Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Ladies and Gentleman of the reading audience, it breaks my heart to put this into words, and I will do this without using quotes from the actual conversation, simply because I care too much about the other half of this issue to humiliate him or hurt him.

The Jake and Nic show is over, canceled abruptly like Fox cancelled Firefly. It was not mutual, but maybe somewhere down the road, they will get signed for another season, (If I'm lucky anyway). I'm not holding out a great of hope because he seems to have made up his mind. So this will be my last entry tagged Jake and Nic unless a miracle happens. This how we got where we are. Apparently, he was feeling off about us, and being the inexperienced one he didn't tell me, and then last night when I finally get worried he calls and tells me that our spark is gone, that he no longer feels the way he did about me. I had to take off my ring and start changing all my stuff around. Needless to say that so far my weekend is dominated by tears and insane hopes and then more tears. I don't understand how you can be fine one month, and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Something had to go wrong, and I want to fix it. I love him, dear readers, and I love him more than I probably should if he doesn't love me (or if he doesn't think he loves me, if that's the case). I love him so much that it hurts. He still has my heart, and I don't want it back at all. In the year and three months we were together, I was the happiest I'd been in five or so years. Nothing fit so perfectly, not even the ex who I once thought that I loved. Nothing was as right as things were when there was an us. I want the chance to rekindle our spark, because if it went out it can be relit. Maybe he doesn't want me anymore though, maybe he's given up. I don't know, but I don't want to just be friends. I don't want have to go back to August and September 2008 when Jake and Nic were friends. I want to make a new start. Maybe we just need time, time apart to grow a little, time apart to realize what we had. Maybe we need a break, but I don't want that break to be permanent. I don't know, but I don't want this to mean the end.

I'm afraid, afraid I did something wrong. I'm afraid that I somehow became unattractive to him. I'm afraid that my personality changed and pushed him away. I'm afraid that me being crazy lately somehow drove him away. I'm afraid that I made a  bad impression on his family, that they didn't like me. I'm afraid my family scared him off (which is also something Mama is afraid of). And most of all I'm afraid that the fact that he's super involved in church and I can't be right now made him decided that it wasn't right. I was trying so hard to be involved and that's part of why I went to Gatlinburg with him. I was finally ready to do that. I wanted some much to be a part of that in his life, and I'm afraid that I didn't show him enough. I'm afraid that he thought that I didn't want to be a part of it and so we couldn't be together. I'm afraid we started moving too fast and that scared him. I'm afraid that's my fault, that because it kept coming up and I was dumb enough to think that it should. I'm afraid the distance messed things up for us. I'm afraid that I have lost the one man I love. But I don't want to lose him. It would be wrong to give up on someone like this.

I just understand how the feeling can just be gone all of a sudden. I don't understand how he could give up on us after we've been through so much already, after we'd come so far. Maybe I should just give up too, but I can't do that. I don't care about this distance or the difficulties. I don't care about the future right now or settling down or log houses or pugs or bulldogs or first apartments or any of that. I care about laughing over not being good at bowling. I care about holding hands and running from the rain. I care about Peter Pan and Tinkerbell in the parking lot after a ridiculous exam. I care about seeing movies about food when we're starving then getting milkshakes and burgers. Maybe that's what we need to get back to now. I don't know how, but I do know what I want. I'd like to get back to that happy place, with laughter, smiles, and flirting. I think we can, and I think that it would take some work. But I think that if we really cared and really tried, we could do it, provided that he hasn't already found someone to replace me. I love him, readers, and I want to get him back.

The lines from this song is playing in my head over and over:

So this morning my alarm clock was somehow set an hour fast. That means this morning I woke up at 6:45 instead of 7:45 (not so bad except that I couldn't sleep last night for reasons I'll discuss below), I ate breakfast too early and was starving halfway through Criminal Law, and I left the apartment at 7:40 instead of 8:40 panicking because I though I only had twenty minutes to get to the parking lot, get up the hill to the law school, drop my books off at my locker and get to Basic Legal Skills. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was no one there, and I grabbed my phone thinking they had canceled class and I hadn't checked. That was when I discovered that it was really only 7:49, I wasn't late, and that because of this I had time to run back to the apartment and pick up some things I forgot.

I try very hard to be zen about life and what it throws at me. I try not to stress so much about the things I can't change. But lately, its been getting harder. As Jake's graduation get closer and closer, the future issues become more and more real. Jake will go to law school, and I'm confident that he will get into one of the places where he wants to go. Those places don't really include L-ville, KY. I want him to go where he needs to be, and I want him to go where he will be happy. But it will kill me to know what that will mean. Its not a pleasant thought, the future as it stands. To be honest, I really dread the prospect of three years without seeing each other. We'd be lucky to even do holidays with our families at Christmas time. The problem with these feelings is that I have a bad habit of letting them escape at just the wrong moment. Like last night when Jacob called: We are talking about nothing in particular and he brings up his law school stuff and because I don't want to blurt out anything inappropriate, I get all quiet and what not. After we hang up, my mind begins to race and I think that maybe I should remind Jake that I am happy for him even though I get all weird on him. Well, that sort of exploded, and there we were texting in the middle of the night when normal people who have law school classes at 9AM the next day but no actual homework at the moment should be asleep. When this happens, it usually means that I get all stupid and text long messages while sitting in my apartment either crying or fuming about the situation. This time I was crying. It was ugly. And as usual, what I call my "Girlfriend Guilt"  kicked in and I couldn't sleep. The "Girlfriend Guilt" is this feeling I get when I get overly emotional and feel like I've been a crappy girlfriend for putting Jake through it.  The truth is that I really shouldn't do that to him. I know how much pressure he's under right now, and I know how hard it is to be applying for law school, doing Mock Trial, and taking difficult classes. Its not fair of me to add my emotional crap on top of that. I'm going to do my level best to stop doing that to him. I love him too much to be stupid enough to make life difficult.

I know I should focus on what time we do have to spend together, which is already fairly limited. I want to make the most of it, but its really hard to do when you get a date or lunch meeting or random hello every three weeks or more. There are only so many we can do on a Friday or Saturday night in the Boro. We've gone bowling more times than I can count, and that's fun. We've seen plenty of movies (I keep the ticket stubs cause I'm freak), and that's also fun. But I'm a memories kind of girl, and I want desperately to have some memories to look back on someday. I want memories of my life with the man I love. I don't want to look like back and say "those were the years when all we got were text messages and phone calls." I don't to look back and have to say "those were the years when we never saw each other." I want a little romance, which seems a bit pathetic but whatever. I don't how we're gonna make those memories, but I want to make them and will. You see, I'm a fighter, always have been. I know what I want, and I'm gonna have it. I just predict that my camera is about to see a lot of action.

I am back in the Shoebox, warming up and finishing the last of my homework for tomorrow. Like I mentioned last entry, I went on the church retreat in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge with Jake and the young adult group from his church. Have you ever felt like your spirit, your heart, your mind, and (yes this sounds cheesy) your soul has been sort of recharged, revived, and renewed? Well coming back from that retreat that's sort of how I feel.

Friday night we arrived at the cabin, after a hilarious trip up to the mountains; we went through Maryville, which looked like a low rent version of Woodbury, TN, passed a really seedy looking place (it was obviously some sort of strip club) that looked to have a $1 an hour motel attached, and went through an area where we could swear we were hearing banjo music (Deliverance style). The parking situation wasn't pleasant, but we made do; of course we hadn't eaten, so we went to TGIFriday's for a late dinner with another couple. It was fun to go out and chat with another couple. We played a little air hockey and relaxed. Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast, and then the morning devotional. The topic was Today, as in living for Today; I found myself recalling the fact that I am really bad about regrets at times. I get hung up in the past, and I fail to live for Today. There is so much good happening right now, and I know that if I'm not paying attention I will miss it. I have a good life; I have a great family, a future, and the most wonderful man in my life. During the day, Jacob and I went with two other couples and a friend of his to Gatlinburg where we just sort of browsed for the day. It was nice to just wander around and have nothing to do. There were some people doing the Free Hug thing, which Jake was creeped out by, but other than that it was a nice relaxing trip.

That evening Jake and I snuggled on the couch, and I sort of half watched the Cardinals/Saints game, since it was on in the main sitting area. I really didn't care what was on the television at that point so long as Jacob ad I could stay where we were on the couch. Saturday night's devotional type thing was about Forgiveness, which brings me to the title of the entry. I tend to have trouble forgiving myself for my past mistakes; I will spend quite some time beating myself up over things that I can't change. This is also part of that whole living for today bit. I've also been holding on to a touch of bitterness from that old heartbreak from almost a year and a half ago, and I really shouldn't. Part of me sometimes wishes that the ex finds himself realizing that he's missed out; part of me wishes that he had just a little bit of regret for leaving me. But, as we sat watching House on TV and I absently played with Jake's hair, I got to thinking. I really don't have to keep being angry and bitter about the old wounds; they've mostly healed up, and I've got this fantastic man in my life who treats me better than I could ever ask and loves me. And if I just let go, I will be able to live, to really live. I can let it go and wish the ex well, because I can move on with my life. I've got a whole lot to look forward to now.

It was great weekend, something I really needed. It was great to spend some time just relaxing, and it was pretty cool to sort of live in the same house with Jake. The mountains were beautiful, the lessons were powerful, and it was just the sort of recharging, reviving, and renewing that I needed. There was something great about the singing this weekend, too. There is nothin' quite like listening to Jake sing, and I was sitting next to him; he's got a great voice, and it sort of reaches you at times. To sing with him is amazing. There was something about adding my voice to the other voices lifted to sing to and for God that was really powerful. Music has always spoken to me, and I guess it always will. C.S. Lewis wrote about the Deep Magic in his Chronicles of Narnia, which anyone who really knows their C.S. Lewis, and most people with any brains at all, knows is a series about Christianity and Jesus and faith. The Deep Magic is part of what connects Narnia's inhabitants to each other in the same way that faith and a common love and belief in God and Jesus connects Christians. I think that part of what rings for me is that when we were singing, you could feel that connection, that Deep Magic so to speak. I don't have a great voice, but I do love to sing; there was something amazing about singing those songs with Jake and the rest of the group.

This particular line we sang hit me. "Lord you know just where I've been so light the fire in my heart again". I was in desperate need of recharge, not only in mind and body, but in spirit. And this weekend helped with that. Sunday morning there was a time where we all sat in silence and if anyone had anything to say to the group, they could. I don't know how it happened, but I just suddenly felt the need to say how grateful I was to be there. And as sort of lame as it was, I cried. I couldn't help it; all of a sudden it was just there and I felt like I had to speak up in a way I hadn't before, at least in front of those people. There is something to be said about being completely recharged all over, body, mind, heart, and spirit. Sometimes things just happen, and I know they happen for a reason. I was meant to love and lose the ex because I was meant to hurt enough for my eyes to open. I was meant to find my way to where I am now. There is a reason that I'm not with the first boy I ever loved. I was supposed to meet Jake, I was supposed to love him, and I am suppose to be with him. I prayed a lot for God to show me the way, and then like a typical blind human being, I wasn't paying attention. I'm paying attention now.

The second semester is already in full swing here in law school land; this weekend will probably be my last moments of relaxation for a while because the grind has already begun in earnest. My planner is filled with appointments to meet with professors to review exams, which will not be a pleasant experience (especially for Torts, Property, and Legal Research), notes on assignments to read, research to do, and times to compile my notes for each class. Due to my unfortunate grades, I have to meet with the woman in charge of the academic success office, and its not something I like doing since she practically accused me of not working hard enough and in general this whole issue is really hard to deal with for me. I've always been the smart one, and sometimes that feels like all I have; my family introduces me as the smart child, and most of the time I feel like my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me. If I'm not smart then what am I? Who am I if I'm not the intelligent one? I am now stepping up my game, but this is going to be a very very long semester with a lot of hard work and grinding through it and not very much time to breathing. I predict a great deal of time spent alone in my apartment, doing nothing but work. It will be a miracle if I get time to work out, much less the time to see the people I love. I do not predict a lot of cheerful entries for folks to read. If you want to make a run for it now, I don't blame you. I'm definitely not going to be seeing a lot of TN, since going home typically means that I don't get much done. There will be some melt downs, and it won't be pretty. Hold on tight because we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.

I hate the way this all makes me feel, and I hate the way it makes me act. It's not fair to the people who have to deal with me on a regular basis. I have made my Mother worry (and Southern Mothers worry in general because its part of their charm) more than she needs to worry about her adult daughter. I've lashed out at people (more than my usual charming snark and snap), and its not been pretty. I snapped at my kid brother, my nerves are on edge, and even when I screw on that smile that Southern women are able to bring out even when they are standing among the spiralling chaos, its hard to make it convincing. It also makes me a terrible friend and partner, and I feel like I'm being a horrible girlfriend for Jake. Its hard enough having a long distance relationship, and then I make it worse by becoming this mess. He tries so hard to be supportive, to be there for me, and I tend to get snippy and nasty and I cry too much. Instead of making things better, I just make them worse. Lately I have not been the kind of girlfriend that a guy wants. There is nothing fun, sexy, cute, beautiful, or pleasant about the emotional and ridiculous mess that I am right now. Jake stands by me just the same, which is something that I really appreciate, and I love him so much. I know that a lot of times it would be easier to just cut and run when I get like this, especially when all I do is argue and get more idiotic. Let's face, Jake is a better man than a crazy Southern woman like me could ever ask for.

I promised myself that I would be positive about this semester, that I would just make the best of what I have, but its not as easy as it may seem. I was ok, really, until I met with the academic success person. Then suddenly all hell broke loose, and the tears started to fall and the need for caffiene and chocolate set in, and well here I am. I have to get over this, or at least get better (in the sense that I am not whimpering and sniffling like a child), before this weekend, since I want to have a good time and make the best of it. This is especially true considering that after this weekend I don't know when I'll see Jake or even have a decent break.

As I started on this I was in the noisy SAC marketplace having lunch because I have to use the massive amount of money the school forces me to pay for a meal ticket because I have on campus housing, even though I live in an apartment with a full kitchen. Now I'm in the back of the classroom, staying much warmer, and working on some things for class. It is cold outside, and by cold I mean it's 21 degrees outside but feels like 12. No joke, I stepped outside the law school to head out for lunch, and it was spitting snow. This is the kind of snow that mocks me because I love snow, I love to run around in it, dance like a fool, and in general frolic like a little kid in it. I'm from TN, Middle TN to be specific, and that means that a white Christmas usually equals ice and snow is a rare treat. I'm hoping for real snow, even if it means that I have to trudge through it in my boots to get to Civil Procedure in the morning. In all honesty, the idea of the powers that be cancelling classes and closing the law school because of snow is pretty much a fantasy. Nowka, the Contracts Professor, has entered the room and started class, so I will finish this back in the Shoebox.

Well readers, I am back in my L-ville Shoebox (also known as my little apartment). I've hung up most of my clothes, opened a reed diffuser to make the Shoebox smell nice, attempted to order pizza and failed, and now I am relaxing on my couch watching the newer version of Pride & Prejudice (despite the fact that it is a really obvious chick flick). I won't lie, Pride & Prejudice is an excellent diversion with classes looming over my head, even if Mr. Collin's is a creeper. I will confess that I am amused by this movie. I need to make my grocery list and begin scheduling how I will manage my workload.

I haven't had much time to blog or even think until now, due to all the running about and travelling and general insanity that is the holidays. So I suppose I should throw out some of the general happenings, revalations, observations, and discoveries that I have had while I haven't been blogging.

Here's the deal, grades have come out and let's just say that I am not happy. My grades are not as high as I believed they should've been and because of that I will be unable to transfer to a school in TN. It simply will not be possible, and I am quite disappointed. But I will power through because if the good Lord means for me to be a lawyer then I will have to get through this. I suppose that I will just make the best of my time here. I can handle it; I will probably complain about it here, but I can handle it.

This was a given. Those things come regardless. Jake and I did holidays, which is to say that we spent a great deal of time on the road; we started in the Boro with my Aunt Bonnie's Christmas Eve, followed by the Strait family Christmas gathering that night, then both of us did Christmas morning with our parentals, followed by Christmas breakfast with Nanny, Christmas Lunch with the Halls, and ended with Christmas Supper at my Grandmother's. We barely had time to breathe, but there is something special about doing holidays. It gives a sort of permanence to our relationship, and its just sort of nice to have something we do together. There was a moment Christmas night that was really awesome. (Beware, Nic is gonna be a sap). Jake was watching the Titans game, which is not something that ever interests me, and I was sort of half laying on him and using him as a pillow. It was quiet and comfortable and perfect; I would give anything to do that more often, not going to lie. We also did a sort of New Years outing, which was nice. We went to see It's Complicated, which was an OK movie but not one I really want to see again. (Just say no to Alec Baldwin undressed). Then we did dinner at Chilis, always a treat, and then we went to his church to hang out for a while. It was an absolute blast. Also, while on the subject of Christmas, I got some pretty great stuff, books I wanted, clothes, and a really cool digital picture frame (a gift from Jake because he is thoughtful and awesome). I am, however, mildly jealous of the new toy he got; I used to say I had no use for a touch screen iPod, but now, after getting to mess with his for a bit, and looking it up, I think I may want one. They seem really nice.

With Jake's graduation rapidly approaching and the fact that he will soon be in law school somewhere, the future is beginning to loom slightly. We had this idea, and it was awesome. "Let's get into the same law school; we can be together and support each other and work together and it will be great." I was going to transfer to a TN school, and we were goimng to give it a go. Then my grades came in, and that idea flew out the window. There are two distinct possibilities for what our relationship will be like. One is that he will go to either his first or second choice for law school, meaning our relationship will enter a land I will name "The Long Distance Desert" which is to say that we will have minimal contact due to the serious distance between us and the conflicting schedules that will surely arise. The second possibilty is that he comes here, his third choice, and we go from there. This is the part where the selfish part of me, the part that wishes simply for us to be together and doesn't care about much of anything else, and the mature part of me that loves Jake very much and only wants what would be best for him, the part that knows that he needs to be where he is happy and where he feels he should be, duke it out in a battle royale.
(SPOILER ALERT)
The mature part of me wins, of course, because I only want Jake to be happy, whatever that means, and I know that what I want shouldn't matter when it comes to his choice in law schools. The mature part of me puts that selfish part of me in a headlock and then body slams it with the reminded that part of what being a decent partner is all about is being supportive. You see, I love him with all my heart, and I want him to go to the law school where he feels he should be and to do what he needs to do in order to be happy and sucessful. If that means that we enter the "Long Distance Desert" for a while, so be it. I will pout and whimper, but I will live through it and support him; after all if our relationship can't handle the distance then it wasn't meant to be. To answer the questions: Will it hurt to do the distance thing, yes it will. Will I probably cry like a girl and have to grit my teeth and remind myself constantly that the distance is temporary, yes, constantly. Will it suck to be so far apart all the time, more than you can imagine. But I'd rather Jake be happy and comfortable and where he should be than be all wrapped up in my own world. He means that much to me. Call me a sap, but that's how I feel.

I feel like resolutions sort of fall apart every time I try to make them. I always forget or lose track or something else silly. So instead I will make a list of goals for the year. That way I know that I can achievement. So here are my four main goals:

1. Be swimsuit ready by this summer; it's going to take a lot, I mean a lot, of will power, stamina, and determination, but I think that I can manage it. In general I want to get into better shape because I am a mess.
2. Learn to be more patient; this is an in general issue having to do with lots of things. I'm bad about getting impatient, giving up, getting frustrated, and in general being a bit of a beast when things don't move at the pace I'd like them to move.
3. Pick something I've always wanted to do, like learn a foreign language, learn to dance, learn to draw, or something of that nature, and actually do it. Along the same lines, I will finish my novel, or at least get a huge chunk of it written
4. Be a better girlfriend, partner, and friend; to tell the truth at times I can be a selfish pain, and I'm not good at dealing with myself. I'm a mess and a handful and more often than not I'm not the kind of girlfriend you'd want. I'm going to try to be more patient and supportive and less of a mess.

I am considering starting an "Ask Nic" type blog to go along with this one; something where people email in questions and I answer them. I know that I wouldn't get many emails, but it might be a fun thing to try out at least. I don't know.