Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Last post I talked about making progress, well yesterday while working out I did some thinking. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I was thinking about how things have gone in my life, especially my size and body image. It's been a different sort of progression for me because honestly I would've thought that by now I would be more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was in the middle school years, though I went to a K-8 school, I was fairly comfortable. I was a tall girl, which isn't a great thing, but I was also sort of slim, but not skinny. My main issues were that I had scars, wore glasses, didn't have the coolest clothes, and that my parents wouldn't allow me to wear make up or shave my legs. I was not concerned with my weight, nor was anyone else considering that I played sports and was an active kid. I managed to get through those years without much concern really, even though I had friends who were on diets their doctors had put them on and who had eating issues in a way that I did not. I mentioned once or twice wanting to lose weight, simply because I had friends who were trying to do it, but in reality, as long as I kept playing sports, I could eat what I wanted and not get much bigger. And this continued for me up into my freshman year of high school. By the end of my freshman year I was still not concerned about my body image, other than my hair and skin really, and I had shot up nearly 6 inches and gained 15 pounds or so. Everything sort of evened out on my body because I was so tall. But that year was the last time I was required to take gym and life got too busy for me to keep up with sports and things.

My sophomore year I joined the theater kids, and the phrase "I can't I have rehearsal" became a huge part of my vocabulary. Slowly but surely I started to gain weight, and being so busy I just sort of ignored the fact. But then junior year rolled around and I was a "Drama II" which meant I was part of the primary acting company, so to speak. It meant that I did a lot more and had a lot more rehearsal because the Drama IIs were more than just extras in the shows. It also meant that I had to change in the dressing rooms on a regular basis, and it was becoming fairly obvious to me that I was not small at all. I began to dread changing costumes among my fellow women. I felt like a huge blimp around them, and that continued into my senior year of high school, when I dreaded prom dress shopping to some extent because I knew how hard it would be. Eventually though I did accept that I was not going be small ever again because I was built wide and tall, and that it was in my genes; I would only ever be able to be fit and curvy.

College hit, and I did in fact gain the horrifying freshman 15. It sort of happened when I wasn't looking. But in the process, I joined mock trial and was once again faced with the knowledge that I was surrounded by these sort of small girls. I found myself feeling awkward around them because they were all cute and little and I was big and gawky and gross. There came a time when I had a coach pull me aside and took me into his office and implied that next to my small, slender female co-counsel I was huge; I have never forgotten that, though I'm sure that he has, and it changed the way I saw myself in the court room. I felt like a massive vulture in my black suit and heels looming in the court room. I was always bigger than my fellow female attorneys, and while it shouldn't have mattered, it did. I kept it to myself, but it bothered me to know that I was the huge one. I felt like I would always be the fat and ugly attorney at the table, and it was crazy. I was definitely not the good looking attorney.

That brings me to where I am now. I am a 22 year old law student who is 5 foot 6 inches tall and way heavier than she would like to be. I am still not quite comfortable in my own skin; I get sort of unsettled when I notice people looking at me while I'm working out. But I'm getting a bit better. I have days when I feel great, especially after a really good work out. I may never be a size 2, but I will never be that 19 year old girl in her coach's office being told that she looks huge next to her co-counsel again.