Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

When you are a child you don’t realize how much more there is to losing a loved one than their death. You don’t see the extent of the sickness if they are ill or the difficult choices about medical treatment and care. You only know that your loved one is gone. Being an adult and dealing with it is so much more difficult. I’m learning that now as I sit here, blogging from the hospital room where my Nanny, a woman who has been a very large part of my life, is slowly dying. My Nanny is possibly suffering from a very rare degenerative neurological disease called Atypical Motor Neuron Disease; it is incurable and will eventually claim her life. This has really affected my family, especially my mom who was always close to her mother, and that tears me apart because I am very close to my mom, to the point that I will go to blows with people who mess with her. The family drama that is happening due to crappy relatives only makes this worse.

Right now, as I sit here, my Nanny is dehydrated and a bit emaciated because she cannot eat due to her inability to swallow and she made it very clear that she did not want anything invasive like feeding tubes; my mom and I come and stay at the hospital almost everyday, and early in the week we were actually sleeping at the hospital because we weren’t sure she was going to last the night. We are practically living in the hospital room at the moment. The sad thing is that, while we don’t want a pat on the back or anything, no one seems to appreciate the way we are sacrificing and suffering, and instead either we are ignored or it is implied that we are doing this out of a guilty conscience. We have nothing to be guilty about because we have always taken care of Nanny and been there for her. So all of the drama that is happening on top of my mom losing her mother. Soon I will only have her recipes and the memory of her voice, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I love my Nanny, and I will miss her so much; I already miss her. That is why I’ve made up my mind that the bakery and sweets shop I plan to eventually have will be called “A Taste of Joy” in honor of Barbara Joy Smith, my Nanny, the woman who opened my eyes and introduced me to the joy of cooking.

When I was younger, only about eight or so, I lost my Granddaddy to lung cancer, and I remember only understanding that he was gone. And when I lost my Pa and then my Papa within a few months of each other I was in high school; I was not involved in the decision making process or any of the drama that happened afterward. Now it is entirely different. There are people who must must be called and choices about her care, and most of that is falling to us; the problem is that those who don’t want to make the choices are not happy with the choices we make. It is a painful vicious cycle, and it feels like we simply cannot win. And while I know there is no real victory here, I simply wish there was a way to make things better for my mom, who is suffering because she is losing her mother. I wish my family hadn’t lost their ever loving minds and decided that this is the perfect moment to stir up drama and cause fights, and I wish that we could have peace in this family for once because it is something my Nanny has always dreamed about.

I am such a terrible blogger; I haven't updated sufficiently in ages because that Peter Pan post totally does not count. Lagging to no internet connection and nothing interesting to write about leaves me little in the way of content. Anyway, I am sitting here now, with the internet working much better, feeling my shoulders tighten slightly. Yesterday Erica and I took her daughter, Kaylyn, to the lake to go swimming. Have I mentioned just how much I love that little girl? Technically I'd be considered a second cousin, but because she really doesn't have an aunt, I am Aunt Nic (well, Aunt Laura because that's my first name). There are no pictures because its impossible to take pictures when you are up to your neck in lake water and getting splashed by a one year-old. She loves the water, and we spent about an hour pushing her float around and letting her play. I didn't get much tanning in, just burned my shoulders a bit. By this weekend, my shoulders will be all brown though. Nothing else to report except that I now sell Mark. Cosmetics.

So today the Jake and Nic Show went sort of dramatic today, and it was not fun. It's a funny thing, distance, sometimes it makes things easier and sometimes it makes things harder. Sometimes it makes you reluctant to talk about things because you don't want to spend what little time you have to talk or be together discussing unpleasant truths. Well, when that happens it all spills over into one big pile of "things we should've talked about ages ago but now we really have to talk about them". Then conversation is a long and unpleasant one that may or may not involve tears. I do not enjoy those kinds of things, but I'm sure no one does. It has been a rough day because of this. It's all fun and games until something goes awry.

Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. Well, probably most people's existence, but at the moment I am talking about my own. Jacob somehow got the wrong impression about a lot of things, probably because Yours Truly is a mess and has difficulties. For one, he thought I wanted nothing to do with his family, but really I just haven't had much of a chance to be around them. Living in L-ville and having such a hectic and busy life, there have been very few opportunities for me to do things like that. I've promised to try to make things better because I love him and want to be a part of his life and his family is so very important to him. I curse my baggage, and I have some very unpleasant baggage for causing some of these issues to even arise. Some things stem from way back when we first started dating over a year ago, things I thought we were passed but apparently we weren't. But we are working on them now, and a lot of it is going to be me trying to shuffle and juggle to do it. I won't go into anymore detail about that part of the conversation because really, it's not something we need the world to know. I love him, and we have to get through this. I always dread moments like these, even though I know that they are normal really. No couple can be completely in-sync all the time, and every relationship will have rough moments along the way. The strength of your relationship is tested by these moments, and the real strength is being able to get through them. I guess it happened to us because we fell out of rhythm, and we didn't talk enough. I think maybe we have learned our lesson.

I think some people are meant to always fight for what they want, and I think that I'm one of those people. I foolishly thought that if we wanted it badly enough, if we fought hard enough, that we could have what we want without waiting so long. I foolishly hoped that it was our turn, that for once I wouldn't have to fight and we wouldn't have to struggle. I got my hopes up and then watched them crash; it seems to be a trend with me to be honest. The problem is that Jake and I met, and then our relationship sort of rocketed all the way to a brick wall. Neither of us expected it to happen, least of all me. I really just couldn't see that far forward. And part of it was that I like where we were going. We've been together a little over a year, and we are completely head over heels, and we've sort of reached this point where the next logical step, the one we really want to take, is to get hitched. But that can't happen right away or even in the next year by his calculations because things are just not in place yet. I had hoped that with a little planning, a lot of prayer, and some serious forethought and work we could manage to do what we want without having to wait the five years it will take to finish law school and pass the Bar. It sounds crazy that just because we are, or will be, both in law school, which only takes three years, that we will have to wait so long, but thats the logistics of it. I've done the math, looked at the options, and figure it out. Maybe its the crazy female in me, but I just hate the idea of a wait so long for something we want so much.

Maybe I'm not being entirely rational, even if I thought I was, but I've learned the hard way the over-thinking things just leads to more trouble. I guess that I was slightly blinded by the fact that I have finally found "the one" and I really love him. While I can barely think about such a long wait, I'm not giving up on us. In fact if anything I am more determined than ever to marry this man. I love him with all my heart, you see. I found something I thought I would never find again and I'm not about to let that go. Life rarely gives you second chances, and I'm not going to lose out this time. I love this man, despite all the problems we face. I'm determined.

So I meant to make a post on Thanskgiving about all that I am thankful for, but I had a very busy Thanksgiving weekend and couldn't find anytime. I had to use at least some of the time to study for finals, since yesterday was the first of four finals for me. I also travel, sort of, on Thanksgiving. We had dinner at Nanny's and then supper in Kentucky at my Grandmother's. At Nanny's we got on the subject of pies, no surprise, and how apparently I'm the only one who can make my Grandmama's Pecan Pie and my Nanny's No Fail Chocolate Pie. I am now on orders to learn to make my own pie crusts, and Grandmama would like me to come to her house to learn. At Grandmother's, my aunt Lynnisse and uncle Steve were doing wiring for my Grandmother, and my cousin Ben and his wife brought Kale and Bryce, their two children. It was loud and crazy, but that's pretty typical. The next day, Daddy (What, I'm Southern, I call my father Daddy) went with Grandmother to get the Christmas trees; it's sort of tradition. Well they took forever, and Mama, J.C., and I waited at the house. Some four almost five hours later Daddy calls and says that we need to come outside. Turns out that they had gone to the shelter where he'd been looking at a rescue rottie online, and he surprised me by bringing us Bear. He is a 14 month old rottie with papers and everything. I will snag pictures when he has put some weight on because he is seriously underfed. His former owner could no longer feed him and had to given him up, and at the shelter Bear let his kennel mate eat most of the food. He's a big baby, but he's sweet.

So what am I thankful for? I'll make it short because it's so late. I'm thankful for a lot of things. I'm thankful for the fact that I am able to live in a country where I can go to law school; I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to pursue my career choice. I'm thankful for the support of all my mentors who have guided me and given me such great advice. I'm thankful for my family, who love and support me. For Mama who will listen and give me advice. For Daddy who may pick on me but always comes through when I need him. For my little brother who may get on my nerves but is also sometimes cool. I'm thankful for Jacob, who loves me and supports me and puts up with me, even though I'm a mess, I have random meltdowns, and can be a real handful a lot of the time. I'm thankful that we have each other.

I also made some new earrings for my shop. So now the plug.