Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

In August of 2008, I was dating the ex and playing havok in an unhealthy way trying to manage a relationship that was spiraling southward. It was not an easy month, and it didn't help that it was the first month of my last year in undergrad. I was working my way to becoming a college graduate and the nerves got to me. So did the prospect of law school applications. It was that same month that Jake walked into my life. Oddly enough, he was in all my classes that semester except my English ones. He was even in mock trial, which is my domain and always will be. We talked, a lot, and despite the fact that I am usually less than approachable and friendly when it comes to new people, we became really good friends. We had a lot in common, and not just our accents. Sure enough, Jacob became one of my closer friends, and I discovered that it was a lot easier than I thought it would be to talk to him. What I didn't discover was that he wanted to be more than friends.

In September of 2008, the week after I turned 21 to be exact, I was betrayed. The ex had cheated, or maybe he'd just not gotten around to telling me that our three year relationship that was supposed to eventually become a marraige was actually over. Either way, Nic was single, but she was not really available. I did a lot of crying, and I did a lot of asking God for help, and I did a lot of hating the male species. I was sullen and unpleasant. People noticed that I wasn't exactly myself, but I clung to my misery and pretty much wallowed. It was not an attractive period for me. Jacob was there for me, and he listened as I held out hope for something to change and whined and dragged him along as I walked down memory lane. Knowing now that he wanted more than friendship, Jake's listening to me and being there for me is almost noble. I know that it could not be easy to listen to someone you want to date go on and on about the guy that broke her heart.

In October of 2008 Nic got her groove back. I have always been a flirt, and the unpleasantness had sort of diminished that in me. But then I somehow managed to revive, and I also became less dense. Perhaps it was that brick wall I started building around my broken heart, but it took me until October to pick up on the fact Jacob liked me. I flirted, mainly because it's what I do, and I started to think that maybe, as crazy as it seemed at the time, I was developing an attraction to him.  It took until close to the end of the month for him to ask me out. But he did, and I said yes, despite me reservations. We started simple, just dinner, and it was fun. We talked a lot, and we still do. Thus began Jake and Nic, and it has been a fun adventure that kept going.

By May of 2009 we'd been on too many dates to count, and we'd become closer than I thought I'd get to anyone again. I started to wonder if there could be more to my feelings than the whole "I find this guy attractive and spending time with him is nice..." And guess what! There was. I was falling for him, even though I was digging in my heels and resisting because I am damaged goods. Turns out though, Jacob is pretty awesome with the super glue/glue gun/duct tape(because if you can't fix it with duct tape or a bandaid, well then you should probably just give up), and he managed to repair my broken shattered heart. And as I was getting ready to head into the house after the mock trial awards banquet, he said those three little words. "I love you", and I found out that I could say them too and mean them with all my heart. Apparently, its now noticeable that we are in love, which is cool, and Jake and I are planning our future.

That brings us to today, October 29, 2009. It's been a year, and it's been a great one. Here's looking forward to many more years of love and happiness and craziness in this adventure we call life.

So yesterday, right as Civil Procedure (also known as the devil's playground) was about to start, I get a text from Jake; we'd been talking through lunch, but normally the texts stop for a little while after that. The timing, however, does not matter. This is how the conversation went:

J: I know you aren't crazy about memphis sweetheart but I think we need to look into it. (bolding by me)
N: Why?
J: Are you still wantin to do child advocacy?
N: It's on the list
J: They've got a big program apparently in child and family law. And they offer a joint j.d./m.a. in political science.

 ----Some time later----

N: Do you you seriously think we should consider memphis as an option.
J: I think we have to. (Bolding by me)

Why is this simple conversation so blogworthy? Well some time after my last text, Jake calls, and we continue to discuss the Memphis option. It involved various important aspects like ensuring that we both get into the school and where, if we were to go there, we would be living. There was a lot of "we" talk in that discussion, including where we would definitely not be living. Funny thing is, it's been a long time since  I could discusss any sort of future or current situation involving a "we" without crying my eyes out (due to crappy exes) or getting frustrated (due to crappy set backs). But yesterday, as I was lounging on my couch and watching Criminal Minds or maybe it was Stripes, I don't remember, it hit me: Jacob and I were discussing the "we" factor. It's no longer simply Jacob's future or Nic's future; it's our future, and I like it that way. There have been other "we" factor discussions, like "How are we doing holidays this year?" But this is a bit different. Making a decision to arrange it so that we are in the same law school in an effort to arrange it so that we can get married is another story all together. And yes, readers, we have been contemplating getting married. Actually, that's been a thing of discussion for a few months.

There is something special about the "we" factor; I'd like to think that I'm not incredibly selfish and whatnot, but I do know that for a long time my primary focus has always been where I will be in the future, what I want to do with my life, and things of that nature. I think that is normal, so don't think I am saying it's not. When you are single, or simply dating and not thinking about that couple's future, then you are primarily concerned with your own future, and not how it relates to other people. But then if you meet someone you fall in love with and decide that you want a future with them you have to consider the "we" factor. I'm not talking about a cease in your independence (the feminist side of me rages against that sort of thing) or rearranging your entire life around one person; I'm talking about taking into consideration how you want your future with someone to go. There is a difference between "Where are we going to go for dinner on date night?" and "Where are we going to law school and where will we live while we are there?" The "we" factor excites me because it's like the beginning of a new chapter in my life (and it's not a crappy rewrite of the last time I tried; I ripped those pages up and tossed them, metaphorically speaking).You'll have to forgive the crazy book type references, but hey, I warned you that I was a bibliophile.

The "we" factor doesn't mean that I will no longer be Nic and that he will no longer by Jacob; instead it means that I will be Nic with a side order of Jacob (so that may be the best way for my to describe it). Of course that would mean that he will be Jacob with a side order of Nic. Or maybe it's like when you go to a restaraunt and get two entrees instead of an entree and sides. Nic and Jake are like the main dishes at the meal. I'm rambling a bit because the crazy is taking over. My point is that I'm not giving up my identity, and he is not giving up his. We are simply being ourselves together. I'm excited about it really. (have I said that?)  I love him and the "we" factor just cements that.

So I have always had a penchant for making stuff; I mean I've always been into making my own jewelry, costumes, food, and any number of things. I try not to spend a lot on things I really don't need like new books (though being a bibliophile makes almost a need), new music to put on my iPod, games for my DS (don't judge me, I like to play the ones that are a mental challenge), and other fun things that distract me from the reality that is law school. I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to have some extra money because, after all, I want things and need money to get them. There are also other plans that I would like to save money for, but I won't get into them at this point. So I went to Michael's  in the Boro (a place that never ceases to rob me of my money every time I go in there) and bought beads and findings and pretty silver chain; those were added to my incredibly girly little jewelry making kit, which has wire cutters, round nose pliers for loops, and needle nose pliers for bending things. Then I went home, to the house belonging to the 'rents, and made some pretty earrings. Those are now on my etsy site (link to follow at the end of the post). I also gave like six pairs of earrings to my Nanny to take to work to sell; I need to get some red beads to make pieces in the WestSide School colors because they will sell like crazy. Mama is also into this whole make extra money thing and is selling Avon, which is cool; she promises to take some of my pieces to work with her as well and is even offering to buy me more beads.

This is one of my favorite pairs. I love the leaf beads, but they come ten to a string so if I want to make more of them I have to buy three or more strings. I'm slightly irritated by this because I have several ideas for some leaf inspired earrings. I'm also designing Christmas earrings, even though I know that's months away. What I need to do is come up with a banner for my shop and also a logo to stick on the pretty little boxes I will be using to ship the earrings and stuff. I'm hoping that after this weekend I will have a little extra time to come up with some designs for not only earrings but maybe a couple of necklaces. Hopefully when I go back to TN my Nanny will have sold what I gave her, and thus I will be able to buy more beads to make more jewelry in some new designs. Call me a freak, but I love this stuff. I'm also working on designs for a few presents for Christmas and birthdays; my Nanny also wants me to figure out a way to lengthen a necklace she bought at a flea market or yard sale or something like that. It's a pretty piece, but too heavy for my taste; I should be able to get some amber colored beads and make it work.

I also seem to be in need of a creative Halloween costume; the subject of today's entry is not Jake and I, but just so you know, our one year anniversary is next week and so we will hopefully be going out that weekend. Since at the moment he has that Friday off, it means that I will be at home in the Boro for Halloween and will need to be costumed. If there is a costume, I will try to get pictures, and I will definitely have pictures of the awesome pumpkins I know my dad will be carving. Halloween is fun in the R family household, and I look foward to the pumpkins and stuff every year. I'm thinking for my costume this year buying a red wig and digging out tights and a mini skirt for a version of Julia Roberts' Erin Brockovitch, but more than likely I will go a bit cheaper and do some thing with a witch's hat, some awesome shimmery purple fabric I bought a couple years ago, and purple eyeliner. If I was staying in L-ville I would be at the Decedent's Ball and would have to go all out with my costume, but I'm not, so I will probably cheat a little. And yes this is relevant because creating my own costume counts as crafty. Well it's back to Memo-land for me, so I leave you with the link to my etsy shop.

Last post I talked about making progress, well yesterday while working out I did some thinking. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I was thinking about how things have gone in my life, especially my size and body image. It's been a different sort of progression for me because honestly I would've thought that by now I would be more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was in the middle school years, though I went to a K-8 school, I was fairly comfortable. I was a tall girl, which isn't a great thing, but I was also sort of slim, but not skinny. My main issues were that I had scars, wore glasses, didn't have the coolest clothes, and that my parents wouldn't allow me to wear make up or shave my legs. I was not concerned with my weight, nor was anyone else considering that I played sports and was an active kid. I managed to get through those years without much concern really, even though I had friends who were on diets their doctors had put them on and who had eating issues in a way that I did not. I mentioned once or twice wanting to lose weight, simply because I had friends who were trying to do it, but in reality, as long as I kept playing sports, I could eat what I wanted and not get much bigger. And this continued for me up into my freshman year of high school. By the end of my freshman year I was still not concerned about my body image, other than my hair and skin really, and I had shot up nearly 6 inches and gained 15 pounds or so. Everything sort of evened out on my body because I was so tall. But that year was the last time I was required to take gym and life got too busy for me to keep up with sports and things.

My sophomore year I joined the theater kids, and the phrase "I can't I have rehearsal" became a huge part of my vocabulary. Slowly but surely I started to gain weight, and being so busy I just sort of ignored the fact. But then junior year rolled around and I was a "Drama II" which meant I was part of the primary acting company, so to speak. It meant that I did a lot more and had a lot more rehearsal because the Drama IIs were more than just extras in the shows. It also meant that I had to change in the dressing rooms on a regular basis, and it was becoming fairly obvious to me that I was not small at all. I began to dread changing costumes among my fellow women. I felt like a huge blimp around them, and that continued into my senior year of high school, when I dreaded prom dress shopping to some extent because I knew how hard it would be. Eventually though I did accept that I was not going be small ever again because I was built wide and tall, and that it was in my genes; I would only ever be able to be fit and curvy.

College hit, and I did in fact gain the horrifying freshman 15. It sort of happened when I wasn't looking. But in the process, I joined mock trial and was once again faced with the knowledge that I was surrounded by these sort of small girls. I found myself feeling awkward around them because they were all cute and little and I was big and gawky and gross. There came a time when I had a coach pull me aside and took me into his office and implied that next to my small, slender female co-counsel I was huge; I have never forgotten that, though I'm sure that he has, and it changed the way I saw myself in the court room. I felt like a massive vulture in my black suit and heels looming in the court room. I was always bigger than my fellow female attorneys, and while it shouldn't have mattered, it did. I kept it to myself, but it bothered me to know that I was the huge one. I felt like I would always be the fat and ugly attorney at the table, and it was crazy. I was definitely not the good looking attorney.

That brings me to where I am now. I am a 22 year old law student who is 5 foot 6 inches tall and way heavier than she would like to be. I am still not quite comfortable in my own skin; I get sort of unsettled when I notice people looking at me while I'm working out. But I'm getting a bit better. I have days when I feel great, especially after a really good work out. I may never be a size 2, but I will never be that 19 year old girl in her coach's office being told that she looks huge next to her co-counsel again.

I've made progress dear readers. Last week I walked to and from class every day, including the day of my exam, and it is a half mile walk one way. I am proud to say that it did not leave me as winded and tired as it did the first time I did it, several weeks ago. I've found that I actually want to go work out, which may seem strange, but its the truth. I look forward to whatever the workout of the day is, no matter if it's going to be a long one or a short one. I've noticed that I can see a difference in the definition of my calf muscles, which is something I could never do before, not even when I was in high school. I've also discovered my favorite, run around the apartment shorts, which are a pair of gym shorts like I used to wear in high school, fit looser around my thighs than they used to. I also can only wear some of my older pants if they have been drastically shrunk in the dryer on hot three or four times. If I can keep this up I will meet my goal for November, and then be able to meet my overall goal by this summer. I know that it will not be easy to be all trim and stuff by this summer, but if I can keep going to the gym and eating fairly decently I will be able to do it. I do know that I will never be the kind of woman who can stop exercising and eating right and not gain back the weight she's lost, but once I've lost it I will feel better about keeping my routine because I will know that it works. Currently I'm still struggling with my stomach, but I think my face has thinned some and I'm pretty sure my body is finally getting the message that it isn't supposed to be as fat as it is.

Last Monday I turned in the Closed Memo, which offered me some relief. But then we were assigned the Open Memo, which is longer and involves doing our own research; I'm going to be starting my research for it tomorrow at lunch. Let the fun begin. Last Friday was my first ever law school exam; I sat for my Legal Research final exam. It went well, and that's about all I will say about it. The first rule of law school is that we don't talk about exams or grades. The plan is to be all caught up with my outlines and notes by the end of the week. I fell a little behind trying to work on the memo and study for the exam, so I'm going to finish up my practice problems for Property and then do outlines tonight. I want to be all caught up by the weekend since Jacob and I plan to go out.

October has come at last and with it fall weather. I love this season because the air is crisp, the weather is clear, and in general it is just beautiful. I will probably break out the camera and take a thousand and one pictures of the leaves changing and things like that. At the moment I am sitting in my apartment, contemplating making some coffee, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and working on my memo, which is due bright and early in the morning. The good news is that the memo is in the final editing stages, and mostly the work is just checking and rechecking the grammar and spelling and citations. The bad news is that every time I think I'm done with it I find something else I feel needs to be changed or added to the thing. I think I may give it one maybe two more reviews and then I will just save it and close it. There is only so much that I can do to make it perfect. My eyes are tired, and my head is killing me. Now none of this has to do with fall, but I felt like saying it anyway. Back to the subject of the blog.

Like I said earlier, I love this season. I love fall clothes. I love light jackets and boots with light weight sweaters. I love being able to dress warm without having to bundle up in fifteen jackets and thick sweaters. Small problem here is that I seem to have worn out my fall wardrobe over the last year or two and need a new one. Too bad I don't like to buy clothes when I'm trying to lose weight. I love the crunch of leaves under my feet. I may be a little weird, but the fact that fall brings football is not one of the reasons that I adore this season. I've never been a football fan; I just have nIever been able to get into it, no matter how hard Jacob tries to get me to watch.  I do however love Halloween and bonfires and all the beauty that the season has to offer. Fall is the best time for bonfires and gatherings like that because it's not so hot and miserable sticky that you don't want to be outside, and it's not so teeth chattering cold that you can't stay out without freezing to death. It's also some of the best weather to be curled up with someone special, which is why being in law school by myself in fall can be a drag. There are nights and weekends when I am sitting alone in my apartment typing away at a brief or highlighting cases in my books when I would really like to be snuggling up with Jacob instead.

This season does present a small problem for me. Fall and winter are the two seasons when I always gain weight; I guess it's because I eat too much and get sort of lethargic and dormant. I find myself more tired and just moving much slower. They are the seasons of treats, pies, candies, and big family meals, and my family eats a lot. I am actually making 7 pounds of fudge to be wrapped in pretty tins to take to various Christmas gatherings. I was proud of myself because I have manage to avoid the Halloween candy two or three times now while shopping, which is pretty awesome; usually I buy a bag or two to hide for later. But during fall and winter holidays I tend to nibble a lot without paying much attention to what I am doing. I begin to get busy with work in the fall, especially with exams, and when Christmas vacation rolls around I am just so very very tired that I don't want to exercise or anything. That however has to change this year. I am working way too hard to gain all the poundage back. I am slowly shrinking in the proper places already, and I am not about get fatter.