Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Don’t you just hate it when you find a brand of clothing that just fits perfectly, only to have it discontinued? I have been wearing Arizona jeans for years, mostly because they are inexpensive while still looking nice. Well it appears that will no longer be the case. If they stop making shirts, shorts, and skirts, I’ll really be in trouble. Most of my wardrobe is Arizona, which is probably not a good thing, and I only own a few nice long sleeves shirts and sweaters. I have no clothes for warmer weather. I have two nice tank tops and three nice short sleeve t-shirt type shirts; I have no shorts, and no nice tops. Meanwhile I think I own one skirt, a short white eyelet number I bought while dating Jake because I wanted to be a girl for a change. I’m not even sure that the skirt will still fit me, and in any case, my thighs are so fat and my legs so pale that I highly doubt that I will be able to wear it ever again. Besides, I have no reason to dress all girl again at the moment.

I mentioned the fact that Arizona may be discontinued. Well, this leads to any number of problems, one of which is the fact that I have had to seek other brands for jeans. I went two Saturdays ago on a hunt for jeans, and I wound up with Levis. That is not the point of this entry. The point is that I had a minor breakdown over my body in the middle of Dillards because I felt fat and ugly. Let’s put it this way; I hate having to hear the words ‘we don’t have that in your size’ or any variation of that sentence. It never means that everything is too big. All my life I’ve dealt with it. I’ve put on a brave face and pretended it didn’t bother me for a long time. But lately my body image issues have been so terrible that putting on a brave face doesn’t exactly work for me. Sometimes I just can’t. Two sales girls asked us if we found everything alright, and I lied and said yes, even though I wasn’t having an easy time finding pants in my size at all. My grandmother was with us, and of course she tells the girls no that I’m having trouble ‘finding jeans to fit me’. From there it was go go gadget emotional breakdown, and I exited the store through the nearest door to avoid sobbing in the middle of the juniors department.

Here’s the deal, clothes for women my age, early to mid twenties, are generally one of two things: expensive or cut too small for me. I’m a curvy woman with wide hips, a big butt, and a decent bust line. I’m also built tall and long, meaning that everything is too short. I have to buy jeans labeled ‘long’ and unless I flatten my stomach shirts are impossible because my torso is long too. I have broad big shoulders and a wide rib cage, which makes me feel like I’m built like a man most of the time. I don’t feel pretty, and I’ve never felt pretty. It isn’t fair, but it’s what I deal with daily. I want to dress in something other than t-shirts and jeans, but it’s very difficult when clothes are cut narrow and short. My wardrobe staples are jeans, t-shirts with either sponsors for the race cars or my nerdy vintage green lantern t-shirts, and tennis shoes. None of that is remotely feminine or sexy at all.

I started to want to look more feminine when I was maybe a junior in high school, but I’d always been a tomboy. I love clothes and I love doing my nails now, but when I was thirteen and fourteen, all I cared about was four wheelers, horses, and the great outdoors. I didn’t know how to balance it, and I still really don’t. Suddenly I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted boys to like me and think I was pretty. But most of all, I wanted to feel like I belonged. By the time I was in college I was completely on my own again. My boyfriend lived in another state, and I was scrambling to make friends. I had no reason to dress up other than for mock trial, and that only required a black suit and heels.  When my boyfriend returned I wanted to be pretty again, remind him of why he started dating me, but I wasn’t very good at it. I’m still not good at it.

I’ve improved some I suppose. I know how to put on eyeliner and make up, and I know what does and does not flatter me. I like to paint my nails, and I don’t mess them up as much. But I still feel unattractive most days, and I feel like my clothes make me look even worse.

The ugly honest truth is that from a young age women are taught to be at war with our bodies; we are taught to hate their appearance and to want to be prettier, thinner, and more perfect. We are bombarded with images of rail thin women, shamed for being overweight, and told that feeling fat or unhappy about our appearance is a silly problem that can simply be handled by eating less and working out, even if it isn’t that simple. If we don’t conform to a certain image we are often shamed and mocked. Worse than that, we are taught to judge other women by their appearance; we are taught to hate those prettier than us, seeing them as competition, and mock those who do not conform to the predetermined and predefined concept of attractiveness. It makes for difficult for women to form relationships with each other, and it’s a recipe for eating disorders and self esteem issues.

It’s something I struggle with constantly; I am nearly twenty-five, and I have severe body image issues. I’ve had them since I was perhaps sixteen, and they’ve gotten progressively worse. They can be absolutely crippling, and there are days when I can’t stop myself from crying for hours; I have trouble looking in the mirror, and I rush to get dressed so that I don’t look at my reflection. I’ve had days when I’ve fallen apart because of my weight, and nights when I’ve cried myself to sleep. It’s exhausting, and the longer it goes on, the worse I feel. The sad thing is that society sets us up to feel dreadful about ourselves, and instead of fighting it we fall in line. It’s hard to fight back, especially when you feel worse everyday.

It’s easy for people to crack jokes and say it’s a ‘first world problem’ to feel fat and ugly and want to hide your body because you hate it so much. Especially when they don’t feel that way every day. It makes it hard to go about your life when you can’t stand to see your own reflection. I don’t want to look in the mirror or get dressed because I don’t want to see my body. I wear giant hoodies that three sizes too big so that you can’t see how big I am, and I literally cry myself to sleep some nights because I’m so afraid I will never be pretty enough and that I will always be too fat and too ugly to be wanted. And then you hear or read things where people say that you’re being too sensitive about your size or a fat joke or that you’re just upset because you’re not skinny enough to wear something made for someone so much smaller than you as if that means you’re just jealous and that you should just eat less and stop being a fat ass.

Hating your own reflection is like carrying around a massive weight on your shoulders, and everyday it gets heavier until you collapse under the pressure. That is the ugly honest truth. I wake up in the morning and when I look in the mirror all I can see are the flaws. I see fat and stretch marks that will never go away; I can’t see anything else, and it breaks me a little more every day. I have never felt pretty, never felt beautiful, not once, and I'm exhausted. I’m so sick of being fat; I’m so sick of hating my reflection and never feeling pretty enough. Anytime I lose weight, I just gain it back and then some. I can never wear cute clothes.  I’m sick of my reflection making me cry; I’m sick of finding new stretch marks on my thighs and stomach every day or seeing them get worse. I look like I’ve been pregnant or something, and those things may never go away. I’m fat, and I have ugly marks all over my body. And this is what I deal with on a daily basis.

Vain and Gratuitous Picture to update you on my appearance (edited in photoshop out of boredom)

But the problem with a blog when you have no life is that you have nothing to write about. Most of the time my life consists of playing in Photoshop, occasionally writing on novels that may never be finished, tons of reading, and cooking (lots and lots of cooking). Just a reminder, I talk about my culinary adventures at A Taste of Joy, and I promise to update that blog more often. In fact, my goal is to blog more from now on, and hopefully I can manage that.

Before I start with the updates on what little has transpired in the life of Nic, let me begin by saying that this blog will hopefully become a lot more interesting. I’m not going to be blogging about major political issues or anything like that, though I may talk about important issues that have been on my mind a lot, but I am going to hopefully talk more about life as I experience it. This includes blogging about the books I read, the movies I see, things I see, and things that happen in my life. Whether or not that will be interesting or worth reading is yet to be determined, but writing used to be a great outlet for me; I intend to let it be that again. So on with the blogging.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing a lot of reading, and you can find my Goodreads updates both on my sidebar and by visiting my account. I’m open to book recommendations and friends there. I plan to blog more about my literary adventures, including reviews of sorts of the books I’m reading.

Currently I am halfway through a re-read of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones so that I can move on to reading A Clash of Kings, and it’s one of those books that is so dense and rich that reading it a second time gives you more to love. Let me take a moment to talk about this book in general, without giving away too much, and then when I’ve finished I will write an actual review.

Martin’s writing style is very heavy, and he tends to be very wordy; however, for me that is not a deterrent so long as the story continues to move forward at a decent pace, which for the most part he does. He has a sort of Joss Whedon wickedness about him, in that you will fall in love with characters only to have them viciously taken from you via death. But his characters are deliciously human, and even the villains are realistic. I absolutely love that there are characters to love, characters you’ll love to hate, and characters you find yourself cheering for despite misgiving. The story rotates through their various points of view, which can be very daunting, and some of his chosen narrators leave a lot to be desired (I’m looking at you Sansa Stark, you little simpering whiner); however, each narrator weaves a brilliant portion of the overall tapestry, bringing their subplots and motivations.

The world is richly developed, and while there are underlying elements of high fantasy (dragons, direwolves, magic, and the mysterious Others), the fantasy aspect is cleverly worked into the overall story without bombarding the reader. It is not a book for the squeamish or those uncomfortable with sex, violence, and death, but I highly recommend it for fantasy lovers who want something thick and detailed to feed a need for heroes and villains.
Other books I’m reading:

• Eona by Allison Goodman
• Brisingr by Christopher Paolini
• Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey

The only update I have for now is that I have two mapped out but unfinished barely started novels. One is a futuristic dystopian work called NeverWonder and the other is a historical fantasy work that has yet to be named.

Guess who’s size thirteen jeans are getting to big? Ok, so I guess that sounds like a ridiculous thing to brag about, but for me the fact that my jeans are too big and that I needed to get a tighter belt is a huge victory. I hadn’t been paying much attention to my progress, mainly because I haven’t had time or really been out in public worried about my appearance. Too busy with the remodel and website to care. However, I’m pleased to report that I am approximately one third of the way to my weight loss goal. I’ve lost thirty to thirty-five pounds, which only leaves me with about fifty to lose! I know that sounds like a tiny amount to brag about considering how much I need to lose, but I’m so excited by the fact that I’m making any progress at all.

I’ve taught myself to eat healthier and pay more attention to portion control; this means that I can eat less and still be full! To be honest, my dietary habits were pretty atrocious before, and a great deal of that has to do with the fact that as little kid my family sort of let me eat whatever I wanted. Part of being Southern is the idea that we bond over food; I tend to blame it on the scarcity that came from the War Between the States (That’s Rebel for Civil War). This leads to the fact that people expect me to eat a great deal more than I do now; I used to eat piles of food, and I’m pretty sure only my metabolism and active childhood kept me from becoming dangerously overweight. This fact brings me to my point.

It’s difficult for me to maintain my healthy diet and eating habits when I have my family breathing down my neck about me not eating enough. On more than one occasion it has been insinuated that I am starving myself to lose weight because I ate small portions, and suddenly people seem to notice when I refuse to eat things I don’t like because it makes my already small meals look smaller. Being constantly told that you don’t eat enough can be just as bad as being told that you eat too much. 

Fall has arrived, with weird hot and cold weather habits, and I am sitting here in my hoodie and jeans, sipping water, nibbling a nutrigrain bar, and listening to music. I realize that it has been well over two months since I last sat down at the laptop to write something for a post in this blog. I am ashamed. But I just haven't had much to write about really. Life has been boring and uneventful; all I've really done is some cleaning and work on applications for law school again. So here's watch you missed for the last two months:

The job market for law clerks and legal secretaries, which is pretty much the only reasonable paying job that a woman with a political science degree focused on pre-law and a year of law school under her belt is qualified for, is for crap. I know that is not an eloquent way to put it, but its the truth. I've called friends, family members, my doctor who has a whole family of lawyers, friends of my parents, and no one can afford to hire me. I've got a great resume (minus the lack of work experience), but I keep hearing the same thing over and over. My academics (minus last year) and extracurricular activities and skills make me marketable, but the economy makes me expensive apparently. Stupid economy, stupid job market, stupid times, my friends. So I am still jobless, despite all my attempts.

I am learning to code, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be. A lot of it is memorizing tags and where they belong, then common sense and trial and error to move and place things. Why am I doing this? Well, I got volunteered to build a website for my uncle's business, and, because it's family and there was a promise of a little fundage, I spent some of my amazon gift card money on two books on html and css. Becoming a code monkey, that's what I'm doing. I also got photoshop and illustrator, and I am attempting to learn to use them to make graphics. If anything I have managed to make something useful out of my free time.

I do believe that I have lost an inch or two in my hips because my size 13 jeans are just a bit droopy folks. My calves, oh my calves are a beautiful thing. They are tight and tones and strong. However, my midsection is still stubbornly refusing to shrink. (Well maybe it is and I just don't notice because I am angry with it for being so ridiculously chubby and slow to shape up) But I'm trying to be patient. As you know, patience in not and has never been one of my strong points. I am practicing portion control, and that's not easy. It is getting better because when I don't over eat I feel better and I'm getting to the point where I don't have to eat as much to be full. I am walking as often as possible, and jogging when I can. Lately the weather has been uncooperative and I've been kind of sick (weather change + Nic's allergies= no fun) But I am trying to get back on track.

After discovering the ridiculous amount of clutter stifling me in my little bedroom at Casa de 'Rents, I went on a cleaning spree. You see, we are finally going to begin the much anticipated remodel of the house, and its going to dominate my time. Walls are being repaired and painted, new wood flooring (no more carpet), new flooring in the bathrooms, new appliances and cabinets in the kitchen, and we are finally going to get the washer and dryer out of the kitchen area. That is all going to begin very soon, in fact, it will begin as soon as the small loan is processed, and that knowledge got me to thinking about my room, which was still full of boxes from my move back from L-Ville. I cleaned the room and started putting books away again, which is when I discovered that it was clear that my granddaddy had not anticipated the fact that I would be such a massive bibliophile when he built my bookshelf once upon a time. I had to actually redo the entire thing and store some books I never read, just to make room.

The only problem is that I will have to pack it all up again once I move out next year (Good Lord willing, I get into law school again). Which brings me to my final point. I am applying to only schools in TN, and hopefully I will get into the one in Nash-vegas so that I can either get into an apartment in the Boro or Nash-vegas instead of moving to Knox-vegas or Memphis; if this happens where ever I move will more than likely become a permanent residence for awhile, allowing me to stop being a nomad and settle into my own place. When this happens, I will get awesome cooking supplies, and I plan to start a cooking blog. I will still keep this one for personal blogging, but I will also run a blog devoted to my cooking adventures. Speaking of cooking, I think I am going to go have some fabulous tomato soup, now, out of a can of course.

Note from Nic: This blog is getting a fresh new look ASAP. It may stay black and white, but a new background and banner should be coming soon.

I am not the kind of woman who can just say "I'm going to lose this weight and lose these inches", and it just happen for me like magic. I don't have the metabolism and what not for that to be possible. I also get frustrated and discouraged about my body too easily. (I know, I know, but Nic you are always so fiercely defensive about being strong and confident.) So instead I have to work at it, a lot. I have to make myself exercise everyday; I don't have the luxury of saying "I don't feel like running today or going for a walk or lifting weights" and then picking it up the next day like I didn't cop out. I also have to motivate myself, especially because I am so impatient and easily discouraged. I have to set goals and really work to achieve them.

On a side note, among the things that do not motivate me: Bali Fitness commercials and the idea of going to the gym. Here's the deal, I honestly have a problem with body image. Not an extreme problem that causes me serious issues, but a problem. I do not like to go work out in public because every time I've gone to a gym or even a public work out area on a campus, I wind up surrounded by these trim, skinny women, and well, I get all uncomfortable. The idea that I am this huge fat pig sweating next to all these healthy, trim women, makes me feel disgusting, and I feel like I'm being stared at. I know that it's not the case, and I know that these other women probably have to work out and eat right just as much as I do to look like that. But the fact remains, I feel awkward and unpleasant. Bali Fitness Center commercials remind me of this problem, and thus, they also fail to motivate me. It's a flaw, and I'm working on it.

Back on track, I am working to motivate myself, and I do it mostly by setting goals and tracking my progress. I bought these little foil stars a long time ago for some stupid project, and I've still got a ton of them. The stars come in five colors: red, silver, blue, green and gold. I've got a calendar that hangs on my wall by my bed. These two things add up to part of my tracking system. I put a green star on days when I when I get out and either go for a run in the neighborhood or walk the neighborhood. I put a blue star on days when I also lift weights. There are silver stars when I increase my workout in some way, like walking or running a bit farther than usual. Gold stars are for days when I meet a goal.

So here are my current goals:

• Lose fifteen to twenty pounds total by my birthday. That should equate to losing at least a pants/dress size.
• Lose thirty to thirty-five pounds total by October. That should get me down at least two or three pants/dress sizes
• Lose the forty to fifty pounds total that I need to lose to be down to a healthy weight for my height and bone structure by the end of the year.

Well ladies and gentlemen of my readership, what few you are, today is the day I stop procrastinating and start getting healthy. I know I've said it a thousand times, but this time I mean it. This time it's become a neccessity, and it's going to be a priority. I know that this seems melodramatic, but my dear readers, I have had it with hating my reflection. Once upon a time I was merely out of shape, now I am down right fat. I am angry and disappointed in myself for ever letting it get this far. The time had come to stop letting my hips, waist, butt, and thighs expand. I am 22 almost 23 years old for heaven’s sake. There is no excuse for me looking like this. None at all. So I'm going to set some rules, just some basic things for me to remember.

Rule One: No more excuses for not working out or doing some sort of exercise. No more of this it's too hot outside to go for a run or a walk. Even if I'm cramping so badly that I want to cry, I will do some sort of exercise.

Rule Two: No more of this nuerotic obsession with certain parts of my body. I'm going to think of this not as "Holy mother, I need to shrink my huge thighs and chubby stomach", but instead I will think of this as I need to trim down all over and get healthy. I know that I need to lose wait, but instead of focusing on OMG FATNESS, I'm going to focus on getting into shape.

Rule Three: No more being a snack/treat nazi to myself. Instead of swearing off all sweets and all snacks (which only makes me run out and binge when I get the chance), I'm going to think of it as a reward. I worked out and got something done today, so I can have a piece of cake or a cookie or a candy. As for snacks, I will have a snack between dinner and supper, but only then, instead of saying no snacks ever.

Rule Four: I will only measure my waist, hips, and chest once every two weeks. I will not focus simply pounds lost, but rather on inches lost. This is not just about losing fat; it's about rebuilding muscle. I will measure success by dropping pants, dress, and shirt sizes, and not just on dropping 30 plus pounds.

Last post I talked about making progress, well yesterday while working out I did some thinking. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I was thinking about how things have gone in my life, especially my size and body image. It's been a different sort of progression for me because honestly I would've thought that by now I would be more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was in the middle school years, though I went to a K-8 school, I was fairly comfortable. I was a tall girl, which isn't a great thing, but I was also sort of slim, but not skinny. My main issues were that I had scars, wore glasses, didn't have the coolest clothes, and that my parents wouldn't allow me to wear make up or shave my legs. I was not concerned with my weight, nor was anyone else considering that I played sports and was an active kid. I managed to get through those years without much concern really, even though I had friends who were on diets their doctors had put them on and who had eating issues in a way that I did not. I mentioned once or twice wanting to lose weight, simply because I had friends who were trying to do it, but in reality, as long as I kept playing sports, I could eat what I wanted and not get much bigger. And this continued for me up into my freshman year of high school. By the end of my freshman year I was still not concerned about my body image, other than my hair and skin really, and I had shot up nearly 6 inches and gained 15 pounds or so. Everything sort of evened out on my body because I was so tall. But that year was the last time I was required to take gym and life got too busy for me to keep up with sports and things.

My sophomore year I joined the theater kids, and the phrase "I can't I have rehearsal" became a huge part of my vocabulary. Slowly but surely I started to gain weight, and being so busy I just sort of ignored the fact. But then junior year rolled around and I was a "Drama II" which meant I was part of the primary acting company, so to speak. It meant that I did a lot more and had a lot more rehearsal because the Drama IIs were more than just extras in the shows. It also meant that I had to change in the dressing rooms on a regular basis, and it was becoming fairly obvious to me that I was not small at all. I began to dread changing costumes among my fellow women. I felt like a huge blimp around them, and that continued into my senior year of high school, when I dreaded prom dress shopping to some extent because I knew how hard it would be. Eventually though I did accept that I was not going be small ever again because I was built wide and tall, and that it was in my genes; I would only ever be able to be fit and curvy.

College hit, and I did in fact gain the horrifying freshman 15. It sort of happened when I wasn't looking. But in the process, I joined mock trial and was once again faced with the knowledge that I was surrounded by these sort of small girls. I found myself feeling awkward around them because they were all cute and little and I was big and gawky and gross. There came a time when I had a coach pull me aside and took me into his office and implied that next to my small, slender female co-counsel I was huge; I have never forgotten that, though I'm sure that he has, and it changed the way I saw myself in the court room. I felt like a massive vulture in my black suit and heels looming in the court room. I was always bigger than my fellow female attorneys, and while it shouldn't have mattered, it did. I kept it to myself, but it bothered me to know that I was the huge one. I felt like I would always be the fat and ugly attorney at the table, and it was crazy. I was definitely not the good looking attorney.

That brings me to where I am now. I am a 22 year old law student who is 5 foot 6 inches tall and way heavier than she would like to be. I am still not quite comfortable in my own skin; I get sort of unsettled when I notice people looking at me while I'm working out. But I'm getting a bit better. I have days when I feel great, especially after a really good work out. I may never be a size 2, but I will never be that 19 year old girl in her coach's office being told that she looks huge next to her co-counsel again.

I've made progress dear readers. Last week I walked to and from class every day, including the day of my exam, and it is a half mile walk one way. I am proud to say that it did not leave me as winded and tired as it did the first time I did it, several weeks ago. I've found that I actually want to go work out, which may seem strange, but its the truth. I look forward to whatever the workout of the day is, no matter if it's going to be a long one or a short one. I've noticed that I can see a difference in the definition of my calf muscles, which is something I could never do before, not even when I was in high school. I've also discovered my favorite, run around the apartment shorts, which are a pair of gym shorts like I used to wear in high school, fit looser around my thighs than they used to. I also can only wear some of my older pants if they have been drastically shrunk in the dryer on hot three or four times. If I can keep this up I will meet my goal for November, and then be able to meet my overall goal by this summer. I know that it will not be easy to be all trim and stuff by this summer, but if I can keep going to the gym and eating fairly decently I will be able to do it. I do know that I will never be the kind of woman who can stop exercising and eating right and not gain back the weight she's lost, but once I've lost it I will feel better about keeping my routine because I will know that it works. Currently I'm still struggling with my stomach, but I think my face has thinned some and I'm pretty sure my body is finally getting the message that it isn't supposed to be as fat as it is.

Last Monday I turned in the Closed Memo, which offered me some relief. But then we were assigned the Open Memo, which is longer and involves doing our own research; I'm going to be starting my research for it tomorrow at lunch. Let the fun begin. Last Friday was my first ever law school exam; I sat for my Legal Research final exam. It went well, and that's about all I will say about it. The first rule of law school is that we don't talk about exams or grades. The plan is to be all caught up with my outlines and notes by the end of the week. I fell a little behind trying to work on the memo and study for the exam, so I'm going to finish up my practice problems for Property and then do outlines tonight. I want to be all caught up by the weekend since Jacob and I plan to go out.

October has come at last and with it fall weather. I love this season because the air is crisp, the weather is clear, and in general it is just beautiful. I will probably break out the camera and take a thousand and one pictures of the leaves changing and things like that. At the moment I am sitting in my apartment, contemplating making some coffee, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and working on my memo, which is due bright and early in the morning. The good news is that the memo is in the final editing stages, and mostly the work is just checking and rechecking the grammar and spelling and citations. The bad news is that every time I think I'm done with it I find something else I feel needs to be changed or added to the thing. I think I may give it one maybe two more reviews and then I will just save it and close it. There is only so much that I can do to make it perfect. My eyes are tired, and my head is killing me. Now none of this has to do with fall, but I felt like saying it anyway. Back to the subject of the blog.

Like I said earlier, I love this season. I love fall clothes. I love light jackets and boots with light weight sweaters. I love being able to dress warm without having to bundle up in fifteen jackets and thick sweaters. Small problem here is that I seem to have worn out my fall wardrobe over the last year or two and need a new one. Too bad I don't like to buy clothes when I'm trying to lose weight. I love the crunch of leaves under my feet. I may be a little weird, but the fact that fall brings football is not one of the reasons that I adore this season. I've never been a football fan; I just have nIever been able to get into it, no matter how hard Jacob tries to get me to watch.  I do however love Halloween and bonfires and all the beauty that the season has to offer. Fall is the best time for bonfires and gatherings like that because it's not so hot and miserable sticky that you don't want to be outside, and it's not so teeth chattering cold that you can't stay out without freezing to death. It's also some of the best weather to be curled up with someone special, which is why being in law school by myself in fall can be a drag. There are nights and weekends when I am sitting alone in my apartment typing away at a brief or highlighting cases in my books when I would really like to be snuggling up with Jacob instead.

This season does present a small problem for me. Fall and winter are the two seasons when I always gain weight; I guess it's because I eat too much and get sort of lethargic and dormant. I find myself more tired and just moving much slower. They are the seasons of treats, pies, candies, and big family meals, and my family eats a lot. I am actually making 7 pounds of fudge to be wrapped in pretty tins to take to various Christmas gatherings. I was proud of myself because I have manage to avoid the Halloween candy two or three times now while shopping, which is pretty awesome; usually I buy a bag or two to hide for later. But during fall and winter holidays I tend to nibble a lot without paying much attention to what I am doing. I begin to get busy with work in the fall, especially with exams, and when Christmas vacation rolls around I am just so very very tired that I don't want to exercise or anything. That however has to change this year. I am working way too hard to gain all the poundage back. I am slowly shrinking in the proper places already, and I am not about get fatter.

In light of my upcoming appearance at the Mid-South Invitational at MTSU, I've decided to set myself a goal. I figure at least for the first round I judge I will wear a suit, and my old one looks pretty shabby. So I've decided that, since I will need one for interviews soon, I'm going to put back some money to buy a new one. But I don't want to buy a new one while I'm still sort of big, only to have to have it tailored or buy a new one because I've dropped a few sizes. That would be impractical. So I'm going to wait and get one in November, before the tournament.

New Goal: Drop 2 sizes by November 13th
New Plan: No more skipping workouts just cause I don't feel like hitting the gym; No more skipping Friday work outs unless I go home and no more skipping weekends (even if it means hitting the treadmill at the 'rents house); no more crappy eating habits due to classes and work

So like the title says I've set myself back, and that means that I am major disappointed in myself. I usual routine is to work out 3 or 4 times a week, depending on how busy I am; I've been working out Monday through Thursday, and I was making progress. Well, I didn't work out last weekend, and then yesterday I didn't feel good and was just not feeling into the idea of hitting the exercise bike. I've got to do something different, but my only other choice is the elliptical and at the moment that hurts my knees way too much. Well today I got on the bike and barely made my old time, much less my current time. I was hurting so bad that I had to quit. I was so frustrated that I was nearly in tears because I feel like I sabotaged myself and set myself back. It's hard enough for me to lose weight as it is; I don't need to make it any more difficult for myself. I'm kind of pissed at myself because today I treated myself to a Frosty at lunch, and I've been sort of crappy with my dieting, so I just made things worse. Also, Nic needs a good ab workout, other than just crunches because they don't seem to work very well. I'm trying a new idea from Jacob, but I'd like some others.

Woke up this morning to find that Jacob had emailed me a recording of him singing happy birthday; his voice tends to make me melt, and it was something special. Nice to hear the voice of someone you love when you live far from home.

Well I'm all moved into my new Bettie Johnson apartment, which is really nice even if its a little small. I unpacked as much as possible last night and did the last of my property for the week as well as my contracts, which will allow me to work on typing up my briefs and fleshing out my notes in those classes. There is going to be a workshop on outlining Thursday, and I've already planned ahead so that I could attend because I have no idea where to begin with that yet. I also wanted to get unpacked and caught up so that I could hit the gym in the new building when I got back from class today. Maybe I'm a freak, but I'm actually really excited about hitting the gym on a regular basis. Working out and getting healthy is part of my birthday present to myself. I bought work out clothes because I know I will feel better if I look better. It was an amazing work out, even if it was a short one. I did 30 minutes on an exercise cycle before my knee started to feel like someone stabbed it with a hot knife. Tomorrow I will definitely be shooting for longer and doing a little more stretching.

I feel pretty good actually, a touch sore in places but that is to be expected. Starting my workout today was an amazing and excellent birthday present. I turned 22 today, and I am taking control of my life in ways that I can. That means I am learning to manage my stress levels, eat healthy, and treat my body better. I'm setting goals that are reasonable instead stupid and dangerous. I am teaching myself to take the time to relax when I need to relax, and I'm working on managing my time better. If I can learn take control of the things I can control and let go of the things that are out of my hands, I can learn to live a healthier and happier life. And that's the plan.

Happy Birthday to Nic!

Week one of law school is over, officially. I have had at two classes of each of my courses, except for Legal Research, which had three, and I just finished my first piece of legal analysis, though I'm not quite sure that I did it right. Either way, I actually tried, and that is what matters since my professor is not grading these. I'm actually just proud that I got it done before tomorrow night since it's due Monday. That means I can print it off here instead on in the library. The week has gone pretty well, except that it's been super busy. That coupled with the fact that I'm pretty sure I was developing a sinus infection, which I pretty much killed with some over the counter medicine, it's been an adventure.

I tried to get my TV and DVD player hooked up, but it failed. Right now, when I am not swamped with briefs to write, I watch TV on Hulu, which I'm pretty sure is a gift from heaven. I managed to unpack everything and get it all put away. I kept the apartment rather clean with the exception of my bedroom, but even it isn't as bad as it could be. I cooked real meals for the most part, which is something I am very proud of to be honest. Other than my diet cokes and cookies, which I eat sparingly, I've managed to eat rather healthy. I can't really cook with much oil, so I bought light popcorn for the microwave, and I bought apples to snack on for the week. I also have apple juice and orange juice in my fridge, and I'm practically chugging water. While I haven't worked out my exercise issue yet (ha ha unintended pun), I am managing that whole eat healthier bit. There is a gym on campus, but I would have to carry gym stuff to work out there. Either way, I'm going to have to get some exercise and figure out how to get some sleep, otherwise I will just remain fat and tired.

I've been able to keep up with the reading and cases pretty well, and I am understanding almost everything very quickly. I'm not a fan of BLS, Legal Research, or Civ Pro, which are all pretty boring classes. BLS and Legal Research are important, or so they tell us, but they are mostly lecture and research/writing practice so it's pretty dull. Civ Pro is just boring and mostly a review of things I learned in undergrad. I really like torts, which has been straight forward and easy, and I'm pretty sure it is the most interesting class I will have all semester. Starting next Friday I will have to attend structured study groups almost every week, which I'm not sure will help me, so even after I don't have Legal Research I will be stuck at the law school.

Well having completed one assignment and only having maybe 7 or so cases to brief for Monday, I think I will call it a night.

I am sitting here in my little apartment, next to a huge stack of very expensive textbooks, officially a law student. Thursday was the last day of orientation for the 1L students, and I went to pick up my massive stack of books. My books were contained in two boxes, and they are huge. My four main texts are the size of dictionaries; I also have a pocket version of Black's Law Dictionary and various smaller books. My first day of actual classes is tomorrow, and already I am covered in work to do. There are lots of cases to brief and pages to read, but I have divided everything up so that it will be manageable. I've bought all my supplies for class as well, like my pens, highlighters, and notebooks. Everything is set now, and as soon as I finish this entry I will be finishing up my work for tomorrow. I already started on it earlier.

I moved into the apartment, completely, as of today. I finally unpacked all my stuff and put it away, and I even made a pitcher of sweet tea; I believe that a place isn't home until there is a pitcher of sweet tea in your fridge. My apartment is a one bedroom place on the top floor of a building right in the middle of the hospital district in downtown. While living by myself is an adjustment, to be honest perhaps the biggest one is the fact that I live where there is a truck load of traffic, pun not intended. I'm not used to the noise outside really; every night is a struggle to get to sleep, but I'm slowly but surely getting better. Life up here is an adventure. I say up here, even though I'm not extremely far north because for the most part Southern accents are few and far between, and I've yet to get a decent glass of sweet tea except for the stuff I made tonight, which is really good. My own accent has been progressively stronger, and I think it is because I seem to be compensating for the lack of accent everywhere.

As for the plan I mentioned, I'm working on getting with it. I haven't bought a lot of junk food for the apartment, but one of my new problems is that I haven't found the gym close to here yet. There's a gym in the student activity center, but it would require me to stay on campus to use it. Since I live downtown there is really no place for me to safely go on a walk. When I finally get my TV and DVD player hooked up I can go back to my cardio work outs on DVD, which were working when I could do them. The Barrister Ball is in the spring, and I am determined to make myself less fat and jiggly by then. It's actually a good thing because it gives me even more motivation to keep up with my plan to get healthy.

Well readers, I better get to work. I have several more cases to brief and about 50 pages more to read.

I'm sitting here, and it's raining again, which means that I can't go put the locks and window motor in my blazer. That sort of thing can't get wet. I hate this weather because it can't decide whether its going to rain or not, and every five minutes or so the rain either starts or stops. Maybe this afternoon when my dad gets home I will be able to work on my ride; I hate trying to work on it without him anyway because while I can do a lot of things to it, I just feel more comfortable when he's around. So since I can't work on the blazer, I figured I would write a little bit about my latest plan. I know, not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but hey, I don't think many people are reading this thing anyway. What is this plan? Well I'm hoping that if I get started on my fitness quest before I start law school in the next two weeks, I will be less likely to give up as time goes on and things get more difficult. Starting Saturday I will be working very hard to achieve my goal.

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Nic, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I've always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I'm willing to admit that. I'm also willing to admit that it's going to be a long road because I'm in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don't have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I'm actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

1. I'm addicted to caffeine and chocolate, two things that aren't exactly healthy. Along those same lines, I have a serious sweet tooth, and one of my favorite things is to bake and create sweet treats because it allows me to be creative.
2. I have a bad snacking habit; I snack while I work on papers and stuff and while I read, and I'm really bad about getting the munchies, especially during a certain week. I'm working to improve this by drinking more water and eating healthier snacks like apples, raw almonds, and popcorn that I pop myself with no butter and just a very little salt.
3. I don't sleep as well as I should; I'm really bad about not sleeping when I should or getting enough sleep. I know that sleep is important because it helps your body recharge and repair. I'm not sure what to do about the sleep issue because it's a matter of not being able to convince myself to shut down.
4. I tend to get stressed and irritated, and when I do I get distracted. This is a problem because I let my stress and frustration distract me from my work out, for example I get too mad to run or lift weights or whatever. So to combat this little hitch, I'm going to turn my frustration and irritation into work out fuel.
5. I tend to get too busy and too tired to work out. I will become so mired down in work and other life stresses, and it flat wears me out. I lack the energy to do the work out I know I should be doing. I'm not sure how I will combat this problem cause, to be honest, I've never been able to do it in the past.
6. I'm not patient, and so when I don't start seeing results soon enough, I find it hard to keep it up. I know that it takes time to start seeing weight loss and a change in the way my clothes fit, but I've never been a very patient person. I think this problem that arises from growing up in a family of drag racers.

I'm determined to make this work, and I will succeed this time, even though I have not before now. Now is the time for me; if not now then when? I keep putting it off and waiting, but I can't do that any more. If I keep doing that I will never do it; I know that. I have never been super thin or really fit, but once upon a time I was not as fat as I am now. My hope is that by next summer, when I go to PCB with Jacob because I promised him I would go, that I will be fit and pretty and swimsuit ready. I want to be all toned and gorgeous and everything, and I will be. I know that underneath my chunk is pretty, and I am determined to find it.

There are a lot of challenges I will be facing over the next few years; everything from time management to meeting new people and from maintaining a healthy relationship with Jacob to maintaining a healthy body. I know that law school will be a high stress environment, and I know that it will not be easy for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Today I'm going to blog about the potential difficulty of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. If I am incredibly lucky when I apply for housing tonight I will be able to cook my own food, which is healthier than eating out every day, which is my other option. Even if I only eat at the healthiest places, it will still be difficult. I have enough trouble staying healthy and fit as it is, which is a failing I am working on, though its not easy. Let's just say I have let stress and a busy life be a reason for me to let myself go. I've been abusing me body with high stress, low sleep, poor eating habits, and no time for exercise, and it has taken its toll. Well I'm beginning to see things differently, especially with my five year reunion in May of next year and being tired of every single summer having difficulty with that evil that is swimsuit season and realizing that if I don't change something now I may never change.

I will not tell you what size pants I wear, though Jacob knows, and I will not say what dress size and shirt size. Instead I will give you the wonderfully vague: I'm too fat. I am without a doubt bigger than I would like to be. Since the summer is waning I will have to work extra hard to trim down. I'm tired of being chubby, and I am chubby around the middle and thighs, and I've got a huge butt. Don't get me wrong, I love my curves like you wouldn't believe, but I do have too much curve in a couple of places. I do not want to be skinny at all because that would just look really disgusting on me; I'm fairly tall, and so I would look like a toothpick if I were too tiny. I just want to be trim and fit, healthy you know; if I get healthy then I will probably have a pretty awesome hourglass figure since I'm so naturally curvy.

So I'm going to start eating better, looking at food as fuel for my body, and working out more. The problem is making the time to do what needs to be done; it's really rather frustrating to be quite honest. I'm going to have to work a lot harder because my metabolism has slowed down, and I suppose because I am getting older it is harder for me to lose weight and tone up. Heavy sigh, wish me luck.