Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

So this morning my alarm clock was somehow set an hour fast. That means this morning I woke up at 6:45 instead of 7:45 (not so bad except that I couldn't sleep last night for reasons I'll discuss below), I ate breakfast too early and was starving halfway through Criminal Law, and I left the apartment at 7:40 instead of 8:40 panicking because I though I only had twenty minutes to get to the parking lot, get up the hill to the law school, drop my books off at my locker and get to Basic Legal Skills. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was no one there, and I grabbed my phone thinking they had canceled class and I hadn't checked. That was when I discovered that it was really only 7:49, I wasn't late, and that because of this I had time to run back to the apartment and pick up some things I forgot.

I try very hard to be zen about life and what it throws at me. I try not to stress so much about the things I can't change. But lately, its been getting harder. As Jake's graduation get closer and closer, the future issues become more and more real. Jake will go to law school, and I'm confident that he will get into one of the places where he wants to go. Those places don't really include L-ville, KY. I want him to go where he needs to be, and I want him to go where he will be happy. But it will kill me to know what that will mean. Its not a pleasant thought, the future as it stands. To be honest, I really dread the prospect of three years without seeing each other. We'd be lucky to even do holidays with our families at Christmas time. The problem with these feelings is that I have a bad habit of letting them escape at just the wrong moment. Like last night when Jacob called: We are talking about nothing in particular and he brings up his law school stuff and because I don't want to blurt out anything inappropriate, I get all quiet and what not. After we hang up, my mind begins to race and I think that maybe I should remind Jake that I am happy for him even though I get all weird on him. Well, that sort of exploded, and there we were texting in the middle of the night when normal people who have law school classes at 9AM the next day but no actual homework at the moment should be asleep. When this happens, it usually means that I get all stupid and text long messages while sitting in my apartment either crying or fuming about the situation. This time I was crying. It was ugly. And as usual, what I call my "Girlfriend Guilt"  kicked in and I couldn't sleep. The "Girlfriend Guilt" is this feeling I get when I get overly emotional and feel like I've been a crappy girlfriend for putting Jake through it.  The truth is that I really shouldn't do that to him. I know how much pressure he's under right now, and I know how hard it is to be applying for law school, doing Mock Trial, and taking difficult classes. Its not fair of me to add my emotional crap on top of that. I'm going to do my level best to stop doing that to him. I love him too much to be stupid enough to make life difficult.

I know I should focus on what time we do have to spend together, which is already fairly limited. I want to make the most of it, but its really hard to do when you get a date or lunch meeting or random hello every three weeks or more. There are only so many we can do on a Friday or Saturday night in the Boro. We've gone bowling more times than I can count, and that's fun. We've seen plenty of movies (I keep the ticket stubs cause I'm freak), and that's also fun. But I'm a memories kind of girl, and I want desperately to have some memories to look back on someday. I want memories of my life with the man I love. I don't want to look like back and say "those were the years when all we got were text messages and phone calls." I don't to look back and have to say "those were the years when we never saw each other." I want a little romance, which seems a bit pathetic but whatever. I don't how we're gonna make those memories, but I want to make them and will. You see, I'm a fighter, always have been. I know what I want, and I'm gonna have it. I just predict that my camera is about to see a lot of action.