paying attention. I'm paying attention now.

In August of 2008, I was dating the ex and playing havok in an unhealthy way trying to manage a relationship that was spiraling southward. It was not an easy month, and it didn't help that it was the first month of my last year in undergrad. I was working my way to becoming a college graduate and the nerves got to me. So did the prospect of law school applications. It was that same month that Jake walked into my life. Oddly enough, he was in all my classes that semester except my English ones. He was even in mock trial, which is my domain and always will be. We talked, a lot, and despite the fact that I am usually less than approachable and friendly when it comes to new people, we became really good friends. We had a lot in common, and not just our accents. Sure enough, Jacob became one of my closer friends, and I discovered that it was a lot easier than I thought it would be to talk to him. What I didn't discover was that he wanted to be more than friends.

In September of 2008, the week after I turned 21 to be exact, I was betrayed. The ex had cheated, or maybe he'd just not gotten around to telling me that our three year relationship that was supposed to eventually become a marraige was actually over. Either way, Nic was single, but she was not really available. I did a lot of crying, and I did a lot of asking God for help, and I did a lot of hating the male species. I was sullen and unpleasant. People noticed that I wasn't exactly myself, but I clung to my misery and pretty much wallowed. It was not an attractive period for me. Jacob was there for me, and he listened as I held out hope for something to change and whined and dragged him along as I walked down memory lane. Knowing now that he wanted more than friendship, Jake's listening to me and being there for me is almost noble. I know that it could not be easy to listen to someone you want to date go on and on about the guy that broke her heart.

In October of 2008 Nic got her groove back. I have always been a flirt, and the unpleasantness had sort of diminished that in me. But then I somehow managed to revive, and I also became less dense. Perhaps it was that brick wall I started building around my broken heart, but it took me until October to pick up on the fact Jacob liked me. I flirted, mainly because it's what I do, and I started to think that maybe, as crazy as it seemed at the time, I was developing an attraction to him.  It took until close to the end of the month for him to ask me out. But he did, and I said yes, despite me reservations. We started simple, just dinner, and it was fun. We talked a lot, and we still do. Thus began Jake and Nic, and it has been a fun adventure that kept going.

By May of 2009 we'd been on too many dates to count, and we'd become closer than I thought I'd get to anyone again. I started to wonder if there could be more to my feelings than the whole "I find this guy attractive and spending time with him is nice..." And guess what! There was. I was falling for him, even though I was digging in my heels and resisting because I am damaged goods. Turns out though, Jacob is pretty awesome with the super glue/glue gun/duct tape(because if you can't fix it with duct tape or a bandaid, well then you should probably just give up), and he managed to repair my broken shattered heart. And as I was getting ready to head into the house after the mock trial awards banquet, he said those three little words. "I love you", and I found out that I could say them too and mean them with all my heart. Apparently, its now noticeable that we are in love, which is cool, and Jake and I are planning our future.

That brings us to today, October 29, 2009. It's been a year, and it's been a great one. Here's looking forward to many more years of love and happiness and craziness in this adventure we call life.

So yesterday, right as Civil Procedure (also known as the devil's playground) was about to start, I get a text from Jake; we'd been talking through lunch, but normally the texts stop for a little while after that. The timing, however, does not matter. This is how the conversation went:

J: I know you aren't crazy about memphis sweetheart but I think we need to look into it. (bolding by me)
N: Why?
J: Are you still wantin to do child advocacy?
N: It's on the list
J: They've got a big program apparently in child and family law. And they offer a joint j.d./m.a. in political science.

 ----Some time later----

N: Do you you seriously think we should consider memphis as an option.
J: I think we have to. (Bolding by me)

Why is this simple conversation so blogworthy? Well some time after my last text, Jake calls, and we continue to discuss the Memphis option. It involved various important aspects like ensuring that we both get into the school and where, if we were to go there, we would be living. There was a lot of "we" talk in that discussion, including where we would definitely not be living. Funny thing is, it's been a long time since  I could discusss any sort of future or current situation involving a "we" without crying my eyes out (due to crappy exes) or getting frustrated (due to crappy set backs). But yesterday, as I was lounging on my couch and watching Criminal Minds or maybe it was Stripes, I don't remember, it hit me: Jacob and I were discussing the "we" factor. It's no longer simply Jacob's future or Nic's future; it's our future, and I like it that way. There have been other "we" factor discussions, like "How are we doing holidays this year?" But this is a bit different. Making a decision to arrange it so that we are in the same law school in an effort to arrange it so that we can get married is another story all together. And yes, readers, we have been contemplating getting married. Actually, that's been a thing of discussion for a few months.

There is something special about the "we" factor; I'd like to think that I'm not incredibly selfish and whatnot, but I do know that for a long time my primary focus has always been where I will be in the future, what I want to do with my life, and things of that nature. I think that is normal, so don't think I am saying it's not. When you are single, or simply dating and not thinking about that couple's future, then you are primarily concerned with your own future, and not how it relates to other people. But then if you meet someone you fall in love with and decide that you want a future with them you have to consider the "we" factor. I'm not talking about a cease in your independence (the feminist side of me rages against that sort of thing) or rearranging your entire life around one person; I'm talking about taking into consideration how you want your future with someone to go. There is a difference between "Where are we going to go for dinner on date night?" and "Where are we going to law school and where will we live while we are there?" The "we" factor excites me because it's like the beginning of a new chapter in my life (and it's not a crappy rewrite of the last time I tried; I ripped those pages up and tossed them, metaphorically speaking).You'll have to forgive the crazy book type references, but hey, I warned you that I was a bibliophile.

The "we" factor doesn't mean that I will no longer be Nic and that he will no longer by Jacob; instead it means that I will be Nic with a side order of Jacob (so that may be the best way for my to describe it). Of course that would mean that he will be Jacob with a side order of Nic. Or maybe it's like when you go to a restaraunt and get two entrees instead of an entree and sides. Nic and Jake are like the main dishes at the meal. I'm rambling a bit because the crazy is taking over. My point is that I'm not giving up my identity, and he is not giving up his. We are simply being ourselves together. I'm excited about it really. (have I said that?)  I love him and the "we" factor just cements that.