Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Ladies and Gentleman of the reading audience, it breaks my heart to put this into words, and I will do this without using quotes from the actual conversation, simply because I care too much about the other half of this issue to humiliate him or hurt him.

The Jake and Nic show is over, canceled abruptly like Fox cancelled Firefly. It was not mutual, but maybe somewhere down the road, they will get signed for another season, (If I'm lucky anyway). I'm not holding out a great of hope because he seems to have made up his mind. So this will be my last entry tagged Jake and Nic unless a miracle happens. This how we got where we are. Apparently, he was feeling off about us, and being the inexperienced one he didn't tell me, and then last night when I finally get worried he calls and tells me that our spark is gone, that he no longer feels the way he did about me. I had to take off my ring and start changing all my stuff around. Needless to say that so far my weekend is dominated by tears and insane hopes and then more tears. I don't understand how you can be fine one month, and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Something had to go wrong, and I want to fix it. I love him, dear readers, and I love him more than I probably should if he doesn't love me (or if he doesn't think he loves me, if that's the case). I love him so much that it hurts. He still has my heart, and I don't want it back at all. In the year and three months we were together, I was the happiest I'd been in five or so years. Nothing fit so perfectly, not even the ex who I once thought that I loved. Nothing was as right as things were when there was an us. I want the chance to rekindle our spark, because if it went out it can be relit. Maybe he doesn't want me anymore though, maybe he's given up. I don't know, but I don't want to just be friends. I don't want have to go back to August and September 2008 when Jake and Nic were friends. I want to make a new start. Maybe we just need time, time apart to grow a little, time apart to realize what we had. Maybe we need a break, but I don't want that break to be permanent. I don't know, but I don't want this to mean the end.

I'm afraid, afraid I did something wrong. I'm afraid that I somehow became unattractive to him. I'm afraid that my personality changed and pushed him away. I'm afraid that me being crazy lately somehow drove him away. I'm afraid that I made a  bad impression on his family, that they didn't like me. I'm afraid my family scared him off (which is also something Mama is afraid of). And most of all I'm afraid that the fact that he's super involved in church and I can't be right now made him decided that it wasn't right. I was trying so hard to be involved and that's part of why I went to Gatlinburg with him. I was finally ready to do that. I wanted some much to be a part of that in his life, and I'm afraid that I didn't show him enough. I'm afraid that he thought that I didn't want to be a part of it and so we couldn't be together. I'm afraid we started moving too fast and that scared him. I'm afraid that's my fault, that because it kept coming up and I was dumb enough to think that it should. I'm afraid the distance messed things up for us. I'm afraid that I have lost the one man I love. But I don't want to lose him. It would be wrong to give up on someone like this.

I just understand how the feeling can just be gone all of a sudden. I don't understand how he could give up on us after we've been through so much already, after we'd come so far. Maybe I should just give up too, but I can't do that. I don't care about this distance or the difficulties. I don't care about the future right now or settling down or log houses or pugs or bulldogs or first apartments or any of that. I care about laughing over not being good at bowling. I care about holding hands and running from the rain. I care about Peter Pan and Tinkerbell in the parking lot after a ridiculous exam. I care about seeing movies about food when we're starving then getting milkshakes and burgers. Maybe that's what we need to get back to now. I don't know how, but I do know what I want. I'd like to get back to that happy place, with laughter, smiles, and flirting. I think we can, and I think that it would take some work. But I think that if we really cared and really tried, we could do it, provided that he hasn't already found someone to replace me. I love him, readers, and I want to get him back.

The lines from this song is playing in my head over and over: