Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans

Nic Reads #1: Kushiel’s Dart

2012-01-05T10:31:00.001-05:00

One of my goals for this year is to read one hundred books; Kushiel’s Dart is the first among them. I will be tracking my progress on GoodReads, and I am going to make a conscious effort to broaden my reading horizons. And now, without further ado, here is my first review.

I've read a great many reviews of this book, and many of them were very off-putting. They all said the same things; sex seems thrown in at random, the writing is repetitive, Phedre is a whiner, word choice is very poor. I will admit that Carey abuses the word phallus as if it is the only word she knows for male genitalia, and I also freely admit that Phedre was an initially whiny narrator who can get rather repetitive. The book does start off slow, as Phedre provides an information dump that lays out her parentage and explains the Houses, but once she reaches the age of ten, the story begins to pick up and move at a decent pace. However, none of this deterred my enjoyment of the novel.

I particularly liked that Phedre wasn’t your typical heroine; she isn’t a princess locked in a tower who picks up a blade to defend her home, and she isn’t a girl masquerading as a man in order to fight. From the beginning she is completely honest about who and what she is, and I loved that about her character. She is a woman, through and through; she is a courtesan, in a world full of finery and pretty that hides darkness. Behind the beauty and sensuality of her world and lifestyle lurks treachery and danger, and Phedre uses her wits and her skills to survive.

I thoroughly enjoyed the refreshing change of having a female protagonist whose sexuality and femininity was empowering and important; so often we see female characters tossing aside their femininity to masquerade as men or having their femininity treated as a weakness. Sexuality is rarely portrayed as a good thing, and there is often a great deal of shame thrust upon openly sexual female characters. Such is not the case here. Instead Phedre's sexuality is embraced and is in fact a powerful and important aspect of her character; having a hero who is a sexual masochist was daring, and I applaud Carey for being able to do so without turning Phedre into a slut. I was particularly impressed by the way that she humanized Phedre and showed both the positive and negative sides of her life as anguissette, especially when she was forced to become a bed slave.

The sex scenes were well done and were handled in a tastefully, though those that were graphic in detail are not for the faint of heart, Phedre's experience with Melisande and the flechettes for example; many of the scenes were simply fade to black, implying what took place instead of spelling it out in graphic detail. None of her encounters seemed thrown in for the sake of adding eroticism to the novel, and each served a purpose toward forwarding the story and developing Phedre as a character. Even her relationships with others, especially her companion Joscelin, are shaped by these encounters, and by allowing Phedre to be trained as an extremely keen observer, Carey is able to show us how other characters' views are shaped by Phedre's role as courtesan and spy.

Often with first person narratives, the protagonist is developed at the expense of other characters, but such was not the case here; through Phedre's keen observations we are able to learn a great deal about the individuals she encounters. Her friends and companions, as well as her teachers and enemies, were well developed, and because the reader learned about them as she did, the development felt more natural and less like an unceremonious information dump.

The world building in the novel is exquisite, and Carey creates a world of both beauty and darkness; it is fairly obvious that she is building using Europe as a base, with her primary location of Terre d’Ange being based in France. A good world build is as important to me as good character development, and Carey does not disappoint. The D’Angelines have a rich culture with a religion based upon angels fallen from grace, all following an angel known as Elua; The central idea behind their religion is “Love as thou wilt” embraces sex as a spiritual act and not just a physical one, and Carey does an excellent job of handling this idea without turning it into a tawdry idea of sex everywhere.

I do wish to address what many have complained is the pedobear seal of approval on this book, in that children are accepted into the Houses at the age of ten, where they are trained to become courtesans. Do I approve of the sexualization of children? No. However, one must remember that this is a fantasy novel, set in a time period that harkens back the medieval period; children matured much faster during that time due to shorter life expectancies. Also, since the primary focus of the tale is Phedre’s journey it is important to remember that she is brought into the Delaunay house at ten, but she does not begin her training to become a courtesan until she is fourteen when she dedicates herself as a servant of Namaah; she does not lose her virginity until she is sixteen.

The novel was rich in detail, and while normally I am turned off by first person narratives, Phedre was an engaging narrator for the most part; she does begin as sort of a whiny brat, but as she matures, so does her voice, making her more relatable. The political intrigue can be very dense and hard to follow, and I found myself wishing I had taken note of which characters were enemies and which characters were allies. Kushiel's Dart is an engaging and lush novel, filled with intriguing characters and sharp plot twists and narrated by a unique and captivating woman who's emotional growth rings true.

I am a terrible blogger who never updates

2011-12-20T15:56:00.001-05:00

Vain and Gratuitous Picture to update you on my appearance (edited in photoshop out of boredom)

But the problem with a blog when you have no life is that you have nothing to write about. Most of the time my life consists of playing in Photoshop, occasionally writing on novels that may never be finished, tons of reading, and cooking (lots and lots of cooking). Just a reminder, I talk about my culinary adventures at A Taste of Joy, and I promise to update that blog more often. In fact, my goal is to blog more from now on, and hopefully I can manage that.

Before I start with the updates on what little has transpired in the life of Nic, let me begin by saying that this blog will hopefully become a lot more interesting. I’m not going to be blogging about major political issues or anything like that, though I may talk about important issues that have been on my mind a lot, but I am going to hopefully talk more about life as I experience it. This includes blogging about the books I read, the movies I see, things I see, and things that happen in my life. Whether or not that will be interesting or worth reading is yet to be determined, but writing used to be a great outlet for me; I intend to let it be that again. So on with the blogging.

Personal Updates First

In October I wrote about how sick my Nanny was, and near the end of that month she passed away. The ultimate cause of her passing was kidney failure, but the cause of her health issues was never really determined; they think that it was a very rare and incurable neurological disorder related to ALS, but there is no way to be certain. Her death has been hard on everyone, but it has been hardest on my mother, who was so close to her. Family drama, which I will not discuss, only made matters worse, and now that the holidays are here everything is so much harder. We paint on smiles and go through each day, but it isn’t easy; I know that eventually it will get better, but right now it is terribly hard to believe that.

The added stress and emotional baggage had made other things more difficult; during the time my Nanny was ill my health and fitness goals, as well as my law school aspirations were shelved. I’m pretty sure I gained at least twenty or so pounds, probably more, of the weight I had lost, and stress made me physically ill. I didn’t eat well, and I didn’t sleep; I still don’t sleep well. However, I have managed to get somewhat back on track, and when the weather permits again (It’s been raining or freezing for weeks and weeks) I will start running; I’ve dropped two pant sizes, and I can now wear size 11 jeans. You should have seen the ridiculous dance I did in the dressing room when I discovered this revelation. My goal is to be down to maybe a size eight, which is reasonable for a woman of my height and build, by the time I re-enter law school.

On the law school front, things are akin to pulling teeth. I’ve rewritten my personal statement twice, and I will probably rewrite it again. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact L-Ville in hopes of getting my transcript and letter of good standing, but so far I’ve had no luck. Further, I still need to work on applications in general, and I am finding myself more and more disappointed by the fact that I only really have two options for law schools in TN. But I will power through somehow.

Reading Updates

As I mentioned earlier, I have been doing a lot of reading, and you can find my Goodreads updates both on my sidebar and by visiting my account. I’m open to book recommendations and friends there. I plan to blog more about my literary adventures, including reviews of sorts of the books I’m reading.

Currently I am halfway through a re-read of George R.R. Martin’s A Game of Thrones so that I can move on to reading A Clash of Kings, and it’s one of those books that is so dense and rich that reading it a second time gives you more to love. Let me take a moment to talk about this book in general, without giving away too much, and then when I’ve finished I will write an actual review.

Martin’s writing style is very heavy, and he tends to be very wordy; however, for me that is not a deterrent so long as the story continues to move forward at a decent pace, which for the most part he does. He has a sort of Joss Whedon wickedness about him, in that you will fall in love with characters only to have them viciously taken from you via death. But his characters are deliciously human, and even the villains are realistic. I absolutely love that there are characters to love, characters you’ll love to hate, and characters you find yourself cheering for despite misgiving. The story rotates through their various points of view, which can be very daunting, and some of his chosen narrators leave a lot to be desired (I’m looking at you Sansa Stark, you little simpering whiner); however, each narrator weaves a brilliant portion of the overall tapestry, bringing their subplots and motivations.

The world is richly developed, and while there are underlying elements of high fantasy (dragons, direwolves, magic, and the mysterious Others), the fantasy aspect is cleverly worked into the overall story without bombarding the reader. It is not a book for the squeamish or those uncomfortable with sex, violence, and death, but I highly recommend it for fantasy lovers who want something thick and detailed to feed a need for heroes and villains.
Other books I’m reading:

Eona by Allison Goodman
Brisingr by Christopher Paolini
Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey

Writing Updates

The only update I have for now is that I have two mapped out but unfinished barely started novels. One is a futuristic dystopian work called NeverWonder and the other is a historical fantasy work that has yet to be named.

With Tears in My Eyes

2011-10-14T14:30:00.000-04:00

When you are a child you don’t realize how much more there is to losing a loved one than their death. You don’t see the extent of the sickness if they are ill or the difficult choices about medical treatment and care. You only know that your loved one is gone. Being an adult and dealing with it is so much more difficult. I’m learning that now as I sit here, blogging from the hospital room where my Nanny, a woman who has been a very large part of my life, is slowly dying. My Nanny is possibly suffering from a very rare degenerative neurological disease called Atypical Motor Neuron Disease; it is incurable and will eventually claim her life. This has really affected my family, especially my mom who was always close to her mother, and that tears me apart because I am very close to my mom, to the point that I will go to blows with people who mess with her. The family drama that is happening due to crappy relatives only makes this worse.

Right now, as I sit here, my Nanny is dehydrated and a bit emaciated because she cannot eat due to her inability to swallow and she made it very clear that she did not want anything invasive like feeding tubes; my mom and I come and stay at the hospital almost everyday, and early in the week we were actually sleeping at the hospital because we weren’t sure she was going to last the night. We are practically living in the hospital room at the moment. The sad thing is that, while we don’t want a pat on the back or anything, no one seems to appreciate the way we are sacrificing and suffering, and instead either we are ignored or it is implied that we are doing this out of a guilty conscience. We have nothing to be guilty about because we have always taken care of Nanny and been there for her. So all of the drama that is happening on top of my mom losing her mother. Soon I will only have her recipes and the memory of her voice, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I love my Nanny, and I will miss her so much; I already miss her. That is why I’ve made up my mind that the bakery and sweets shop I plan to eventually have will be called “A Taste of Joy” in honor of Barbara Joy Smith, my Nanny, the woman who opened my eyes and introduced me to the joy of cooking.

When I was younger, only about eight or so, I lost my Granddaddy to lung cancer, and I remember only understanding that he was gone. And when I lost my Pa and then my Papa within a few months of each other I was in high school; I was not involved in the decision making process or any of the drama that happened afterward. Now it is entirely different. There are people who must must be called and choices about her care, and most of that is falling to us; the problem is that those who don’t want to make the choices are not happy with the choices we make. It is a painful vicious cycle, and it feels like we simply cannot win. And while I know there is no real victory here, I simply wish there was a way to make things better for my mom, who is suffering because she is losing her mother. I wish my family hadn’t lost their ever loving minds and decided that this is the perfect moment to stir up drama and cause fights, and I wish that we could have peace in this family for once because it is something my Nanny has always dreamed about.

I don’t know where this came from

2011-07-19T09:18:00.001-04:00

I guess I’ve been thinking too much again. I’ve all but given up on ever getting to be with Jake, although I miss him terribly; I still do not know what happened, and I still wonder if he left because I was a mess. I can be so harsh and abrasive, and I’m a mass of contradictions and trouble; I came with baggage and damage because the one person who’d promised me forever lied to me, cheated on me, and never had the courage to actually end the relationship, and I got scared a lot. Sometimes I feel like I was way more trouble than I was worth. I know I should move on because that would be the wise decision, the strong choice, but I have yet to get over him, even though it has been well over a year since he said it was over. My heart still break when he crosses my mind, and there are times when I need to hear his voice telling me it’s alright, and I know that can’t happen.

It seems others haven’t given up hope; my mother swears that he’s going to come back, though I find that hard to believe. She says that he still loves me, but I highly suspect that she is simply saying things to make me feel better; I’m sure that he’s moved on, and I hope he is happy. He is good man, and he will make some very lucky woman very happy; I hope whoever that woman is, she is grateful and kind and loving because he deserves that. My grandmama, who fell in love with him the moment she met him, is convinced that I will turn around and there he’ll be; she firmly believes that I just have to be patient and he’ll be back. I don’t think so. A tiny part of me still hold out hope that he will call me or show up, and I occasionally have these stupid heartbreaking dreams where there’s a knock at my door and I open it to find him standing there, waiting. I’m sure that someone else has come into his life, someone less damaged and crazy, and he’s happy. She probably swears less than I do, and she’s probably more of a lady than I’ll ever be. I think my nanny still secretly hopes that he will come back because he was smart and funny and well mannered and everything a good Southern man should be.

I will admit that there were times when the only bright spot in my day was the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone or a text message saying hi; no matter how crappy my day was, he could make me smile. I could be crying and miserable, and he’d make it better. I have moments, when I’m in tears and falling apart, that I reach for my phone and have to remind myself that I can’t call him, that he won’t answer, and he certainly will not come and kiss my tears away. I miss his smile, his laugh, the way he had so much faith in us and in God and in everything; I miss the way he held me tight, and I miss the way he’d sing in my ear when I was feeling terrible about myself. I miss the way he understood me better than anyone else, and he knows more about me than anyone else in the world; I shared all of myself with him. I just miss him. (I know you probably aren’t reading this, Jake, but on the off chance you are, I miss you, and I still love you.)

I’m trying hard not miss him so much because missing someone who isn’t interested in you is pointless, but it isn’t working. I’m trying not to wish we were still together, but it’s almost impossible. When he walked out of my life, I lost my best friend, which sounds really cheesy, but it’s true.

Problematic

2011-05-30T23:10:00.001-04:00

Guess who’s size thirteen jeans are getting to big? Ok, so I guess that sounds like a ridiculous thing to brag about, but for me the fact that my jeans are too big and that I needed to get a tighter belt is a huge victory. I hadn’t been paying much attention to my progress, mainly because I haven’t had time or really been out in public worried about my appearance. Too busy with the remodel and website to care. However, I’m pleased to report that I am approximately one third of the way to my weight loss goal. I’ve lost thirty to thirty-five pounds, which only leaves me with about fifty to lose! I know that sounds like a tiny amount to brag about considering how much I need to lose, but I’m so excited by the fact that I’m making any progress at all.

I’ve taught myself to eat healthier and pay more attention to portion control; this means that I can eat less and still be full! To be honest, my dietary habits were pretty atrocious before, and a great deal of that has to do with the fact that as little kid my family sort of let me eat whatever I wanted. Part of being Southern is the idea that we bond over food; I tend to blame it on the scarcity that came from the War Between the States (That’s Rebel for Civil War). This leads to the fact that people expect me to eat a great deal more than I do now; I used to eat piles of food, and I’m pretty sure only my metabolism and active childhood kept me from becoming dangerously overweight. This fact brings me to my point.

It’s difficult for me to maintain my healthy diet and eating habits when I have my family breathing down my neck about me not eating enough. On more than one occasion it has been insinuated that I am starving myself to lose weight because I ate small portions, and suddenly people seem to notice when I refuse to eat things I don’t like because it makes my already small meals look smaller. Being constantly told that you don’t eat enough can be just as bad as being told that you eat too much.

An Effort to Get Back to Blogging (Or, Nic promises to write more)

2011-05-09T14:21:00.002-04:00

So it’s been a very long time since I updated this blog, and for that I apologize. (As if anyone is actually reading this anyway.) The problem with running a blog, an actual one and not my Tumblr, is that I have very little to talk about lately; I don’t like to write about my failure to get a job, even though that’s been pretty much the only thing happening for me. I hate this economy so much right now. I also don’t want to write about my continual emotional rollercoaster, mainly because it’s boring and definitely something no one would be interested in reading. I will however be blogging more often, no matter what that means, because I find writing to be cathartic and healthy.

This is Halloween (Just a Picture Post About Pumpkins)

2010-10-31T21:11:00.001-04:00

So as per usual, we carved pumpkins tonight, though instead of my father doing them, it was my brother and I. Here is a picture post detailing the carving.

The pumpkin that looks like it wants to eat you is my brother’s work, the slightly tipsy wobbly creation is mine. I decided to give him a bad eye.

The Difficulties of Blogging

2010-10-30T23:18:00.001-04:00

Blogging is hard; sometimes as badly as you’d like to write, you have nothing to say. And rambling about how your day sucked just doesn’t cut it. I honestly have had trouble coming up with things to write about lately. I hate to blab on and on about nothing, which is pretty much what is happening right now. I mean, I suppose I can give a brief update, but that’s about all I’ve got.

Halloween is Tomorrow: I’ve got two pumpkins and a ton of candy. I will carve the pumpkins some time tomorrow and hope that we get a few trick or treaters. There will probably be maybe ten I will have lots of leftover candy. Hopefully I’ll have pictures of the pumpkins.

NaNoWriMo Starts Monday: National Novel Writing Month! I am participating this year, and fingers are crossed that I actually pull this one off; I’m going to be working on Redemption.

I have a cooking blog: Check out my cooking adventures at The Sassy Southerner’s Kitchen.

Random Fandom: A Quick Update

2010-10-25T15:54:00.000-04:00

In the land of Nic there has been much unrest. Mostly due to the fact that the job market is for crap. I have resigned myself to looking at retail and temp work since I will not be working in law school. I got some well meaning but bad advice from people, and never got a job during school. "Focus on academics" they said. Well I did, and while my grades were very good, I have zero work experience; this adds to my difficulties in a fairly large way. The main problem around here is that no one is hiring, not even for part time. The temp agency show only jobs looking for two to three years of specific experience for the job. I guess I will just have to keep hunting.

The great sink hunt has come to an end, as has the hunt for a faucet; we ordered the sink this morning and it should be here soon. Operation remodel is about to commence and its going to be massive. Paint colors have been selected, as has the flooring and backsplashes. Everything has been picked out and slowly but surely we are collecting the supplies. It will not be long before the project actually begins. With the racing season coming to a close for my father, except for a reruning of the BG Combo early next month, there will be lots of tearing down and repair and making of messes.

Long Time No See (or Write)

2010-10-14T12:59:00.000-04:00

Fall has arrived, with weird hot and cold weather habits, and I am sitting here in my hoodie and jeans, sipping water, nibbling a nutrigrain bar, and listening to music. I realize that it has been well over two months since I last sat down at the laptop to write something for a post in this blog. I am ashamed. But I just haven't had much to write about really. Life has been boring and uneventful; all I've really done is some cleaning and work on applications for law school again. So here's watch you missed for the last two months:

The job market for law clerks and legal secretaries, which is pretty much the only reasonable paying job that a woman with a political science degree focused on pre-law and a year of law school under her belt is qualified for, is for crap. I know that is not an eloquent way to put it, but its the truth. I've called friends, family members, my doctor who has a whole family of lawyers, friends of my parents, and no one can afford to hire me. I've got a great resume (minus the lack of work experience), but I keep hearing the same thing over and over. My academics (minus last year) and extracurricular activities and skills make me marketable, but the economy makes me expensive apparently. Stupid economy, stupid job market, stupid times, my friends. So I am still jobless, despite all my attempts.

I am learning to code, and it's not as hard as I thought it would be. A lot of it is memorizing tags and where they belong, then common sense and trial and error to move and place things. Why am I doing this? Well, I got volunteered to build a website for my uncle's business, and, because it's family and there was a promise of a little fundage, I spent some of my amazon gift card money on two books on html and css. Becoming a code monkey, that's what I'm doing. I also got photoshop and illustrator, and I am attempting to learn to use them to make graphics. If anything I have managed to make something useful out of my free time.

I do believe that I have lost an inch or two in my hips because my size 13 jeans are just a bit droopy folks. My calves, oh my calves are a beautiful thing. They are tight and tones and strong. However, my midsection is still stubbornly refusing to shrink. (Well maybe it is and I just don't notice because I am angry with it for being so ridiculously chubby and slow to shape up) But I'm trying to be patient. As you know, patience in not and has never been one of my strong points. I am practicing portion control, and that's not easy. It is getting better because when I don't over eat I feel better and I'm getting to the point where I don't have to eat as much to be full. I am walking as often as possible, and jogging when I can. Lately the weather has been uncooperative and I've been kind of sick (weather change + Nic's allergies= no fun) But I am trying to get back on track.

After discovering the ridiculous amount of clutter stifling me in my little bedroom at Casa de 'Rents, I went on a cleaning spree. You see, we are finally going to begin the much anticipated remodel of the house, and its going to dominate my time. Walls are being repaired and painted, new wood flooring (no more carpet), new flooring in the bathrooms, new appliances and cabinets in the kitchen, and we are finally going to get the washer and dryer out of the kitchen area. That is all going to begin very soon, in fact, it will begin as soon as the small loan is processed, and that knowledge got me to thinking about my room, which was still full of boxes from my move back from L-Ville. I cleaned the room and started putting books away again, which is when I discovered that it was clear that my granddaddy had not anticipated the fact that I would be such a massive bibliophile when he built my bookshelf once upon a time. I had to actually redo the entire thing and store some books I never read, just to make room.

The only problem is that I will have to pack it all up again once I move out next year (Good Lord willing, I get into law school again). Which brings me to my final point. I am applying to only schools in TN, and hopefully I will get into the one in Nash-vegas so that I can either get into an apartment in the Boro or Nash-vegas instead of moving to Knox-vegas or Memphis; if this happens where ever I move will more than likely become a permanent residence for awhile, allowing me to stop being a nomad and settle into my own place. When this happens, I will get awesome cooking supplies, and I plan to start a cooking blog. I will still keep this one for personal blogging, but I will also run a blog devoted to my cooking adventures. Speaking of cooking, I think I am going to go have some fabulous tomato soup, now, out of a can of course.

Note from Nic: This blog is getting a fresh new look ASAP. It may stay black and white, but a new background and banner should be coming soon.

Gold Star and Setting Goals

2010-07-28T13:39:00.000-04:00

I am not the kind of woman who can just say "I'm going to lose this weight and lose these inches", and it just happen for me like magic. I don't have the metabolism and what not for that to be possible. I also get frustrated and discouraged about my body too easily. (I know, I know, but Nic you are always so fiercely defensive about being strong and confident.) So instead I have to work at it, a lot. I have to make myself exercise everyday; I don't have the luxury of saying "I don't feel like running today or going for a walk or lifting weights" and then picking it up the next day like I didn't cop out. I also have to motivate myself, especially because I am so impatient and easily discouraged. I have to set goals and really work to achieve them.

On a side note, among the things that do not motivate me: Bali Fitness commercials and the idea of going to the gym. Here's the deal, I honestly have a problem with body image. Not an extreme problem that causes me serious issues, but a problem. I do not like to go work out in public because every time I've gone to a gym or even a public work out area on a campus, I wind up surrounded by these trim, skinny women, and well, I get all uncomfortable. The idea that I am this huge fat pig sweating next to all these healthy, trim women, makes me feel disgusting, and I feel like I'm being stared at. I know that it's not the case, and I know that these other women probably have to work out and eat right just as much as I do to look like that. But the fact remains, I feel awkward and unpleasant. Bali Fitness Center commercials remind me of this problem, and thus, they also fail to motivate me. It's a flaw, and I'm working on it.

Back on track, I am working to motivate myself, and I do it mostly by setting goals and tracking my progress. I bought these little foil stars a long time ago for some stupid project, and I've still got a ton of them. The stars come in five colors: red, silver, blue, green and gold. I've got a calendar that hangs on my wall by my bed. These two things add up to part of my tracking system. I put a green star on days when I when I get out and either go for a run in the neighborhood or walk the neighborhood. I put a blue star on days when I also lift weights. There are silver stars when I increase my workout in some way, like walking or running a bit farther than usual. Gold stars are for days when I meet a goal.

So here are my current goals:

Lose fifteen to twenty pounds total by my birthday. That should equate to losing at least a pants/dress size.
Lose thirty to thirty-five pounds total by October. That should get me down at least two or three pants/dress sizes
Lose the forty to fifty pounds total that I need to lose to be down to a healthy weight for my height and bone structure by the end of the year.

Establishing Ground Rules

2010-07-24T20:20:00.001-04:00

Well ladies and gentlemen of my readership, what few you are, today is the day I stop procrastinating and start getting healthy. I know I've said it a thousand times, but this time I mean it. This time it's become a neccessity, and it's going to be a priority. I know that this seems melodramatic, but my dear readers, I have had it with hating my reflection. Once upon a time I was merely out of shape, now I am down right fat. I am angry and disappointed in myself for ever letting it get this far. The time had come to stop letting my hips, waist, butt, and thighs expand. I am 22 almost 23 years old for heaven’s sake. There is no excuse for me looking like this. None at all. So I'm going to set some rules, just some basic things for me to remember.

Rule One: No more excuses for not working out or doing some sort of exercise. No more of this it's too hot outside to go for a run or a walk. Even if I'm cramping so badly that I want to cry, I will do some sort of exercise.

Rule Two: No more of this nuerotic obsession with certain parts of my body. I'm going to think of this not as "Holy mother, I need to shrink my huge thighs and chubby stomach", but instead I will think of this as I need to trim down all over and get healthy. I know that I need to lose wait, but instead of focusing on OMG FATNESS, I'm going to focus on getting into shape.

Rule Three: No more being a snack/treat nazi to myself. Instead of swearing off all sweets and all snacks (which only makes me run out and binge when I get the chance), I'm going to think of it as a reward. I worked out and got something done today, so I can have a piece of cake or a cookie or a candy. As for snacks, I will have a snack between dinner and supper, but only then, instead of saying no snacks ever.

Rule Four: I will only measure my waist, hips, and chest once every two weeks. I will not focus simply pounds lost, but rather on inches lost. This is not just about losing fat; it's about rebuilding muscle. I will measure success by dropping pants, dress, and shirt sizes, and not just on dropping 30 plus pounds.

Cooking With Nic: All-Bran Muffins

2010-07-16T12:42:00.001-04:00

WARNING: This post will be image heavy

It's been awhile, but I figured I would show off my awesome baking adventure. This morning I made All-Bran Muffins. (Yes, that's All-Bran like the cereal) These fabulous muffins are something my grandmother makes, and for awhile I thought they were some secret R family recipe. But nope, they are actually from a recipe my Grandmother found on the box one time and she adds raisins and nuts to the mix. These muffins are fantastic because they are very healthy and very filling.

So I present to you All-Bran muffins:

The Recipe

The Ingredients

Soak the cereal in milk

Mix the dry ingredients

The cereal soaks for five minutes or until very soft

Beat the eggs and butter into the cereal till smooth, then stir in the nuts, raisins and dry till combined

Into the muffin pans, mixture will be very thick and heavy

Fresh from the oven

The tops will be round by not really smooth

Tops of the muffins are slightly cracked

Lesson learned from today's baking adventure: disposable foil muffin tins are not a good idea for these because the muffins are heavy. Also, these muffins will explode when they hit the floor hot because they are soft.

Short Summer Update

2010-06-23T17:25:00.000-04:00

I am such a terrible blogger; I haven't updated sufficiently in ages because that Peter Pan post totally does not count. Lagging to no internet connection and nothing interesting to write about leaves me little in the way of content. Anyway, I am sitting here now, with the internet working much better, feeling my shoulders tighten slightly. Yesterday Erica and I took her daughter, Kaylyn, to the lake to go swimming. Have I mentioned just how much I love that little girl? Technically I'd be considered a second cousin, but because she really doesn't have an aunt, I am Aunt Nic (well, Aunt Laura because that's my first name). There are no pictures because its impossible to take pictures when you are up to your neck in lake water and getting splashed by a one year-old. She loves the water, and we spent about an hour pushing her float around and letting her play. I didn't get much tanning in, just burned my shoulders a bit. By this weekend, my shoulders will be all brown though. Nothing else to report except that I now sell Mark. Cosmetics.

VISIT MY MARK STORE

“Second to the right, and straight on till morning”

2010-05-28T23:11:00.001-04:00

“The way I flew? Do you know, Jane, I sometimes wonder whether I ever did really fly” “Yes, you did.” “The dear old days when I could fly!” “Why can’t you fly now, mother?” “Because I am grown up, dearest. When people grow up they forget the way.” “Why do they forget the way?” “Because they are no longer gay and innocent and heartless. It is only the gay and innocent and heartless who can fly.” ~Peter Pan, pg 222

In case you didn’t catch it the title and opening quotes are in reference to Peter Pan and the location of Neverland. It’s sad but Peter Pan made me realize how jaded and cynical I’ve become. We read it for my children’s lit class, Children’s Fantasy Fiction, back in undergrad, and I bawled at the end when Wendy had forgotten how to fly because she grew up. I’ve grown up too… I don’t remember how to fly anymore. And when Peter said he’d teach her how again, but she told him not to waste his fairy dust on her, I almost died. I won’t ever fly again. I’ve grown up and forgotten and can’t be retaught. I’ll never remember; I’ll have but fond memories of the days when I could. I want to fly away to Neverland and fight pirates with Peter… that sounds good right now. I want to remember how to get there and how to fly. Long ago I used to fight pirates with Peter. I used to go to Neverland and play with the Lost Boys. I want to go back there. “Second to the right, and straight on till morning” That’s where I’ll go.

But the point of this entry is that I know that many people have forgotten how to fly. They’ve stopped believing, and that’s very sad. I clapped loudest when I watched the play; I clapped for Tinker Bell, who I believed in with all my heart. But lately I’ve come to realize that my clapping has grown softer, my innocence has faded away. People all around me have stopped clapping; they’ve stopped believing, and that is a tragedy. They’ve forgotten Neverland and Peter, and Neverland is childhood and hope. Whether you believe it or not, J.M. Barrie was right. We all know Neverland and Peter; we all flew away with him and fought pirates and redskins and played with the Lost Boys, and eventually we all flew home and grew up. “On these magical shores children at play are for ever beaching their coracles. We too have been there; we can still hear the sound of the surf, though we shall land no more.” The main problem is that we will never land on the shores of that dreadful paradise again, where adventure would sweep us away, and we would be free and innocent. Neverland is not a safe place all the time, and our companion Peter Pan is careless and cruel at times, but it is a paradise to be certain.

Maybe it is that we grow up too fast now, achieving adulthood and abandoning Neverland before we should. Forgetting our old adventures as we discover the troubles and difficulties of adult responsibilities, which are much more difficult to battle than the pirates of our youth. Once upon a time we fought pirates and redskins, we defeated Captian Hook and watched as he fell to the crocodile. But we don’t remember that; we don’t remember Tiger Lily or the Neverbird. We’ve forgotten. And I cry for us, for our past. I do not wish to be Peter, who is still a little boy, but I do wish I could remember how to fly, just once, and head back to Neverland for another adventure.

Deep within us, there is a sprinkle of fairy dust and a happy thought, and that will let us fly. In the shadows there is a boy in a garment of green playing the pipes or brandishing a dagger. He’s crying as he tries to stick his shadow back on with soap or perhaps he’s crowing with glee and delight. Some night while you are sitting in your room, you’ll hear a crow and the window will blow open and a boy will drop in on the floor. He will be the same as ever, and he will have all his first teeth. Now he might forget you from time to time, but you mustn’t forget him, for he will come back eventually. He is a careless little boy. Peter doesn’t change, we do. But if you listen closely you can hear him whispering to you.

“Just always be waiting for me, and some night you will hear me crowing.”

Did the universe just press a reset button?

2010-05-28T00:36:00.000-04:00

So this is a difficult post, but I promised myself that I would write about everything. So here goes. Sometimes in life we make choices that we think are right but in the end turn out to be wrong. Sometimes what we think is the smart move turns out to be a mistake. I am experiencing that now. I got a letter, in June of last year, telling me that I had been accepted to law school in L-ville; after much deliberation I decided to go, even though it was not where I really wanted to attend. At the time most people were encouraging me, and there was always an opportunity to transfer later. So I packed up my life and made the long drive up north; I left my family, my friends, and Jake. I thought I could do it, that even if the situation was difficult and unpleasant, I could power through three years. I was wrong. It was a mistake. I started feeling out of place almost immediately. The minute I started talking and folks sort of stared because I had a funny accent and used strange colloquialisms. I didn't belong there, but I took a deep breath and held my head high, pretended that I didn't need to feel comfortable. I was wrong. I knew something wasn't right, but I tried desperately to power through it. That was a mistake. Leaving was a mistake. I was so unbelievably wrong. Do I regret it? No. I firmly believe that regret does nothing for you. No regrets, just lessons learned. So what now? I guess this is a year of no school for me, which means hunting a job and paying my loans. Hopefully, things will settle again, and I will figure all this out.

I made a huge mistake, and it had so not so pleasant consequences; it feels like right now God is giving me a reset, taking me back to before this happened. Not a rewind or restart, but a fresh start. I need that. I know, short entry is short, but I don't really feel like writing in length about this subject.

Playing Catch Up

2010-05-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

Random Headshot on a Good Hair and Makeup Day

I am sitting here looking around at the boxes that hold my life. That's sounds funny, but its true. Exams are over, and I am packing up the apartment to move back to the Boro for the summer. My lease is up on the eighth, and I'm moving out either Wednesday or Thursday. Mama is drivin' up to help, which is awesome, especially since there is no way that all my junk is going to fit into one Blazer. I was going to move this afternoon, but the flooding happening everywhere makes that impossible. I'm not going to write about packing though. Instead I'm just going to do a stream of thought entry about all the things that have been on my mind, and maybe I'll throw in a brief note on my plans for the summer.

I am not the woman I was several months ago when I came to Louisville, and that is both a good and bad thing. Back in August when I arrived in L-ville I was wide-eyed, ambitious, and excited. Law school was an adventure I'd been looking forward to for a very long time. It became complicated the second day of orientation when I soon discovered that my accent was a great deal stonger than most of the people there, and I was definitely a little fish in a great big pond. I got the feeling I was out of place. And it was a brand new experience. I was two hundred miles away from everything thing I loved and everyone. It was frightening and exhilerating all at once. As an undergraduate I could handle most of my classes in my sleep, and I balanced everything relatively easily. I was a mock trial captain and a college senior facing three years of more work than I could imagine, but I could handle it. Law school isn't easy, not at all; I have to work three times as hard as I used to, and I was on my own. Living on my own is not the difficult part; its the being absolutely alone, isolated from everyone and everything I am close to, that made life unpleasant. Even Jake and I felt the strain, and at that point, our relationship was still going strong. In December, my grades were not great, and, I knew I was here for the next two years. Things weren't weren't smooth anymore. And then I thought they were getting better, and I was wrong. I don't have Jake anymore, and that breaks my heart; I threw myself into working, outlines, case briefs, and learning the law, anything to keep my mind off what I'd lost. It hasn't really worked, and now the semester is over. I am leaving my first year of law school, and I am not really going back to the Boro the same woman. I feel like I've lost some of my strength, some of my spark. I'm all jaded and even more cynical than I was when I came here. I've lost some of my confidence, some of what made me, Nic. This summer I hope I can get some of that back.

This summer I am also going to lose this weight. I looked in the mirror after my shower the other day, and my reflection made me want to cry. I'm fat, and its disgusting. This is not a "I hate the way I look cause I can't wear skinny jeans"; this is a "I've gotten so big that it's unhealthy and disgusting, and I have to do something about it" thing. I'm not saying that the break up caused the weight gain, but I really started to gain all this weight after it happened. I guess its because I had nothing to do but work; its not an excuse at all though. I shouldn't have let this happen to me. I should've kept in shape; I should've taken better care of myself. I was pretty much wallowing, and it does not suit me well. I'm angry at myself, and I'm disappointed in what I have done to myself. I have to fix this; I look terrible and feel just as bad. I can't stand it any more.

The idea for this summer is to catch up on my reading, do some writing, get a job for the summer in the Boro, work on jewelry, and practice with my camera. It's not exactly the summer I was so looking forward to when the semester started, but I will make the best of it.

I'm Alive... I Promise

2010-04-26T08:53:00.000-04:00

Random Shot to Prove I am Still Alive

I am alive; I'm just completely busy with finals. After Friday, finals will be over, and I will attempt to write up an actual entry. Well, I say attempt because I've also got to pack up the Shoebox. My lease runs out on the 8th, and I will be back in the Boro for the summer.

Springing to Life

2010-04-13T12:27:00.000-04:00

A Secret from Post Secret Back in February

The weather was beautiful yesterday, mild and clear and sunny, and its pretty much the same today. It really feels like Spring outside, and if it weren't for all the studying I have to do, I would definitely spend my time outside, taking pictures, and soaking in the beauty of it all. I hate to admit it, but this Yankee city (and this Yankee campus) is really nice right now. I know that L-ville is not exactly NYC-northern, but its definitely not the South. I had to explain what yonder means to someone today at lunch. Back on topic. I love Spring (I know I also said I love Fall and I do); it's a great season, minus all the rain and allergies. I think for me Spring represents something wonderful, and that's why I love it so much. Spring is rebirth, renewal, a ressurection; everything seems to come back to life. Flowers are in bloom, trees are beginning to green up, and the world seems to waking up from a long sleep. I think that it makes sense that Easter is at the beginning of Spring; the Resurrection of Jesus coincides with the rebirth of nature. I am trying to let this season renew me. I am trying to let it give me hope. I believe in miracles, and I believe that somethings are just meant to be. I believe that life and love can be like nature. Sometimes it takes a winter to bring about a spring. This is a really short entry, and I apologize. But there is an almost finished CivPro outline demanding to be finished.

Of Jacob and Rachel (or Have a Little Faith)

2010-04-08T00:35:00.000-04:00

Contemplating the Mysteries of the Universe (Or Maybe Just Thinking About Who I Am)

After reading an entry from one of my favorite blogs, Nat the Fat Rat, I feel rather inspired. Nat is inspiring because of her faith, her wit, her honesty, and her unending and true love for her husband; she is reading the Old Testament, and her latest entry about the women of Genesis got me to thinking. She found a connection with Rachel and so have I, but we have different reasons. So dear readers, here is another more personal entry at Chipped Polish & Wornout Jeans. The concept of "Let go and just let God" is not foreign to me, and its not a difficult concept to understand. However, it is a difficult thing for me to execute. The ideas that everything happens for a reason, what's meant to be always finds a way, and God has a plan are also not difficult for me. This brings me to the thoughts bouncing around in my head right now. I have always believed that I am the kind of woman who will not get things handed to me; I know that I may always have to fight for what I want. I can handle that. But sometimes life and the universe throw me curves, and I feel like I swing and miss. Lately I've felt like that a lot more than usual. So I've taken a step back, and I'm looking at all of this with fresh eyes. I take hope that God will remember me, and He will eventually put things together as they should be. Maybe it won't be with Jake, but I hope it will.

You see, I had a realization, one Sunday as I sat with Jake in the front pews of his church; he stood up to go lead the next song, and as we all I stood, I realized that God had picked him out for me to be with. And so I prayed that God would help me do what it took to stay with him, and to make me the kind of woman Jake deserves. I pray now that He will help to save my relationship, though it is in shambles, and it that is what is meant to be, I know that it will eventually happen. That realization was not the first, but it was one of many. None of those are blogged about here in C & W because they happened before I started this blog. The first occured the first Wednesday I went to church with him; there I was sitting in the Bible Study, and they were talking about how sometimes we set our minds to some sort of desire and fail to realize that God has other plans for us or refuse to accept it. My hands rested on my wornout pink Bible, and I glanced over at Jake. I realized then that I was doing just that, stubbornly clinging to a path that wasn't leading to where I should be. At that point I wasn't sure where my path was supposed to lead or what my path was supposed to be; I just knew my path was wrong. Then I had another realization, one more powerful. I was riding to church with him, and I was struck by how perfect it felt to be headed there with him. I knew in my heart that I belonged with him and that I was supposed to be on a path toward him, but it didn't sink in well I guess. Then came that Sunday morning, sitting in the front pews with him because he was leading singing that day, his arm around my shoulder, my eyes following along in the text, then watching as he stood up to lead another song. Everything seemed so right; I heard this voice telling me that I had to be strong, that I had to hold on, that I should not lose him. And so I tried my hardest to do just that. Then in January I had this realization, and I knew right then, where I was meant to be. All that time I had spent being a fool felt so wasted.

The story of Jacob and Rachel had special significance for us. Jake kept reminding me of that story, over and over, as we struggled to even be able to see each other. I grew to resent that story a little bit, perhaps because it did not give me the kind of hope I wanted or perhaps because I was just so frustrated and missing him so much. But looking at it now, I see it differently.The basic story goes like this. Rachel is the daughter of a proud and sneaky man, who tells Jacob he can marry her after seven years hard labor, and then pulls a sneaky trick by slipping Leah in at the wedding instead. Rachel is who Jacob loves most, and for Rachel he continues to work for his father-in-law. Genesis 29:20 “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” It was always Jake’s constant reminder that we were so in love that even the longest time apart would seem short in the end. The story continues with Rachel’s struggle to have children, while her sister can easily have them. She prays and prays and begs God for help. Genesis 30:22 "And God remembered Rachel." She kept praying and talking to God and trying. And eventually God answered. That is what I take from the story now. God had a plan for her, and, when it was time, he Brought that plan to fruition. Her prays were answered, and she was blessed. I believe that God has a plan and that, whatever that plan is, He will work with you and bring it about.

Every time Jake and I would have some sort of trouble, be it a set back like my grades or the difficulty we had during Winter Break, I would pray that things would work out. I'd pray for us, pray that I would be a better girlfriend, more patient and less stubborn. Every time I did, I got the same answer "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." It went something like this:

I had to move to L-Ville and prayed that we could handle the distance: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Getting into the same law school was going to be difficult and I prayed that even if we didn't we could handle it: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
There was absolutely no way we'd get into the same law school and I prayed for strength and patience: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake and I were not on the same page mostly because I was an impatient fool and I prayed for help to become a better friend, partner, and girlfriend: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."
Jake called, deciding we were over and I prayed that we would be able to fix this: "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up."

Now I find myself on my knees praying that we can save us, that all is not lost. I pray that somehow, some way, the story is not over for us. I pray that we aren't broken forever. I still feel like I'm supposed to be with him. I still feel like that is the plan because I am still getting the same answer. "Be strong, have faith, it will all work out. Don't give up." Maybe the plan has changed, but I just don't think so. We'd come so far, and we were so close. We were so in love and so happy. I know that sometimes things happen and couples fall apart, but I just can't shake the feeling that things aren't right because we are apart. It doesn't make sense (but don't get me started on things that don't make sense). So I'm going to remember the story of Jacob and Rachel, and how God remembered Rachel and answered her prayers and brought His plan for her into fruition. And I'm going to keep praying even if the answer remains the same refrain. "Be strong, have faith; it will all work out. Don't give up." I'm going to what I need to do, and I will survive, no matter what the plan.

Weekend In Pictures (Kaylyn's First Birthday)

2010-04-06T08:03:00.000-04:00

New Haircut, complete with Ghostbusters Vintage T-shirt

Last weekend, the last weekend of freedom I will have until after May 8th or so, was spent getting three inches of my hair chopped off and celebrating Kaylyn's first birthday. Not much to blog about really so here I will just post some pictures.

Adorable Cake

A Seat for the Birthday Girl

Reaching for the Cake

Baby's First Book, but She'd Rather Have a Tag

Yes, I Did in Fact, Buy her a L-Ville T-shirt

She was Really into Waving her Money Around

We all Know Money isn't Food, but You Tell Her That

Mama go Her a Riding Toy that Converted into a Push Toy for Walking

Assembly required, not a fun task

Presenting Oven Roasted Pork and Sides

2010-03-29T20:48:00.000-04:00

So I don't have much to write about tonight, but I did cook a real meal. I rarely do so because living alone means having no one to cook for and cooking a big meal for one person is a hassle and a mess that isn't always worth it. Allow me to present tonight's meal, oven roasted pork with potatoes, gravy, rolls, and great northern beans. The meat was a touch too done, but still delicious. Tonight’s meal is rated 8.5 out of 10 for over cooking the meat and not being able to grill or really sear the meat. This is proof I need people to cook for from time to time.

Sear the Pork Prior to Roasting

Wrapped it in Foil

Fresh from the Oven

Sliced and Ready to Serve

Dinner is Served

Back in the Saddle

2010-03-28T22:35:00.000-04:00

Moderately relevant picture of the shoes I bought for oral arguments, courtesy of Rack Rooms Website

So yesterday was the day of first year oral arguments at the Hall of Justice, and I put on my suit and heels and argued my case. It was like getting back in the saddle again, really. It's been months since I was in the courtroom, and I missed it more than I thought. I felt awesome to put on my pearls, be certain that my hair and make-up looked good, put on a nice suit, and slip into my killer shoes. To stand in front of a judge and start off with "May it please the court...", to address the court and argue with conviction, even though the case was weak, it was thrilling. This may seem lame to my readers, but I live for those moments. All went well, except for the lost car situation (not discussed here because I don't feel like talking about my stupidity beyond saying I completely forgot where I parked because I don't belong in L-ville and don't belong in the big city). So lets us do a recap of being back in the saddle again, or oral arguments.

I arrived with plenty of time to swap my flats (which I drove in because my heels are high) for the killer heels pictured above, adjust my suit and take a deep breath to collect myself. Entering the Hall of Justice brought back memories of mock trial. I did my first regional as witness in those courtrooms, and I also did my first regional as both a captain and attorney there. I felt this surge of power and faith as I watched my things go through the metal detector and stepped through myself. Then I walked into the courtroom, placed my portfolio on the table, and I was alive. Yes, dear reader, I love the courtroom. I love being able to stand there and stand for something. Even if right now, the cases I argue, the people I represent, the job I perform isn't real yet. I love the idea that I can use my passion, my fire, my strength, my brains, to solve problems, to be able to, in some small way, affect the world, make it better. That is why I want to be an attorney so badly.

The argument went well. I wasn't nervous, but I was, as usual, concerned about my accent. It's gotten much stronger, and while I love it, the glorious, lyrical, and attractive Southern drawl can be a hindrance up here in the Northern city. When I worry about my accent it causes me to get tongue tied, but other than that issue I think I did just fine. I hope the judges' written comments were as good as the verbal comments I received. I got compliments on how passionate my argument was, how I argued with conviction even though I had the most difficult side of the case and probably didn't believe in it. Apparently was the only one who answered the question "Without the eyewitness testimony, were you a jury in this case, would you convict?" with a yes. I also got compliments on how well I handled difficult questions, answering them and deflecting them to make them seem much less damaging, and how I was able to use bad facts to my advantage, even though they were potentially extremely damaging to my side. Apparently, several people think that I will make an excellent advocate and a great attorney. So, dear readers, I was back in the saddle yesterday, and it was incredible.

Check out this link or the box on the side to ask me questions, and I will answer them here.

Magic Jeans

2010-03-26T14:08:00.001-04:00

I apologize for my lack of frequent updates and interesting things to read here at Chipped and Wornout; although it feels odd to apologize for my lack of updates to just three followers. Maybe there are lurkers, I don't know. If you lurk and don't comment, how do I know that you are there? And if you lurk and don't follow me, how do I know you exist? Anyway, apologies for the lack of content.

When I was a teenager (oh man, how old did that phrase just make me feel) I had this pair of worn out jeans that I loved more than any article of clothing in my entire wardrobe. That demonstrates just how much of a tomboy I really was back then because while all the other teen girls around me were obsessed with wearing the cutest clothes, I was in love with a pair of jeans that had somehow managed to last three years and hundreds of washes, had particularly wide flared bottoms, were faded in all the right places, and had holes in a couple of places. These jeans were so shaped to my body that they fit perfectly and were extremely comfortable; it killed me with they finally became too short for my suddenly long legs and too tight for my hips. I immediately began searching for a pair of jeans that were like those that I loved so much, and I finally settled on a pair of light wash Arizona flares, snug at the hip, flared widely at the bottom. I bought two pairs of the style, and I wore them as often as possibe. They fit perfectly, and they were the essence of my personality in denim form, which may sound silly to most people. I always felt my best when I could strut (yes, I did strut in those jeans, with that lovely Southern belle swing in my hips) around wearing that perfect pair of jeans. I was even wearing them well worn as they were, the day I agreed to be Jake's girlfriend in October of 2008. Actually that day was one of the last days I got to wear those jeans because they developed a hole in a place that rendered them unwearable, and I could never find another pair in that style. I was terribly saddened by the loss of my favorite jeans. Well last Friday while shopping with Mama (Spring Break found me at the 'rent's house in the Boro) I found a substitute, that, while not equal to my glorious jeans, is adequate for my needs. I've never liked the idea of buying jeans that are pre-distressed, but I really liked the way the fabric felt and they were the only decent flares in the whole section. (What happened to jeans that flatter women with wider hips? Seriously, skinny jeans make your hips look bigger, while flares balance you out.)

I know, I know, you're thinking, what the heck Nic, why obsess over pants? Also you are probably wondering how a pair of jeans can be the essence of a person. Just like me, those jeans are worn and faded, but still strong enough to handle just about anything. They are full of spunk and fire. They aren't plain, average, or ordinary. They are different, and they make a statement. Well lets put it this way, it was very appropriate that I was wearing those jeans the day I agreed to be Jake's girlfriend. I was coming off a bad relationship and in my typical way I was on fighting back. I was scared to death, but hell bent on recovering, and I really liked him. In fact, as we stood by my blazer in the parking lot, I was thinking "Hell, boy, asking me out already. I know you like me, and I've been flirting shamelessly as obviously as possible so you should know I like you too. If you don't I'm going to have to do it." (Please hear this statement with a Southern drawl) That is typical Nic behavior, and there were a couple of moments that afternoon when I almost grabbed him and kissed him since it seemed that he wasn't getting the idea; that would surely have gotten the point across. I couldn't just stand there and let this not happen. So I sort of drew on their power.

Yes dear readers, behold the power of wornout jeans. I'm sorry this entry is so dull and pointless. Maybe next time I will come up with something interesting.

Roots and Wings

2010-03-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite lines from Sweet Home Alabama (aside from Jake's "Honey, just cause I talk slow don't mean I'm stupid.") is the line in the cemetary where he tells her "Who says you can't have both? You can have roots and wings, Mel." The ex-boyfriend, affectionately called The Coward by my friends, who came before Jake once told me that I wasn't what he called a "nester". He said I wasn't the kind of woman who needed to settle down with a white picket fence and nice little family with lots of kids. He told me that I was the kind of woman who simply needed a home to come back to after my latest adventure was over; I wasn't the kind of woman who was meant to be a happy housewife. I needed a companion for my adventures, someone to go with me on the wild ride that was the life I wanted. He said that I didn't need a man in my life, I simply allowed one into my life because I desired a companion, and because sometimes I required a reminder that I need to eat and sleep and take care of myself when I get all wrapped up in taking care of everything and everyone else. I laughed at the time; I was twenty years old, and I had no idea what kind of woman I really was or what I was meant to be. Funny, now that I think about it, perhaps in a way he was right. I want both; I want to have roots and wings.

I want to have a home that is my own to come back to, a place that is my own sanctuary, but I really don't want the perfect little house in a subdivision with a little backyard and a white picket fence. Somewhere tucked away with the rest of my old sketchbooks and notebooks is a design for that house in my dreams. It's all laid out in detail, carefully drawn on graph paper. (I was in maybe the seventh or eighth grade when I drew it, and I was sitting in the huge living room of my Nanny's house as my Pa drew a layout for a project that never happened.) It was perfect, designed to suit both my personality and my career choice, and I have dreamed of that house for a long time. It's changed over the years, just a bit; for instance extra things were added when the person I wanted to share my home with made suggestions. That house, sitting on five or more acres of the best land I could buy, is where my roots would be. The life I want to lead isn't exactly simple. I want to do something big. I want to save the world. I want to be able help children in need and stop the evils of abuse and child trafficking; I want to make a difference in this world. I want to fight crime, put the bad guy behind bars, and change the world. I want to spread my wings, and I want to fly.The path I want to follow is not one that lends itself to settling down, and even if I wanted to settle down, now is definitely not the time. I predict long hours ahead of me, and sleepless nights. I can see the difficulties that my life will bring. I can see a little shoebox apartment, just a bit bigger than the current Shoebox I live in, one bedroom, and maybe a little dog. Nothing fancy, just place to rest my head.

I didn't want to marry Jake and settle down. The reason I wanted to marry him was because I love him, and I wanted to share my life with him. He was partner, my best friend, and the best thing to ever happened to me. It wasn't that I wanted to settle down; there is still too much life to live and too much to be done. I wanted to share my adventures with him, to have him by my side. It was never about settling down; it was about the fact that no one matched me the way he did. I'm hard to handle, mostly because I'm stubborn, willful, sarcastic, hard headed, full of fire and sparks and insanity, sometimes moody, almost always snarky, goofy, and all around a mess. This means that if you are going to be my partner, you have to be prepared to deal with that. There are very few men that I have met in my life who have been able to handle me. I was surprised that Jake could, but he did. Being with Jake and possibly marrying him wasn't ever about being settled down. It was about having a companion to have adventures with, someone who knew me, someone I love. I don't need a man in my life, but I chose to allow Jake in because I care about him and love him. Now he walked out, decided I wasn't the woman he wanted, and I can get by alone. I just don't want to live without him. If I must, I will go on, but I'd like to have the chance to get back what I lost. I have roots and wings, but I have no companion.

Blogger Deleted the Rest of My Entry, but It Didn't Make Sense Anyway

2010-03-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

Gratuitous and sort of vain headshot because I got a new camera.

Also my make up looked really good and I wanted to show off my new glasses.

The weather is beautiful, which means that if this gorram Yankee city wasn't so barren and dead looking I could take some really great pictures. But alas, nothing nice to photograph. I'm sure that if I really felt inspired I could come up with some artistic shots of this place. I just am not inspired by Yankee-ville, sorry to say, and I haven't got the time to go be all creative. This saddens me because I love photography, and I would love to spend some time with just my camera and my iPod. Hopefully there will be at least a little time next week during Spring Break, between the massive amount of outlining that needs to be done. I am behind on that sort of thing because of the outline, which is apparently normal according to several 2L and 3L students. Hopefully if I can just sit down and do it the outlining will not take 40 hours of my break so that I have no time to relax and breathe. I also want to do some writing and some drawing. I really want to do some creative work. I haven't got the chance to do much in the way of creativity lately because of my busy schedule.

Picture Time

2010-03-08T10:08:00.002-05:00

I will write something of substance later, but I finally got my new camera Saturday and have pictures to show off. I took some practice shots of Kaylynn, my cousin Erica's daughter, but the lighting wasn't so great. I promise to take better pictures soon.

Isn't she a doll? She actually was facinated by my glasses most of the day.

She has the prettiest big, blue eyes.

She looks remarkably like her mama, right down to the chubby cheeks and blue eyes.

A Myriad of Thoughts and Updates

2010-02-22T17:15:00.002-05:00

WARNING TRAIN OF THOUGHT PASSING

Last week, around Wednesday night, I finally broke my glasses. I couldn't even tape them to get through the week Harry Potter style. They snapped right in half at the nose piece. That meant that, while I had intended to stay at the Shoebox and work, I had to go home to the Boro for an eye exam to get new glasses and new contacts. I really love eye exams (haha, yeah right), especially the glaucoma test where they puff air at your eyeball. It always, I mean always, takes three or four times per eye to get it right. I spent Friday working on my brief (foul creature though it is) and watching curling. Saturday morning I went for my eye exam and then had a heart attack when I saw just how much it cost me to handle my eye issues. $75 for the exam, $50 for my contacts, $52 for my frames, and $110 for my lenses. That is outrageous, not going to lie. Our insurance doesn't cover contacts and glasses, just the exam, and I forgot to mention the insurance when I did the appointment, but it's really just a big hassle anyway. That afternoon though I got to see my cousin Erica's baby, and she is such a little doll. I didn't think I was ever going to see her (family issues suck), so I was very excited to see her. She looks like her mama, right down to the big blue eyes and chubby cheeks. I failed to take pictures, mainly because she was still dealing with a slight cough and runny nose after her bought with pnuemonia and the lighting was really bad. I promise that the next time I see her I will take lots and lots of pictures.

When I got home last night I didn't intend to go grocery shopping because I was really tired, but after seeing the ridiculous parking situation going on and realizing how much I would have to do tonight, I decided to go ahead and do my shopping. Of course that means going across the river to Indiana, but its not so bad when there is no traffic. I am one of "those people" when it comes to shopping. I don't just grab the first item I see. I am that woman you see studying a cut of meat to determine whether I like the amount of fat or looking through the apples to select shiny ones that are firm and nicely colored. I am a food snob, and I think you should be conscious of what you are putting in your body. Good ingredients make good dishes, and so when I'm picking out veggies to make a tomato sauce (which I can't do in the Shoebox because I have no blender and no room) I pick out the freshest tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions, for example. On that note, I am making a diluted version of my father's "Savage's Dear God Lasagna", which is a version of my Aunt Bessie Petrillo's delicious recipe, and so I was picking out decent pasta, cheese, ground beef, and pasta sauce (I hate sauce from the jar, but can't make my own at the moment). I hate that I cannot afford several of the needed ingredients and thus cannot make a truly good lasagna, but I will survive. It will provide me with plenty of leftovers for lunches and dinners, which is always a plus.

I am not pleased with the current weather. It was very pretty this weekend, but not its gloomy and wet and unpleasant. Boo weather, you fail. This is not really worthy of a paragraph all to it's self, but its not related to anything else either.

I am well aware of how pathetic my last posts have been. Losing someone you love makes you feel pathetic though. I think that part of my problem is that I've let the pressure of law school, the unpleasantness of being fairly isolated, and the distance (and now the loss) cause me to become something I'm not. I know that I am strong; I've always been a strong person both mentally and emotionally. I'm stubborn, willful, determined, and I never give up. I hold my own even when I'm carrying the weight of the world. I take on everything, and I don't let things knock me down. I am independant. I can get by on my own. I have always said that I can live alone and get by without having someone, but I choose not to do it. I don't want to go through life alone, but if I have to, I can. But lately I've been crumbling. I let it make me soft, pathetic, and weak, and it started long before the recent insanity. Those are not attractive qualities, and this pathetic woman I seem to be right now is not the woman that Jake fell in love with. Perhaps that was part of what caused this to happen. I am working on it though. Yes, I hope that some miracle will happen, and things will go back to the way they were, when everything was good and happy and wonderful. But I'm not going to obsess over it, not going let it destroy me. Will I just forget it? No. Will I give up completely on saving something that means so much to me? No. But I am going to "woman up". I am going dig into my well of strength and independence and manage to get through things. I am a strong independant woman, and its time for me to be that woman again. I know I can do it, and I will.

Well, I have a lot to do and need to get started before I cook dinner. I will now leave you with a fun veiw of my to-do list for the week:

Finish the brief draft by Wednesday March 3rd (TOP PRIORITY)

Catch up on all notes, outlines, and briefs

Annotate Federal Rules of Civil Procedure

Annotate Statutory Supplement for Contracts

Plan out how best to use Spring Break

Work out the schedule for working out and studying
Clean the Shoebox (Do the following in italics)

Finish sweeping the kitchen and cleaning the counter/stove

Do all the laundry

Sweep the bathroom and clean the counter

Vacuum the living room and bedroom

Oh, Valentine

2010-02-13T18:53:00.000-05:00

Late Monday night it started to snow, so much so that Tuesday's classes were canceled and we had a delay Wednesday. It's finally stopped, but we have six or so inches on the ground. Wednesday morning when I went out to go to class it took me forever to knock the snow off the blazer and then inch my way over the huge pile of snow where they plowed our parking lot. I love snow, but I don't enjoy the way it affects my usual routine. I'm a fan of snow, but not really winter or cold. On a positive note, until they scraped the sidewalks and the cars drove on it, L-ville was a pretty sight all covered in white.

Ok, so tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and, regardless of whatever relationship insanity I am currently experiencing, I will be spending it exactly as I had planned minus a phone call. I planned to use this weekend to work on my Brief (oh how I hate that Brief) and my outlines; I had also planned on calling Jake and telling him just how much I loved him, talking since we have been apart so long, and perhaps even plotting some sort of adventure to make up for the lack of V-Day fun that we would be experiencing. Now, I will just spend the weekend working on the Brief and outlining and writing a letter. Last Valentine's Day I got all girled up and sparkly, and I baked these killer cookies shaped like lips with red sugar sprinkles. They were brilliant and I was so proud of how they came out. Jake and I went out to Longhorn (My parents were there, only we somehow managed to not cross paths with them; what luck) and then to see The Pink Panther 2 because we had already seen Bride Wars (the only real date movie playing) two weeks prior. It was fantastic, and I still have the card that he gave me. I remember how he spent fifteen minutes or more writing in it while we waited to be seated. I miss those kinds of memories. This Valentine's Day I will spend the day in the Shoebox, surrounded by textbooks and case law. I will make bold, if fruitless, efforts not to cry like a little girl, and I will try to remain hopeful that some sort of miracle will take place.

I love my friends, my married friends, my engaged friends, my when the heck are you going to just give her a ring friends, my dating and happy to with their partner friends, and my single friends. I have friends who are married and not expecting children anytime in the near future; I have friends who are married and expecting their first baby, and I have newly wed friends. I also have friends who have been engaged and are rapidly approaching their wedding days, and I have friends who are newly engaged. I have friends who are dating wonderful people, and I have friends who should stop with the mushy facebook love and just get hitched already. I'm happy for all these friends, and happy for the single ones who are happy with being single. I think of all these friends with a smile and wish them the very best, but then I think of my current situation, which has brought me to tears, brought me to my knees, broken my heart, made me question lots of things, caused me to lose lots of sleep, messed with my appetite, and in general messed me up. I cannot count the number of times that I have reached for the phone, trying to get up the courage to even talk to him. Every time I think that I can manage to just say hi, I panic, drop the phone, and bite back tears. The number never gets dialed, and the text is never even started. There are so many things I want to say to him, but I feel like he is avoiding me, like he will keep avoiding me until I give up on us. But I can't give up, I just can't. He seems to be operating just fine without me, but I'm falling apart inside. I love him. Is that wrong? Am I supposed to just kill those feelings? Because I can't do that. If I could just move on, if I didn't feel like this is all wrong, if I didn't have this feeling that I'm not supposed to give up on us, I would.

I still don't understand why it happened. I'm afraid people think that I hurt him, that I did something horrible. Isn't that funny? A part of me wants it known that he chose to break it off, not me. A part of me wants it understood that I didn't leave him and I didn't walk away. I guess the evil and sarcastic Nic would rather not have the idea that she hurt the man she loves, that she walked away from it, that she gave up on the best thing that ever happened to her, floating around out there. Maybe I'm not so strong and mean and nasty after all. I'm so afraid that I screwed up our relationship; in fact, I'm almost positive that something I did ruined it all. You see, once upon a time there was this woman and this man, and they met at just the right moment in a classroom. They were both a little bit lost, and they found each other. It was good, and it was wonderful, and it was everything love is supposed to be. But she was all damaged, and she let her fear and stupidity get in the way. She thought they could get passed it, and she thought they would be OK despite it all. But it wasn't, and she lost him. I'm so afraid that I did hurt him, that I did do something wrong. It hurts so much. I am so lonely, and I miss my other half. The thing is, I need him in my life, which may say sound insane, but I do.

"This Woman and This Man"

2010-02-04T11:30:00.001-05:00

I promise that I will come up with an entry before this weekend is over, but country music sort of says exactly what I want I am feeling and what I want to say. I don't really like posting just the lyrics to songs and what not because that is not what my blog is about, but this just needed to be done. It's been echoing in my ears for a while. So at this time the best way to convey my emotions is Clay Walker's "This Woman and This Man".

Been tryin’ so hard just to talk to you

Haven’t heard half of what you want me to

I hurt so bad over where we’ve been

Don’t know how not to go back there again

I know what I wanna say

Can I get it through to you now

In some other way...like

There was this woman and there was this man

There was this moment they had a chance to hold on to what they had

How could they be so in love and still never see

Now nothin’ could be sadder than

This woman this woman and this man

A stranger’s eyes in a lover’s face

See no signs of a better time and place

Have we lost the key to an open door

I feel the need to reach out to you even more

It’s a circle we’re goin’ ’round

If we don’t get us out from under

It’s gonna take us down...see

There was this woman and there was this man

There was this moment they had a chance to hold on to what they had

How could they be so in love and still never see

Now nothin’ could be sadder than

This woman this woman and this man

For all we’ve got to lose there’s so much to gain

If we come this far and leave it behind

There’s only you and me to blame...see

There was this woman and there was this man

There was this moment they had a chance to hold on to what they had

How could they be so in love and still never see

Yeah we can get it back again

This woman this woman and this man

Yeah we can bring it back again

This woman this woman and this man

Black Eyeliner to Hide the Tears

2010-02-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

So much is on my heart right now that I can't just let it build up; I guess I just need to blog it out for now. I don't keep a journal, so this is what I do. Maybe I shouldn't blog about this particular issue, but I promised myself that I would use this blog to chronicle my life through law school and beyond, and this is big part of my life. (Besides, I'm pretty sure I don't have a huge number of readers.)

Make-up miracles are in store in the life of Nic for a while, I think. Black eyeliner and mascara, strategically done in combination with the right amount of concealer and light eyeshadow, manages to cover the puffiness of my sleep-deprived, red teary eyes. Nothing will suck the pretty out of your face like the look of loss, hurt, and heartbreak; the one exception is that when I cry, the gold amid the green in my hazel eyes suddenly pops, and they look all bright and shiney. Funny fact: my eyes are pretty when I cry, the rest of me is not. That is what I've been doing off and on since Thursday night, crying my eyes out. I've also been doing a lot of praying and a lot of dragging myself through my work at a snail's pace. I know that it sounds pathetic, but nothing seems right anymore. Who am I going to save the world with now? I would gladly let him go into politics and pass the laws that save the world and I will prosecute the offenders. He was my partner, my best friend, my better half. I need my partner back, the man who makes me grin like a fool for no apparent reason, who believed in me when no one else did, who brought me back to life so to speak. I would gladly give up everything I have just to have him back. I'm trying so hard to give him time, hoping that time will bring him around and we will be able to be together again. It feels so strange not to have text message conversations that last all day about nothing what-so-ever. I miss the way hearing my phone ring or feeling it vibrate and seeing that he was calling or that there was a text message from him. I wonder if he misses that too. I wonder if he misses the random, "I love you" texts, the random "I miss you" messages. I wonder if he misses the way we shared our inner hopes, thoughts, and dreams. I wonder if it feels as strange to him as it does to me not to be swapping texts about the little things that make us smile or laugh. I wonder if this hurts him as much as it hurts me. I'm afraid that he's gotten over me, over us, that he finds it so much easier to just move on and forget us. I'm afraid I've lost him forever.

Like I said in the last entry, I'm afraid this all comes from something I've done, and to be quite honest, I'm willing to change whatever that was. I will change my ways, my stupidity, my insanity. I will do anything I can. I will give up my vices, learn to watch my mouth. I will never talk about the future unless he brings it up. I will be nothing but supportive no matter what that means. I could care less about settling down and building the log house and all that. It doesn't matter anymore, and I don't think that it ever did. Everything is in better perspective now; none of those things mattered to begin with because the only thing that really mattered was being together, being there for each other, having each other to lean on, and loving each other. What mattered and what still matters is that we knew each other, we shared with each other, we were close, and we were just us and it was good. I had this happily ever after all thought out, but none of that matters without him. None of it does at all. I'm not sure that he will ever come back to read this thing (I know he used to read it because he would tell me what he thought), but if you are reading this Jake: I'm sorry if I ever made it seem like what mattered most to me was settling down and the future and all that other BS. None of that ever mattered so much as what was good about being together. None of it matters at all in comparison. I'm sorry if I allowed our spark to grow dim, darlin; I should've been paying closer attention. I'd give absolutely anything to fix that. I'm sorry if I did something to make you stop believing in us. I still believe; I really do believe in us. I'm sorry if I didn't show you just how much I appreciated what we had, and I'm sorry if I didn't show you just how much I love you and believe in you. I'm currently writing a letter, one that I don't know that I will have the courage to give to you, one that I'm not sure you will read, one I'm not sure really will matter much at all or do any good because if you have given up on us (a fact that I can barely stand to think about) then it won't really matter whether you know why I think this should be saved, that explains all of this so much better. It may seem sort of crazy to say this here instead of directly to him, but sometimes I can write or type what I want to say better than I can every say it in person.

Some of my friends, well our friends, are already wondering what went wrong, and I don't know what to say to them. I love my friend Tiff because she is such a sweetheart; she was so concerned and so willing to help. "But you two were so perfect together... it was so obvious that you were good together. When you two were together you lit up the room. It was so clear you adored each other." She immediately wondered what was up with the sudden change and even offered to talk to him for me. I told her not to, that I didn't think that it was a great idea to interrogate him. (The idea that such an action would both make me seem pathetic and would push Jake farther away if there is a chance that I might be able to fix it). If I thought it would help, if I thought maybe it would do something to fix things and get us back together, I would let her ask, let her talk to him about it. But somehow doubt that it would do much good to have that happen. I guess that my best hope is prayer and patience (which I lack) and faith and the strength of heart and determination (which is something I've always had). So right now, I'm wandering about the world right now, pretending that I'm not falling apart, sitting in my classes, staring straight ahead, biting my lip really hard every time Jake's face flashes across my mind, fighting back the tears every time my heart starts aching because I think of something that I want to tell him or want to show him, and in general just taking a deep breath and grinding it out.

Pretty much I'm living this song by the Carter Twins:

She's got a smile like California

she's got a spirit like New Orleans

eyes like the lights of New York City, yeah

cool as a Carolina breeze

but underneath

she's got a heart like Memphis

Breaking News: Not the Good Kind

2010-01-29T17:23:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentleman of the reading audience, it breaks my heart to put this into words, and I will do this without using quotes from the actual conversation, simply because I care too much about the other half of this issue to humiliate him or hurt him.

The Jake and Nic show is over, canceled abruptly like Fox cancelled Firefly. It was not mutual, but maybe somewhere down the road, they will get signed for another season, (If I'm lucky anyway). I'm not holding out a great of hope because he seems to have made up his mind. So this will be my last entry tagged Jake and Nic unless a miracle happens. This how we got where we are. Apparently, he was feeling off about us, and being the inexperienced one he didn't tell me, and then last night when I finally get worried he calls and tells me that our spark is gone, that he no longer feels the way he did about me. I had to take off my ring and start changing all my stuff around. Needless to say that so far my weekend is dominated by tears and insane hopes and then more tears. I don't understand how you can be fine one month, and then suddenly you aren't anymore. Something had to go wrong, and I want to fix it. I love him, dear readers, and I love him more than I probably should if he doesn't love me (or if he doesn't think he loves me, if that's the case). I love him so much that it hurts. He still has my heart, and I don't want it back at all. In the year and three months we were together, I was the happiest I'd been in five or so years. Nothing fit so perfectly, not even the ex who I once thought that I loved. Nothing was as right as things were when there was an us. I want the chance to rekindle our spark, because if it went out it can be relit. Maybe he doesn't want me anymore though, maybe he's given up. I don't know, but I don't want to just be friends. I don't want have to go back to August and September 2008 when Jake and Nic were friends. I want to make a new start. Maybe we just need time, time apart to grow a little, time apart to realize what we had. Maybe we need a break, but I don't want that break to be permanent. I don't know, but I don't want this to mean the end.

I'm afraid, afraid I did something wrong. I'm afraid that I somehow became unattractive to him. I'm afraid that my personality changed and pushed him away. I'm afraid that me being crazy lately somehow drove him away. I'm afraid that I made a bad impression on his family, that they didn't like me. I'm afraid my family scared him off (which is also something Mama is afraid of). And most of all I'm afraid that the fact that he's super involved in church and I can't be right now made him decided that it wasn't right. I was trying so hard to be involved and that's part of why I went to Gatlinburg with him. I was finally ready to do that. I wanted some much to be a part of that in his life, and I'm afraid that I didn't show him enough. I'm afraid that he thought that I didn't want to be a part of it and so we couldn't be together. I'm afraid we started moving too fast and that scared him. I'm afraid that's my fault, that because it kept coming up and I was dumb enough to think that it should. I'm afraid the distance messed things up for us. I'm afraid that I have lost the one man I love. But I don't want to lose him. It would be wrong to give up on someone like this.

I just understand how the feeling can just be gone all of a sudden. I don't understand how he could give up on us after we've been through so much already, after we'd come so far. Maybe I should just give up too, but I can't do that. I don't care about this distance or the difficulties. I don't care about the future right now or settling down or log houses or pugs or bulldogs or first apartments or any of that. I care about laughing over not being good at bowling. I care about holding hands and running from the rain. I care about Peter Pan and Tinkerbell in the parking lot after a ridiculous exam. I care about seeing movies about food when we're starving then getting milkshakes and burgers. Maybe that's what we need to get back to now. I don't know how, but I do know what I want. I'd like to get back to that happy place, with laughter, smiles, and flirting. I think we can, and I think that it would take some work. But I think that if we really cared and really tried, we could do it, provided that he hasn't already found someone to replace me. I love him, readers, and I want to get him back.

The lines from this song is playing in my head over and over:

Oh, [boy], don't you remember?

It was not so long ago

We were makin' plans for two

Just me and you

....

No one could ever love you

The way I do

Tell me you're not leavin' now

Tell me you're not leavin'

Tell me that you're gonna stay

Please say you'll stay with me, baby

Tell me that you love me still

Say you love me still

For this and this alone I pray

Fall down on my knees and pray

I'll do anything
Yes, I would

To save what we have

To keep you by my side

I'll love you 'til death do us part

But what do I do

What do I do

When I'm still missing you?

What do I do

What do I do with my heart?

Emotional Ride

2010-01-27T23:15:00.000-05:00

So this morning my alarm clock was somehow set an hour fast. That means this morning I woke up at 6:45 instead of 7:45 (not so bad except that I couldn't sleep last night for reasons I'll discuss below), I ate breakfast too early and was starving halfway through Criminal Law, and I left the apartment at 7:40 instead of 8:40 panicking because I though I only had twenty minutes to get to the parking lot, get up the hill to the law school, drop my books off at my locker and get to Basic Legal Skills. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was no one there, and I grabbed my phone thinking they had canceled class and I hadn't checked. That was when I discovered that it was really only 7:49, I wasn't late, and that because of this I had time to run back to the apartment and pick up some things I forgot.

I try very hard to be zen about life and what it throws at me. I try not to stress so much about the things I can't change. But lately, its been getting harder. As Jake's graduation get closer and closer, the future issues become more and more real. Jake will go to law school, and I'm confident that he will get into one of the places where he wants to go. Those places don't really include L-ville, KY. I want him to go where he needs to be, and I want him to go where he will be happy. But it will kill me to know what that will mean. Its not a pleasant thought, the future as it stands. To be honest, I really dread the prospect of three years without seeing each other. We'd be lucky to even do holidays with our families at Christmas time. The problem with these feelings is that I have a bad habit of letting them escape at just the wrong moment. Like last night when Jacob called: We are talking about nothing in particular and he brings up his law school stuff and because I don't want to blurt out anything inappropriate, I get all quiet and what not. After we hang up, my mind begins to race and I think that maybe I should remind Jake that I am happy for him even though I get all weird on him. Well, that sort of exploded, and there we were texting in the middle of the night when normal people who have law school classes at 9AM the next day but no actual homework at the moment should be asleep. When this happens, it usually means that I get all stupid and text long messages while sitting in my apartment either crying or fuming about the situation. This time I was crying. It was ugly. And as usual, what I call my "Girlfriend Guilt" kicked in and I couldn't sleep. The "Girlfriend Guilt" is this feeling I get when I get overly emotional and feel like I've been a crappy girlfriend for putting Jake through it. The truth is that I really shouldn't do that to him. I know how much pressure he's under right now, and I know how hard it is to be applying for law school, doing Mock Trial, and taking difficult classes. Its not fair of me to add my emotional crap on top of that. I'm going to do my level best to stop doing that to him. I love him too much to be stupid enough to make life difficult.

I know I should focus on what time we do have to spend together, which is already fairly limited. I want to make the most of it, but its really hard to do when you get a date or lunch meeting or random hello every three weeks or more. There are only so many we can do on a Friday or Saturday night in the Boro. We've gone bowling more times than I can count, and that's fun. We've seen plenty of movies (I keep the ticket stubs cause I'm freak), and that's also fun. But I'm a memories kind of girl, and I want desperately to have some memories to look back on someday. I want memories of my life with the man I love. I don't want to look like back and say "those were the years when all we got were text messages and phone calls." I don't to look back and have to say "those were the years when we never saw each other." I want a little romance, which seems a bit pathetic but whatever. I don't how we're gonna make those memories, but I want to make them and will. You see, I'm a fighter, always have been. I know what I want, and I'm gonna have it. I just predict that my camera is about to see a lot of action.

Turning a Page (An Weekend Recap)

2010-01-19T00:16:00.001-05:00

I am back in the Shoebox, warming up and finishing the last of my homework for tomorrow. Like I mentioned last entry, I went on the church retreat in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge with Jake and the young adult group from his church. Have you ever felt like your spirit, your heart, your mind, and (yes this sounds cheesy) your soul has been sort of recharged, revived, and renewed? Well coming back from that retreat that's sort of how I feel.

Friday night we arrived at the cabin, after a hilarious trip up to the mountains; we went through Maryville, which looked like a low rent version of Woodbury, TN, passed a really seedy looking place (it was obviously some sort of strip club) that looked to have a $1 an hour motel attached, and went through an area where we could swear we were hearing banjo music (Deliverance style). The parking situation wasn't pleasant, but we made do; of course we hadn't eaten, so we went to TGIFriday's for a late dinner with another couple. It was fun to go out and chat with another couple. We played a little air hockey and relaxed. Saturday morning we got up, had breakfast, and then the morning devotional. The topic was Today, as in living for Today; I found myself recalling the fact that I am really bad about regrets at times. I get hung up in the past, and I fail to live for Today. There is so much good happening right now, and I know that if I'm not paying attention I will miss it. I have a good life; I have a great family, a future, and the most wonderful man in my life. During the day, Jacob and I went with two other couples and a friend of his to Gatlinburg where we just sort of browsed for the day. It was nice to just wander around and have nothing to do. There were some people doing the Free Hug thing, which Jake was creeped out by, but other than that it was a nice relaxing trip.

That evening Jake and I snuggled on the couch, and I sort of half watched the Cardinals/Saints game, since it was on in the main sitting area. I really didn't care what was on the television at that point so long as Jacob ad I could stay where we were on the couch. Saturday night's devotional type thing was about Forgiveness, which brings me to the title of the entry. I tend to have trouble forgiving myself for my past mistakes; I will spend quite some time beating myself up over things that I can't change. This is also part of that whole living for today bit. I've also been holding on to a touch of bitterness from that old heartbreak from almost a year and a half ago, and I really shouldn't. Part of me sometimes wishes that the ex finds himself realizing that he's missed out; part of me wishes that he had just a little bit of regret for leaving me. But, as we sat watching House on TV and I absently played with Jake's hair, I got to thinking. I really don't have to keep being angry and bitter about the old wounds; they've mostly healed up, and I've got this fantastic man in my life who treats me better than I could ever ask and loves me. And if I just let go, I will be able to live, to really live. I can let it go and wish the ex well, because I can move on with my life. I've got a whole lot to look forward to now.

It was great weekend, something I really needed. It was great to spend some time just relaxing, and it was pretty cool to sort of live in the same house with Jake. The mountains were beautiful, the lessons were powerful, and it was just the sort of recharging, reviving, and renewing that I needed. There was something great about the singing this weekend, too. There is nothin' quite like listening to Jake sing, and I was sitting next to him; he's got a great voice, and it sort of reaches you at times. To sing with him is amazing. There was something about adding my voice to the other voices lifted to sing to and for God that was really powerful. Music has always spoken to me, and I guess it always will. C.S. Lewis wrote about the Deep Magic in his Chronicles of Narnia, which anyone who really knows their C.S. Lewis, and most people with any brains at all, knows is a series about Christianity and Jesus and faith. The Deep Magic is part of what connects Narnia's inhabitants to each other in the same way that faith and a common love and belief in God and Jesus connects Christians. I think that part of what rings for me is that when we were singing, you could feel that connection, that Deep Magic so to speak. I don't have a great voice, but I do love to sing; there was something amazing about singing those songs with Jake and the rest of the group.

This particular line we sang hit me. "Lord you know just where I've been so light the fire in my heart again". I was in desperate need of recharge, not only in mind and body, but in spirit. And this weekend helped with that. Sunday morning there was a time where we all sat in silence and if anyone had anything to say to the group, they could. I don't know how it happened, but I just suddenly felt the need to say how grateful I was to be there. And as sort of lame as it was, I cried. I couldn't help it; all of a sudden it was just there and I felt like I had to speak up in a way I hadn't before, at least in front of those people. There is something to be said about being completely recharged all over, body, mind, heart, and spirit. Sometimes things just happen, and I know they happen for a reason. I was meant to love and lose the ex because I was meant to hurt enough for my eyes to open. I was meant to find my way to where I am now. There is a reason that I'm not with the first boy I ever loved. I was supposed to meet Jake, I was supposed to love him, and I am suppose to be with him. I prayed a lot for God to show me the way, and then like a typical blind human being, I wasn't paying attention. I'm paying attention now.

Its a Long Hard Road

2010-01-14T13:59:00.000-05:00

The second semester is already in full swing here in law school land; this weekend will probably be my last moments of relaxation for a while because the grind has already begun in earnest. My planner is filled with appointments to meet with professors to review exams, which will not be a pleasant experience (especially for Torts, Property, and Legal Research), notes on assignments to read, research to do, and times to compile my notes for each class. Due to my unfortunate grades, I have to meet with the woman in charge of the academic success office, and its not something I like doing since she practically accused me of not working hard enough and in general this whole issue is really hard to deal with for me. I've always been the smart one, and sometimes that feels like all I have; my family introduces me as the smart child, and most of the time I feel like my intelligence is the only thing I have going for me. If I'm not smart then what am I? Who am I if I'm not the intelligent one? I am now stepping up my game, but this is going to be a very very long semester with a lot of hard work and grinding through it and not very much time to breathing. I predict a great deal of time spent alone in my apartment, doing nothing but work. It will be a miracle if I get time to work out, much less the time to see the people I love. I do not predict a lot of cheerful entries for folks to read. If you want to make a run for it now, I don't blame you. I'm definitely not going to be seeing a lot of TN, since going home typically means that I don't get much done. There will be some melt downs, and it won't be pretty. Hold on tight because we are definitely in for a bumpy ride.

I hate the way this all makes me feel, and I hate the way it makes me act. It's not fair to the people who have to deal with me on a regular basis. I have made my Mother worry (and Southern Mothers worry in general because its part of their charm) more than she needs to worry about her adult daughter. I've lashed out at people (more than my usual charming snark and snap), and its not been pretty. I snapped at my kid brother, my nerves are on edge, and even when I screw on that smile that Southern women are able to bring out even when they are standing among the spiralling chaos, its hard to make it convincing. It also makes me a terrible friend and partner, and I feel like I'm being a horrible girlfriend for Jake. Its hard enough having a long distance relationship, and then I make it worse by becoming this mess. He tries so hard to be supportive, to be there for me, and I tend to get snippy and nasty and I cry too much. Instead of making things better, I just make them worse. Lately I have not been the kind of girlfriend that a guy wants. There is nothing fun, sexy, cute, beautiful, or pleasant about the emotional and ridiculous mess that I am right now. Jake stands by me just the same, which is something that I really appreciate, and I love him so much. I know that a lot of times it would be easier to just cut and run when I get like this, especially when all I do is argue and get more idiotic. Let's face, Jake is a better man than a crazy Southern woman like me could ever ask for.

I promised myself that I would be positive about this semester, that I would just make the best of what I have, but its not as easy as it may seem. I was ok, really, until I met with the academic success person. Then suddenly all hell broke loose, and the tears started to fall and the need for caffiene and chocolate set in, and well here I am. I have to get over this, or at least get better (in the sense that I am not whimpering and sniffling like a child), before this weekend, since I want to have a good time and make the best of it. This is especially true considering that after this weekend I don't know when I'll see Jake or even have a decent break.

Busy Already

2010-01-06T19:56:00.000-05:00

As I started on this I was in the noisy SAC marketplace having lunch because I have to use the massive amount of money the school forces me to pay for a meal ticket because I have on campus housing, even though I live in an apartment with a full kitchen. Now I'm in the back of the classroom, staying much warmer, and working on some things for class. It is cold outside, and by cold I mean it's 21 degrees outside but feels like 12. No joke, I stepped outside the law school to head out for lunch, and it was spitting snow. This is the kind of snow that mocks me because I love snow, I love to run around in it, dance like a fool, and in general frolic like a little kid in it. I'm from TN, Middle TN to be specific, and that means that a white Christmas usually equals ice and snow is a rare treat. I'm hoping for real snow, even if it means that I have to trudge through it in my boots to get to Civil Procedure in the morning. In all honesty, the idea of the powers that be cancelling classes and closing the law school because of snow is pretty much a fantasy. Nowka, the Contracts Professor, has entered the room and started class, so I will finish this back in the Shoebox.

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So I've returned to the Shoebox, taken out the trash, changed out of my sweater, loaded the dishwasher, and swapped my contacts for the glasses. I figured out my schedule, and now I'm making dinner. I've decided to cook a real meal of sorts, which is not easy when you live alone. Grocery shopping and cooking for one is a hassle; I'd almost say it would be easier to have one or two other people living here, or at least having meals. Tonight I am making Chicken Marinara over Whole Grain Rotini with Mozzarella Cheese; I've even made little rolls. Of course nothing is homemade because ingredients are just too expensive to make it for just one person, though I love to make my own marina and other tomato sauces. I've never been a fan of many store bought sauces. I know, I know, food snob. I often tell Jake that we should just get married so I don't have to cook for one anymore. Dinner will be done by the time I finish this entry, so I will post a picture of my masterpiece.

I need to spend the next two weeks leading up to Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend working on things so that I will not be far behind since for some reason Jake wants me to go with him on a church retreat to Gatlinburg that weekend. I've agreed, and it should be fun; however, I don't really want to be behind and have to spend all night catching up for the next week. That is not fun. I am looking foward to spending a little time with the Jake though, especially since time together is often rare and should always be treasured. Needless to say, I will be just a bit busy for a while.Thinking of busy, I have five regular classes this semester, plus BLS. I have about 30+ pages to read a night for each, which seems like it wouldn't be a lot except that cases, even just two cases, take a lot more time to read and analyze. Also, we had our first BLS class of the semester and I already have the first part of my material for the brief. It is the majority of my grade in that class, and I need to get a good grade to bring up my GPA. I will probably beginning taking notes on my brief Friday, since I don't have Friday classes, and then start researching soon so that I will be able to finish in plenty of time to edit and tweak the thing before its due. Fun times in the world of law school.

And now I present dinner:

Chicken Marinara Sauce.

It is roasted chicken cubes simmering in marinara sauce

What looks to be a super large portion of pasta and chicken.

I actually spread it out so that it would cool a bit faster.

Did you miss me?

2010-01-03T02:49:00.001-05:00

Well readers, I am back in my L-ville Shoebox (also known as my little apartment). I've hung up most of my clothes, opened a reed diffuser to make the Shoebox smell nice, attempted to order pizza and failed, and now I am relaxing on my couch watching the newer version of Pride & Prejudice (despite the fact that it is a really obvious chick flick). I won't lie, Pride & Prejudice is an excellent diversion with classes looming over my head, even if Mr. Collin's is a creeper. I will confess that I am amused by this movie. I need to make my grocery list and begin scheduling how I will manage my workload.

I haven't had much time to blog or even think until now, due to all the running about and travelling and general insanity that is the holidays. So I suppose I should throw out some of the general happenings, revalations, observations, and discoveries that I have had while I haven't been blogging.

Nic will remain in L-Ville for law school

Here's the deal, grades have come out and let's just say that I am not happy. My grades are not as high as I believed they should've been and because of that I will be unable to transfer to a school in TN. It simply will not be possible, and I am quite disappointed. But I will power through because if the good Lord means for me to be a lawyer then I will have to get through this. I suppose that I will just make the best of my time here. I can handle it; I will probably complain about it here, but I can handle it.

Christmas and New Years Happened

This was a given. Those things come regardless. Jake and I did holidays, which is to say that we spent a great deal of time on the road; we started in the Boro with my Aunt Bonnie's Christmas Eve, followed by the Strait family Christmas gathering that night, then both of us did Christmas morning with our parentals, followed by Christmas breakfast with Nanny, Christmas Lunch with the Halls, and ended with Christmas Supper at my Grandmother's. We barely had time to breathe, but there is something special about doing holidays. It gives a sort of permanence to our relationship, and its just sort of nice to have something we do together. There was a moment Christmas night that was really awesome. (Beware, Nic is gonna be a sap). Jake was watching the Titans game, which is not something that ever interests me, and I was sort of half laying on him and using him as a pillow. It was quiet and comfortable and perfect; I would give anything to do that more often, not going to lie. We also did a sort of New Years outing, which was nice. We went to see It's Complicated, which was an OK movie but not one I really want to see again. (Just say no to Alec Baldwin undressed). Then we did dinner at Chilis, always a treat, and then we went to his church to hang out for a while. It was an absolute blast. Also, while on the subject of Christmas, I got some pretty great stuff, books I wanted, clothes, and a really cool digital picture frame (a gift from Jake because he is thoughtful and awesome). I am, however, mildly jealous of the new toy he got; I used to say I had no use for a touch screen iPod, but now, after getting to mess with his for a bit, and looking it up, I think I may want one. They seem really nice.

The Future, It Looms

With Jake's graduation rapidly approaching and the fact that he will soon be in law school somewhere, the future is beginning to loom slightly. We had this idea, and it was awesome. "Let's get into the same law school; we can be together and support each other and work together and it will be great." I was going to transfer to a TN school, and we were goimng to give it a go. Then my grades came in, and that idea flew out the window. There are two distinct possibilities for what our relationship will be like. One is that he will go to either his first or second choice for law school, meaning our relationship will enter a land I will name "The Long Distance Desert" which is to say that we will have minimal contact due to the serious distance between us and the conflicting schedules that will surely arise. The second possibilty is that he comes here, his third choice, and we go from there. This is the part where the selfish part of me, the part that wishes simply for us to be together and doesn't care about much of anything else, and the mature part of me that loves Jake very much and only wants what would be best for him, the part that knows that he needs to be where he is happy and where he feels he should be, duke it out in a battle royale.
(SPOILER ALERT)
The mature part of me wins, of course, because I only want Jake to be happy, whatever that means, and I know that what I want shouldn't matter when it comes to his choice in law schools. The mature part of me puts that selfish part of me in a headlock and then body slams it with the reminded that part of what being a decent partner is all about is being supportive. You see, I love him with all my heart, and I want him to go to the law school where he feels he should be and to do what he needs to do in order to be happy and sucessful. If that means that we enter the "Long Distance Desert" for a while, so be it. I will pout and whimper, but I will live through it and support him; after all if our relationship can't handle the distance then it wasn't meant to be. To answer the questions: Will it hurt to do the distance thing, yes it will. Will I probably cry like a girl and have to grit my teeth and remind myself constantly that the distance is temporary, yes, constantly. Will it suck to be so far apart all the time, more than you can imagine. But I'd rather Jake be happy and comfortable and where he should be than be all wrapped up in my own world. He means that much to me. Call me a sap, but that's how I feel.

Nic sets goals instead of making resolutions

I feel like resolutions sort of fall apart every time I try to make them. I always forget or lose track or something else silly. So instead I will make a list of goals for the year. That way I know that I can achievement. So here are my four main goals:

Be swimsuit ready by this summer; it's going to take a lot, I mean a lot, of will power, stamina, and determination, but I think that I can manage it. In general I want to get into better shape because I am a mess.
Learn to be more patient; this is an in general issue having to do with lots of things. I'm bad about getting impatient, giving up, getting frustrated, and in general being a bit of a beast when things don't move at the pace I'd like them to move.
Pick something I've always wanted to do, like learn a foreign language, learn to dance, learn to draw, or something of that nature, and actually do it. Along the same lines, I will finish my novel, or at least get a huge chunk of it written
Be a better girlfriend, partner, and friend; to tell the truth at times I can be a selfish pain, and I'm not good at dealing with myself. I'm a mess and a handful and more often than not I'm not the kind of girlfriend you'd want. I'm going to try to be more patient and supportive and less of a mess.

Final Note

I am considering starting an "Ask Nic" type blog to go along with this one; something where people email in questions and I answer them. I know that I wouldn't get many emails, but it might be a fun thing to try out at least. I don't know.

And He Will Continue to Make Glad the Heart of Childhood

2009-12-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

I always think of the Yes, Virginia Editorial when people make a huge deal about how Santa isn't real. While you may not believe that he is a real person, the idea of Santa Claus is something that should be cherished, especially for kids. I mean Santa Claus is not about the gifts and cookies and milk and fat men in red suits. It's about love and faith and hope and generosity. I think that if you obsess over whether there really is a fat man in a red suit who comes down chimneys and eats milk and cookies and has flying reindeer, you are sort of missing the point. It is Christmas Eve I would like to share something with my readers that chokes me up every year. So here is the Yes, Virginia Editorial:

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Taken from Yes, Virginia

Sometimes its not easy

2009-12-17T19:29:00.000-05:00

So today the Jake and Nic Show went sort of dramatic today, and it was not fun. It's a funny thing, distance, sometimes it makes things easier and sometimes it makes things harder. Sometimes it makes you reluctant to talk about things because you don't want to spend what little time you have to talk or be together discussing unpleasant truths. Well, when that happens it all spills over into one big pile of "things we should've talked about ages ago but now we really have to talk about them". Then conversation is a long and unpleasant one that may or may not involve tears. I do not enjoy those kinds of things, but I'm sure no one does. It has been a rough day because of this. It's all fun and games until something goes awry.

Misunderstandings are the bane of my existence. Well, probably most people's existence, but at the moment I am talking about my own. Jacob somehow got the wrong impression about a lot of things, probably because Yours Truly is a mess and has difficulties. For one, he thought I wanted nothing to do with his family, but really I just haven't had much of a chance to be around them. Living in L-ville and having such a hectic and busy life, there have been very few opportunities for me to do things like that. I've promised to try to make things better because I love him and want to be a part of his life and his family is so very important to him. I curse my baggage, and I have some very unpleasant baggage for causing some of these issues to even arise. Some things stem from way back when we first started dating over a year ago, things I thought we were passed but apparently we weren't. But we are working on them now, and a lot of it is going to be me trying to shuffle and juggle to do it. I won't go into anymore detail about that part of the conversation because really, it's not something we need the world to know. I love him, and we have to get through this. I always dread moments like these, even though I know that they are normal really. No couple can be completely in-sync all the time, and every relationship will have rough moments along the way. The strength of your relationship is tested by these moments, and the real strength is being able to get through them. I guess it happened to us because we fell out of rhythm, and we didn't talk enough. I think maybe we have learned our lesson.

I think some people are meant to always fight for what they want, and I think that I'm one of those people. I foolishly thought that if we wanted it badly enough, if we fought hard enough, that we could have what we want without waiting so long. I foolishly hoped that it was our turn, that for once I wouldn't have to fight and we wouldn't have to struggle. I got my hopes up and then watched them crash; it seems to be a trend with me to be honest. The problem is that Jake and I met, and then our relationship sort of rocketed all the way to a brick wall. Neither of us expected it to happen, least of all me. I really just couldn't see that far forward. And part of it was that I like where we were going. We've been together a little over a year, and we are completely head over heels, and we've sort of reached this point where the next logical step, the one we really want to take, is to get hitched. But that can't happen right away or even in the next year by his calculations because things are just not in place yet. I had hoped that with a little planning, a lot of prayer, and some serious forethought and work we could manage to do what we want without having to wait the five years it will take to finish law school and pass the Bar. It sounds crazy that just because we are, or will be, both in law school, which only takes three years, that we will have to wait so long, but thats the logistics of it. I've done the math, looked at the options, and figure it out. Maybe its the crazy female in me, but I just hate the idea of a wait so long for something we want so much.

Maybe I'm not being entirely rational, even if I thought I was, but I've learned the hard way the over-thinking things just leads to more trouble. I guess that I was slightly blinded by the fact that I have finally found "the one" and I really love him. While I can barely think about such a long wait, I'm not giving up on us. In fact if anything I am more determined than ever to marry this man. I love him with all my heart, you see. I found something I thought I would never find again and I'm not about to let that go. Life rarely gives you second chances, and I'm not going to lose out this time. I love this man, despite all the problems we face. I'm determined.

Feeling Festive and What Not

2009-12-12T19:10:00.000-05:00

These are the gingersnaps I baked today just for kicks.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas 'round these parts. The Christmas Tree is all decorated and lit up; we did that here in the Boro the weekend after Thanksgiving. I've got Christmas music playing through out the house. And we are attempting to get the Christmas lights working to be put on the house. I've swept up tree needles off the floor twice already since I got home, mostly because Bear keeps eating them. Today I backed some gingersnaps; I was going to do gingerbread people but Bear is pretty bad about trying to get on the table, which is where I would be attempting to cut out cookies. He's still learning manners, and it takes some effort.

I think Jake and I finally have most of the holiday rounds figured out, but we still have to make sure everything is all settled. We have to be in five places this year; two on Christmas Eve and three on Christmas day. I think I may be looking forward to this, our second Christmas, more than I looked forward to our first Christmas as a couple. I guess because this is the first Christmas that we are going to make the family rounds, and it sort of makes things a bit more cemented. I guess I'm really looking forward to the first Christmas we will have in our own apartment after we are married. That will be a post for a later date though. This year however, will be sort of simple. We're making our own little holiday plans to have some Jake and Nic time, and then of course there are the family gatherings. I'm making so many desserts it isn't funny. I have to make a pecan pie for Christmas Eve and then all the peppermint fudge. Yes, dear readers, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

A Quick Cold Update

2009-12-08T17:03:00.000-05:00

It is cold, wet, and in general unpleasant outside. I had to make a run to the store earlier and then take out the trash, but I am not going back out in that mess again unless I absolutely have to do it. Instead I will spend the day relaxing on the couch, studying for Contracts, and marking my statutory supplement for the exam. The weather is supposed to be the same tomorrow, so I will definitely be spending it indoors. I wish I had more to blog about, but as it stands there is just nothing happening other than a lot of studying, peppered with some panicking, and the occassional moment of relaxation. Let's face it, law school has made my life dull. Mostly I'm just trying to stay motivated to finish up my studies so that I can relax for a few weeks. It's not easy to get motivated lately; I'm just tired (ok, more like exhausted). At the moment I keep staring at my copy of The Lost Symbol and supressing the urge to curl up on the couch under a blanket and read it instead of doing what needs to be done. Right now, I guess I will just leave you with this quick update and get back to work.

Thanksgiving Rewind

2009-12-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

So I meant to make a post on Thanskgiving about all that I am thankful for, but I had a very busy Thanksgiving weekend and couldn't find anytime. I had to use at least some of the time to study for finals, since yesterday was the first of four finals for me. I also travel, sort of, on Thanksgiving. We had dinner at Nanny's and then supper in Kentucky at my Grandmother's. At Nanny's we got on the subject of pies, no surprise, and how apparently I'm the only one who can make my Grandmama's Pecan Pie and my Nanny's No Fail Chocolate Pie. I am now on orders to learn to make my own pie crusts, and Grandmama would like me to come to her house to learn. At Grandmother's, my aunt Lynnisse and uncle Steve were doing wiring for my Grandmother, and my cousin Ben and his wife brought Kale and Bryce, their two children. It was loud and crazy, but that's pretty typical. The next day, Daddy (What, I'm Southern, I call my father Daddy) went with Grandmother to get the Christmas trees; it's sort of tradition. Well they took forever, and Mama, J.C., and I waited at the house. Some four almost five hours later Daddy calls and says that we need to come outside. Turns out that they had gone to the shelter where he'd been looking at a rescue rottie online, and he surprised me by bringing us Bear. He is a 14 month old rottie with papers and everything. I will snag pictures when he has put some weight on because he is seriously underfed. His former owner could no longer feed him and had to given him up, and at the shelter Bear let his kennel mate eat most of the food. He's a big baby, but he's sweet.

So what am I thankful for? I'll make it short because it's so late. I'm thankful for a lot of things. I'm thankful for the fact that I am able to live in a country where I can go to law school; I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to pursue my career choice. I'm thankful for the support of all my mentors who have guided me and given me such great advice. I'm thankful for my family, who love and support me. For Mama who will listen and give me advice. For Daddy who may pick on me but always comes through when I need him. For my little brother who may get on my nerves but is also sometimes cool. I'm thankful for Jacob, who loves me and supports me and puts up with me, even though I'm a mess, I have random meltdowns, and can be a real handful a lot of the time. I'm thankful that we have each other.

I also made some new earrings for my shop. So now the plug.

Nic's Jewelry Box

In Memory of My Sister (of the four legged variety)

2009-11-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

Meet Little Bit; she was our rescue Rottie, and she was my baby

One of the downsides of living away from home is that sometimes you get phone calls that aren't exactly pleasant and you are stuck alone in your apartment crying your eyes out. You see, on Monday night Mama called because Little Bit was going in for surgery because of a bad infection of her reproductive system. Well in the middle of our conversation the vet's office called and told her that when they opened her up it was too late, and that she was gone.

Let me tell you a little bit about our Little Bit. She was a rescue rottie that someone had not treated well. She'd been starved and beaten, and then the people had dumped her out at my Nanny's farm. We brought her to our house with the intention of finding her a good home, and we did, ours. We wound up adopting our foster dog, and she adopted me. I became her person, and eventually she slept in my room under my bed. This dog, named Little Bit because she was just a little bit of dog when we brought her home, had probably known little kindness in her life before we adopted her, and she didn't have the best experience with humans. She never quite learned that she didn't have to eat so fast and that she would always be fed, but she was getting better. When she came into our lives she chewed everything from broomhandles to belts, and I think it was because she had been hurt with them so many times. It took her a little while to get used to being touched, and while she grumbled and barked a little she allowed us to pet her. Adjusting was difficult because she wasn't raised properly from a puppy, but for a dog who had been through so much before us, Little Bit was good natured and sweet.

She had grown so used to me being home all the time that when I moved to L-ville for law school, she was having a difficult time adjusting. She would pretty much explode out of the house when I arrived home for the weekend, and sometimes if I came home at night instead of the afternoon she would have to be held back to keep her from jumping off the deck when she saw me. She was very attached to me, and I was attached to her. She was my baby girl, and I will miss her very much.

On The Other Side

2009-11-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to blog about this, but some of it might be interesting. Last weekend I was Judge Bulldog, instead of Captain Bulldog, for the first time. I was a mock trial captain last year, and it was my fourth and final year as a participant. This year I was invited back to judge the Midsouth Mock Trial Invitational. I plan to do this every year so long as I can and I am invited. I really enjoyed getting to see it all from another perspective, and it was pretty awesome to be able to sit and talk to coaches, judges, attorneys, and other former mockers. I also enjoyed getting to see the mockers who are still participating; being in KY while they are in Boro and only having a quick conversation on Facebook is not the same as getting to talk and hang out.

It was strange waiting for the rounds to let out, being out of a suit on a tournament weekend, and watching the teams trickle out. Sitting on the bench instead of at counsel table was a totally new perspective. I judged three rounds and presided once. Judges meetings last forever for a reason, and now I know why we used to spend all that time in the room waiting for the judges to arrive. Arriving in the round was strange, since everyone stood up for us instead of the other way around. And scoring was not easy. I'm very picky and harsh, so scoring was a challenge for me. I didn't want to be "that judge"; you know, the one everyone hates. I did give a couple of low scores though, cause I just had to do it. If they weren't good, they just weren't good. I saw some interesting things, and I almost wish I had taken pictures. I saw a witness with what I would like to call super high "hooker shoes". I kid you not, these were at least 7 inches tall stilettos with platforms. She was supposed to be an actress. It wasn't appropriate for court. I also saw two individuals, who I thought might be coaches. One of them was wearing the strangest outfit I had seem in ages. When I had seen her before, I thought that she might be playing a crazy witness, but then she appeared in the judges meeting. She was not a young woman and yet she was wearing this ridiculous black essemble complete with dress that was way too short, shimmering sleeves, and fantastic knee high boots with buckles and straps. When in Midlands.... The land of mock trial is always a trip.

After the tournament Dr. Vile and his wife hosted the annual gathering, and it was awesome. I got to see my old captain and my newbies from last year. It made me feel so old to see my newbies as captains and even the President of the organization. We swapped stories of the old days, talked about some of the crazy things we used to do in rounds, the way we used to fix mistakes. I met some of the newbies from this year, and there are some good ones. Of course, Jacob and I didn't do much more than hang out between rounds and at Dr. Vile's, and we snagged some breakfast on the run the morning of the second day. We are going to have to make up for that. We had planned to go to the movies or bowling or something after Dr. Vile's but that didn't pan out, at all.

That was weekend adventure on the other side.

Update and Run

2009-11-17T22:27:00.000-05:00

It's raining and cold and just plain unpleasant outside. By raining I mean it is absolutely pouring outside. It is not a good thing when I have to walk from the parking lot to the law school tomorrow. I am on the couch in my apartment, with SVU on television, my laptop in my lap, a glass of sweet tea, and my textbooks. I'm looking pretty rough in my hoodie and yoga pants with my hair pulled back and my glasses. But that's ok because Nic is comfortable while she works. With approximately two weeks left before finals I am now working to finish up my outlines. I will spend my Thanksgiving break studying and eating with my family. After December 10th I will be done with classes for the semester, and I will probably spend my winter break in the Boro since it's not really a long break. Hopefully there will be time to go to Ice and the movies and stuff with Jake like we did last year. I've also promised to try to make it to church with him when I can. I'm definitely looking forward to the break from the exhaustion that is law school. Don't get me wrong, I love law school, but it is tiring. Between outlining and reading in preparation for classes, it's sometimes hard for me to get a moment to just rest, especially when I need it most. I wasn't kidding when I talked about scraping bottom on my energy stores while working on the memo. The coming weeks of winter break are going to be a welcome relief.

The blog has been lacking in real content because nothing has been happening in my world that is really worth blogging about. That is the price of being a full time student, living far away from everyone, and having no time to do much. The most excitement I've had recently has been a quick breakfast with Jacob and the mock trial tournament I judged last weekend. Don't get me wrong, breakfast dates with the love of my life are great, and we are planning to have more of them. And I really love mock trial and judging was fun, so was seeing all my friends in the Boro, including my old captain. There are pictures but I look all gross and so I will not be stealing them from Rachel. I think that the next post may be a post about what its like to judge mock trial instead of participating.

To Write Love on Her Arms: An Early Post

2009-11-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

I believe in this movement because I believe that we were meant to love not only each other but also ourselves. I believe that there is always hope and that reaching out to someone who needs us is part of our job here on Earth. I believe that God put us on this Earth not as strangers, but as brothers and sisters, that He wants us to find each other and to know that we are never alone. I believe in love and hope and faith and the power of prayer. I believe that we are never so lost that God can't find us, and I believe that we are never broken that God can't help us repair. I believe that every person can be an angel to someone else, and I believe that we shouldn't be turning our backs but instead holding out a helping hand.

I'm writing love on my arm, are you?

I know that I will be too busy to blog tomorrow since I'm having a girl's day out with Mama during the day and then I'm going to be at MTSU judging mock trial tomorrow night. However, I really wanted to do this post because it is really important to me and I'm trying to make this blog worth what visits it gets. Tomorrow is To Write Love on Her Arms day, and if you don't know what that is click this link right here: TWLOHA. It's a movement about self love and the prevention of self injury and suicide; it's about fighting addiction and depression and And it's personal for me for a reason I will get to in a moment. So tomorrow on the inside of my left wrist in small black letters you will find the word love; I'd do it a little bigger but there is a need for me to look at least semi-professional and presentable at the tournament.

I said that for me TWLOHA is personal. That's because when I was a sophomore in college, which seems so long ago, I lost a good friend to suicide; it's something that I will never really forget. That phone call from a friend who was like a brother, hearing his voice shake as he tried to tell me the news, the tears I could hear over the phone, they are as clear to me as that night I got the midnight message. I can still feel the shock, the pain, the confusion, and the loss like it happened yesterday. The scream in my head was that this was some sick joke, that it could never happen to one of us. We were invincible, all powerful, untouchable, blessed. Our diverse group had seen enough damage, emotional baggage, and hurt. But in the end that stuff just seemed so petty and minor. Who gave a damn about break ups, hang ups, and stupid fights? He was dead, and we couldn't bring him back. We'd broken the one thing we'd promised as people began graduating and moving. To always be there; to never let anything happen to us. I can still remember the funeral, the tears running down my cheeks, the sudden realization of my own mortality, the way the wind cut through my sweater as I stood beside my friends watching the casket lower into the ground, and the way we all tried not to fall to pieces. It was not the first time that I knew someone who had committed suicide, but it was the first time it was so close to me. I remember thinking: "God, why did You let this happen? Why take him from us? Why didn't You stop him? Why didn't You give us some kind of sign that he needed us?" And I remember blaming myself for not noticing, for letting our little group of friends fall apart just because we were no longer having lunch all together and meeting up as often, for being too wrapped up in the drama and insanity of my own life. I remember wondering most of all: Why he felt there was no other answer, why he thought that it was the only way, why he hadn't come to me or to any one of our group? Did he think we didn't care, that we wouldn't drop everything to save him, that we wouldn't listen, that we could not do anything? He was supposed to be the sane one, and he had been our rock when we needed him. He'd talked us through so many hard times. He'd kept us together. I remember feeling as though we'd failed him, though I knew that we hadn't really. We'd loved him, and we hadn't known he was in trouble. I still wonder what life would be like had we known something and been able to save him. Would our little group have stayed together instead of scattering to the winds? I don't know, but I do know that I will always miss him and always wish that something had saved him. I remember him because he was my friend, because he was my brother, and because I loved him like a brother.

So I write love on my arm for Nathan, who saw no other option, for the friends we've all lost, and the one's we will try to save. I write love on my arm and whisper a prayer for those who need help. I ask God to send an angel to those people who are lost and searching for an answer. I write love on my arm because my life matters and so does everyone else's. I write love on my arm because we are all in this together and because you never know when you will turn the corner and find someone in need. I write love on my arm in memory of those who have gone and those who are saved. I write love on my arm for everyone out there.

Quick Update From the Tired Nic

2009-11-09T21:40:00.002-05:00

I am scraping the bottom of my energy reserves at the moment, which is probably why I am wearing a hoodie that is three times or more too big and my hair is all curly and held back in a jaw clip and I barely have enough make up on to cover up my face. Needless to say, I'm tired, and the reason for my drained body is the same as the reason there hasn't been a post since Tuesday. That gorram memo. I finished all 3000 words of it, finally, this morning at about 10 AM or so. I have been dragging about for the last week, struggling to keep caught up and finish the memo, and having a minor panic attack due to the fact that I have to send my laptop, the nice new one I bought in September, out for repairs because according to the tech folks, it's having a hardware issue that must be repaired by the HP people. Too bad for Nic there are no HP Authorized Service Providers anywhere near her; so it has to be shipped to HP for a repair that could take two weeks to get it back instead of going into a repair place and having it repaired in a day or two. This is not a good time to be having technology issues. I take finals is three weeks, counting this one, and I plan to take them on my laptop because I type faster than I can write and it's hard for me to write for long periods of time because my right wrist is so messed up. I woke up this morning to find my living room filled with case law. I'm not kidding, there are stapled copies of the various cases I was writing my memo with, which is the signal that the apartment must be cleaned before I leave for the weekend. I don't have enough energy today to post a decent entry, so I promise that tomorrow I will write again.

Warning: Train of Thought Crossing

2009-11-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Good news: Today's weather was actually nice enough that since I don't have class until 2:25PM and only have one textbook (Contracts) to carry along with my bag and purse I could walk to the law school. I love being able to walk to class.

It's the first week of November, the weather here in the North is still refusing to pick a temperature, and my life is filled to the brim with things to keep me busy. I've got the Open Memo (foul creature that it is) due next Monday, which means that I have to show up early enough to turn the thing in even though my first class of the day will not be until one in the afternoon. I guess I will spend that morning in the library working on the outlines for Torts and CivPro (Also known as the land of Mordor) since those are my classes for the day. Both outlines are in bad need of an update. Speaking of outlines, I need to have all my outlines updated before next weekend, especially since I'm going to be in the Boro to judge mock trial rounds for the MTSU tournament. Nerdy though it is, I'm excited about that. Finals are in about four weeks, and it scares the crap out of me. Law School finals are not like undergrad finals. Undergrad finals are just the last chunk of your grade when you are a college student. Law School finals are your only grades when you are a law student. So I want my outlines updated and ready for typing ASAP, especially that CivPro outline. CivPro is really the only class I am having trouble in, and I can't stand it. I get so frustrated because I can go into the classroom, having read all the material and think I have an understanding of what I should know, but then the professor speaks and I am lost. I am actually terrified of that exam. Torts, I understand; Property, I get the basics and will just have to review the different rules thoroughly. Contracts, I'm not having much difficulty in despite the strange way the class tends to go.

I think I need to come up with some better responses to the question "So how is law school?" Seriously, mostly what I say is that it’s different; it keeps me busy, and it’s interesting, all of which are fairly lame answers to the question really. I love law school minus CivPro and BLS, and I love that I am learning a lot. I wish I could share some of the hilarious jokes that crop up, but they are just not as funny to people who aren't in law school or aren't going to be in law school soon. I laugh when someone says “Torts makes me want to commit assault and battery" But I'm sure people outside here will just look at me funny when I say it. Law school does make you see the world differently. Daddy (I'm Southern, so yes, I call my father Daddy) was talking about a friend he knew who was considering a law suit. After hearing the facts I spouted off promissory estoppel and why it fit. It's good that I know that, since it's important for the final, but it's strange that I can do that now. I see the legal issues in all sorts of things. I do, however, wish that people wouldn't say I'm in graduate school. Law School is not Grad School; Grad School is for wimps.

I need a new camera. (Whoa, random subject change) I've had my current one for several years, and it has been a good one. But it is beginning to show it's age and the wear and tear of thousands of pictures is starting to get to it I think. My little Samsung has seen better days, though it did serve well all summer what with the 60+ pictures I took at the zoo. It's scratched from all the times little cousins have excitedly tapped it's screen when shown pictures of themselves; it's scuffed up from all the different places it's been scooted, stashed, tucked away, and hidden. The pictures are not as clear and pretty sometimes, which saddens me, and it is often a little weak. It's gotten harder on batteries lately, and so I have to turn it off and charge them more often. I tried to take pictures of my earrings to put in the shop, and very few of them turned out well, which was a disappointment. I wound up having to let Nanny take pictures with her camera. I think that if I don't get one as a gift before then, I will save up my jewelry money and buy myself a new one. For now I will just make do, since I want to take pictures at the tournament next weekend.

Thinking of jewelry, I made five new designs for earrings last weekend; I was really happy with three of them in particular. I left them with Mama to take to work to sell, and I forgot to take pictures of them for the shop. I'm slightly disappointed because they were really awesome designs, and I wanted to see if they would sell better online than what I have now. I guess I will just have to make a few more and photograph them if Mama sells the ones she has before I get home next weekend. I've got some great ideas for necklace/earring sets that I want to try, and I've found tons of new beads for jewelry. But first I need to sell most if not all of the pieces I've made so far. I'm thinking my sales will increase when it gets closer to Christmas. (Fingers are crossed)

A Year Ago Today

2009-10-29T11:30:00.001-04:00

In August of 2008, I was dating the ex and playing havok in an unhealthy way trying to manage a relationship that was spiraling southward. It was not an easy month, and it didn't help that it was the first month of my last year in undergrad. I was working my way to becoming a college graduate and the nerves got to me. So did the prospect of law school applications. It was that same month that Jake walked into my life. Oddly enough, he was in all my classes that semester except my English ones. He was even in mock trial, which is my domain and always will be. We talked, a lot, and despite the fact that I am usually less than approachable and friendly when it comes to new people, we became really good friends. We had a lot in common, and not just our accents. Sure enough, Jacob became one of my closer friends, and I discovered that it was a lot easier than I thought it would be to talk to him. What I didn't discover was that he wanted to be more than friends.

In September of 2008, the week after I turned 21 to be exact, I was betrayed. The ex had cheated, or maybe he'd just not gotten around to telling me that our three year relationship that was supposed to eventually become a marraige was actually over. Either way, Nic was single, but she was not really available. I did a lot of crying, and I did a lot of asking God for help, and I did a lot of hating the male species. I was sullen and unpleasant. People noticed that I wasn't exactly myself, but I clung to my misery and pretty much wallowed. It was not an attractive period for me. Jacob was there for me, and he listened as I held out hope for something to change and whined and dragged him along as I walked down memory lane. Knowing now that he wanted more than friendship, Jake's listening to me and being there for me is almost noble. I know that it could not be easy to listen to someone you want to date go on and on about the guy that broke her heart.

In October of 2008 Nic got her groove back. I have always been a flirt, and the unpleasantness had sort of diminished that in me. But then I somehow managed to revive, and I also became less dense. Perhaps it was that brick wall I started building around my broken heart, but it took me until October to pick up on the fact Jacob liked me. I flirted, mainly because it's what I do, and I started to think that maybe, as crazy as it seemed at the time, I was developing an attraction to him. It took until close to the end of the month for him to ask me out. But he did, and I said yes, despite me reservations. We started simple, just dinner, and it was fun. We talked a lot, and we still do. Thus began Jake and Nic, and it has been a fun adventure that kept going.

By May of 2009 we'd been on too many dates to count, and we'd become closer than I thought I'd get to anyone again. I started to wonder if there could be more to my feelings than the whole "I find this guy attractive and spending time with him is nice..." And guess what! There was. I was falling for him, even though I was digging in my heels and resisting because I am damaged goods. Turns out though, Jacob is pretty awesome with the super glue/glue gun/duct tape(because if you can't fix it with duct tape or a bandaid, well then you should probably just give up), and he managed to repair my ~~broken~~ shattered heart. And as I was getting ready to head into the house after the mock trial awards banquet, he said those three little words. "I love you", and I found out that I could say them too and mean them with all my heart. Apparently, its now noticeable that we are in love, which is cool, and Jake and I are planning our future.

That brings us to today, October 29, 2009. It's been a year, and it's been a great one. Here's looking forward to many more years of love and happiness and craziness in this adventure we call life.

The "We" Factor

2009-10-22T14:29:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, right as Civil Procedure (also known as the devil's playground) was about to start, I get a text from Jake; we'd been talking through lunch, but normally the texts stop for a little while after that. The timing, however, does not matter. This is how the conversation went:

J: I know you aren't crazy about memphis sweetheart but I think we need to look into it. (bolding by me)
N: Why?
J: Are you still wantin to do child advocacy?
N: It's on the list
J: They've got a big program apparently in child and family law. And they offer a joint j.d./m.a. in political science.
----Some time later----
N: Do you you seriously think we should consider memphis as an option.
J: I think we have to. (Bolding by me)

Why is this simple conversation so blogworthy? Well some time after my last text, Jake calls, and we continue to discuss the Memphis option. It involved various important aspects like ensuring that we both get into the school and where, if we were to go there, we would be living. There was a lot of "we" talk in that discussion, including where we would definitely not be living. Funny thing is, it's been a long time since I could discusss any sort of future or current situation involving a "we" without crying my eyes out (due to crappy exes) or getting frustrated (due to crappy set backs). But yesterday, as I was lounging on my couch and watching Criminal Minds or maybe it was Stripes, I don't remember, it hit me: Jacob and I were discussing the "we" factor. It's no longer simply Jacob's future or Nic's future; it's our future, and I like it that way. There have been other "we" factor discussions, like "How are we doing holidays this year?" But this is a bit different. Making a decision to arrange it so that we are in the same law school in an effort to arrange it so that we can get married is another story all together. And yes, readers, we have been contemplating getting married. Actually, that's been a thing of discussion for a few months.

There is something special about the "we" factor; I'd like to think that I'm not incredibly selfish and whatnot, but I do know that for a long time my primary focus has always been where I will be in the future, what I want to do with my life, and things of that nature. I think that is normal, so don't think I am saying it's not. When you are single, or simply dating and not thinking about that couple's future, then you are primarily concerned with your own future, and not how it relates to other people. But then if you meet someone you fall in love with and decide that you want a future with them you have to consider the "we" factor. I'm not talking about a cease in your independence (the feminist side of me rages against that sort of thing) or rearranging your entire life around one person; I'm talking about taking into consideration how you want your future with someone to go. There is a difference between "Where are we going to go for dinner on date night?" and "Where are we going to law school and where will we live while we are there?" The "we" factor excites me because it's like the beginning of a new chapter in my life (and it's not a crappy rewrite of the last time I tried; I ripped those pages up and tossed them, metaphorically speaking).You'll have to forgive the crazy book type references, but hey, I warned you that I was a bibliophile.

The "we" factor doesn't mean that I will no longer be Nic and that he will no longer by Jacob; instead it means that I will be Nic with a side order of Jacob (so that may be the best way for my to describe it). Of course that would mean that he will be Jacob with a side order of Nic. Or maybe it's like when you go to a restaraunt and get two entrees instead of an entree and sides. Nic and Jake are like the main dishes at the meal. I'm rambling a bit because the crazy is taking over. My point is that I'm not giving up my identity, and he is not giving up his. We are simply being ourselves together. I'm excited about it really. (have I said that?) I love him and the "we" factor just cements that.

Back to Contracts for Nic

Nic is all Crafty and Such

2009-10-20T11:25:00.001-04:00

So I have always had a penchant for making stuff; I mean I've always been into making my own jewelry, costumes, food, and any number of things. I try not to spend a lot on things I really don't need like new books (though being a bibliophile makes almost a need), new music to put on my iPod, games for my DS (don't judge me, I like to play the ones that are a mental challenge), and other fun things that distract me from the reality that is law school. I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to have some extra money because, after all, I want things and need money to get them. There are also other plans that I would like to save money for, but I won't get into them at this point. So I went to Michael's in the Boro (a place that never ceases to rob me of my money every time I go in there) and bought beads and findings and pretty silver chain; those were added to my incredibly girly little jewelry making kit, which has wire cutters, round nose pliers for loops, and needle nose pliers for bending things. Then I went home, to the house belonging to the 'rents, and made some pretty earrings. Those are now on my etsy site (link to follow at the end of the post). I also gave like six pairs of earrings to my Nanny to take to work to sell; I need to get some red beads to make pieces in the WestSide School colors because they will sell like crazy. Mama is also into this whole make extra money thing and is selling Avon, which is cool; she promises to take some of my pieces to work with her as well and is even offering to buy me more beads.

Leafy Earrings, you know you want them!

This is one of my favorite pairs. I love the leaf beads, but they come ten to a string so if I want to make more of them I have to buy three or more strings. I'm slightly irritated by this because I have several ideas for some leaf inspired earrings. I'm also designing Christmas earrings, even though I know that's months away. What I need to do is come up with a banner for my shop and also a logo to stick on the pretty little boxes I will be using to ship the earrings and stuff. I'm hoping that after this weekend I will have a little extra time to come up with some designs for not only earrings but maybe a couple of necklaces. Hopefully when I go back to TN my Nanny will have sold what I gave her, and thus I will be able to buy more beads to make more jewelry in some new designs. Call me a freak, but I love this stuff. I'm also working on designs for a few presents for Christmas and birthdays; my Nanny also wants me to figure out a way to lengthen a necklace she bought at a flea market or yard sale or something like that. It's a pretty piece, but too heavy for my taste; I should be able to get some amber colored beads and make it work.

I also seem to be in need of a creative Halloween costume; the subject of today's entry is not Jake and I, but just so you know, our one year anniversary is next week and so we will hopefully be going out that weekend. Since at the moment he has that Friday off, it means that I will be at home in the Boro for Halloween and will need to be costumed. If there is a costume, I will try to get pictures, and I will definitely have pictures of the awesome pumpkins I know my dad will be carving. Halloween is fun in the R family household, and I look foward to the pumpkins and stuff every year. I'm thinking for my costume this year buying a red wig and digging out tights and a mini skirt for a version of Julia Roberts' Erin Brockovitch, but more than likely I will go a bit cheaper and do some thing with a witch's hat, some awesome shimmery purple fabric I bought a couple years ago, and purple eyeliner. If I was staying in L-ville I would be at the Decedent's Ball and would have to go all out with my costume, but I'm not, so I will probably cheat a little. And yes this is relevant because creating my own costume counts as crafty. Well it's back to Memo-land for me, so I leave you with the link to my etsy shop.

VISIT NIC'S JEWELRY BOX

Looking Back at What I Am

2009-10-15T15:37:00.000-04:00

Last post I talked about making progress, well yesterday while working out I did some thinking. I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I was thinking about how things have gone in my life, especially my size and body image. It's been a different sort of progression for me because honestly I would've thought that by now I would be more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was in the middle school years, though I went to a K-8 school, I was fairly comfortable. I was a tall girl, which isn't a great thing, but I was also sort of slim, but not skinny. My main issues were that I had scars, wore glasses, didn't have the coolest clothes, and that my parents wouldn't allow me to wear make up or shave my legs. I was not concerned with my weight, nor was anyone else considering that I played sports and was an active kid. I managed to get through those years without much concern really, even though I had friends who were on diets their doctors had put them on and who had eating issues in a way that I did not. I mentioned once or twice wanting to lose weight, simply because I had friends who were trying to do it, but in reality, as long as I kept playing sports, I could eat what I wanted and not get much bigger. And this continued for me up into my freshman year of high school. By the end of my freshman year I was still not concerned about my body image, other than my hair and skin really, and I had shot up nearly 6 inches and gained 15 pounds or so. Everything sort of evened out on my body because I was so tall. But that year was the last time I was required to take gym and life got too busy for me to keep up with sports and things.

My sophomore year I joined the theater kids, and the phrase "I can't I have rehearsal" became a huge part of my vocabulary. Slowly but surely I started to gain weight, and being so busy I just sort of ignored the fact. But then junior year rolled around and I was a "Drama II" which meant I was part of the primary acting company, so to speak. It meant that I did a lot more and had a lot more rehearsal because the Drama IIs were more than just extras in the shows. It also meant that I had to change in the dressing rooms on a regular basis, and it was becoming fairly obvious to me that I was not small at all. I began to dread changing costumes among my fellow women. I felt like a huge blimp around them, and that continued into my senior year of high school, when I dreaded prom dress shopping to some extent because I knew how hard it would be. Eventually though I did accept that I was not going be small ever again because I was built wide and tall, and that it was in my genes; I would only ever be able to be fit and curvy.

College hit, and I did in fact gain the horrifying freshman 15. It sort of happened when I wasn't looking. But in the process, I joined mock trial and was once again faced with the knowledge that I was surrounded by these sort of small girls. I found myself feeling awkward around them because they were all cute and little and I was big and gawky and gross. There came a time when I had a coach pull me aside and took me into his office and implied that next to my small, slender female co-counsel I was huge; I have never forgotten that, though I'm sure that he has, and it changed the way I saw myself in the court room. I felt like a massive vulture in my black suit and heels looming in the court room. I was always bigger than my fellow female attorneys, and while it shouldn't have mattered, it did. I kept it to myself, but it bothered me to know that I was the huge one. I felt like I would always be the fat and ugly attorney at the table, and it was crazy. I was definitely not the good looking attorney.

That brings me to where I am now. I am a 22 year old law student who is 5 foot 6 inches tall and way heavier than she would like to be. I am still not quite comfortable in my own skin; I get sort of unsettled when I notice people looking at me while I'm working out. But I'm getting a bit better. I have days when I feel great, especially after a really good work out. I may never be a size 2, but I will never be that 19 year old girl in her coach's office being told that she looks huge next to her co-counsel again.

Mile Marker 101

2009-10-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

I've made progress dear readers. Last week I walked to and from class every day, including the day of my exam, and it is a half mile walk one way. I am proud to say that it did not leave me as winded and tired as it did the first time I did it, several weeks ago. I've found that I actually want to go work out, which may seem strange, but its the truth. I look forward to whatever the workout of the day is, no matter if it's going to be a long one or a short one. I've noticed that I can see a difference in the definition of my calf muscles, which is something I could never do before, not even when I was in high school. I've also discovered my favorite, run around the apartment shorts, which are a pair of gym shorts like I used to wear in high school, fit looser around my thighs than they used to. I also can only wear some of my older pants if they have been drastically shrunk in the dryer on hot three or four times. If I can keep this up I will meet my goal for November, and then be able to meet my overall goal by this summer. I know that it will not be easy to be all trim and stuff by this summer, but if I can keep going to the gym and eating fairly decently I will be able to do it. I do know that I will never be the kind of woman who can stop exercising and eating right and not gain back the weight she's lost, but once I've lost it I will feel better about keeping my routine because I will know that it works. Currently I'm still struggling with my stomach, but I think my face has thinned some and I'm pretty sure my body is finally getting the message that it isn't supposed to be as fat as it is.

Last Monday I turned in the Closed Memo, which offered me some relief. But then we were assigned the Open Memo, which is longer and involves doing our own research; I'm going to be starting my research for it tomorrow at lunch. Let the fun begin. Last Friday was my first ever law school exam; I sat for my Legal Research final exam. It went well, and that's about all I will say about it. The first rule of law school is that we don't talk about exams or grades. The plan is to be all caught up with my outlines and notes by the end of the week. I fell a little behind trying to work on the memo and study for the exam, so I'm going to finish up my practice problems for Property and then do outlines tonight. I want to be all caught up by the weekend since Jacob and I plan to go out.

Falling for Fall

2009-10-04T23:18:00.000-04:00

October has come at last and with it fall weather. I love this season because the air is crisp, the weather is clear, and in general it is just beautiful. I will probably break out the camera and take a thousand and one pictures of the leaves changing and things like that. At the moment I am sitting in my apartment, contemplating making some coffee, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and working on my memo, which is due bright and early in the morning. The good news is that the memo is in the final editing stages, and mostly the work is just checking and rechecking the grammar and spelling and citations. The bad news is that every time I think I'm done with it I find something else I feel needs to be changed or added to the thing. I think I may give it one maybe two more reviews and then I will just save it and close it. There is only so much that I can do to make it perfect. My eyes are tired, and my head is killing me. Now none of this has to do with fall, but I felt like saying it anyway. Back to the subject of the blog.

Like I said earlier, I love this season. I love fall clothes. I love light jackets and boots with light weight sweaters. I love being able to dress warm without having to bundle up in fifteen jackets and thick sweaters. Small problem here is that I seem to have worn out my fall wardrobe over the last year or two and need a new one. Too bad I don't like to buy clothes when I'm trying to lose weight. I love the crunch of leaves under my feet. I may be a little weird, but the fact that fall brings football is not one of the reasons that I adore this season. I've never been a football fan; I just have nIever been able to get into it, no matter how hard Jacob tries to get me to watch. I do however love Halloween and bonfires and all the beauty that the season has to offer. Fall is the best time for bonfires and gatherings like that because it's not so hot and miserable sticky that you don't want to be outside, and it's not so teeth chattering cold that you can't stay out without freezing to death. It's also some of the best weather to be curled up with someone special, which is why being in law school by myself in fall can be a drag. There are nights and weekends when I am sitting alone in my apartment typing away at a brief or highlighting cases in my books when I would really like to be snuggling up with Jacob instead.

This season does present a small problem for me. Fall and winter are the two seasons when I always gain weight; I guess it's because I eat too much and get sort of lethargic and dormant. I find myself more tired and just moving much slower. They are the seasons of treats, pies, candies, and big family meals, and my family eats a lot. I am actually making 7 pounds of fudge to be wrapped in pretty tins to take to various Christmas gatherings. I was proud of myself because I have manage to avoid the Halloween candy two or three times now while shopping, which is pretty awesome; usually I buy a bag or two to hide for later. But during fall and winter holidays I tend to nibble a lot without paying much attention to what I am doing. I begin to get busy with work in the fall, especially with exams, and when Christmas vacation rolls around I am just so very very tired that I don't want to exercise or anything. That however has to change this year. I am working way too hard to gain all the poundage back. I am slowly shrinking in the proper places already, and I am not about get fatter.

Set Backs and New Goals

2009-09-29T20:45:00.000-04:00

In light of my upcoming appearance at the Mid-South Invitational at MTSU, I've decided to set myself a goal. I figure at least for the first round I judge I will wear a suit, and my old one looks pretty shabby. So I've decided that, since I will need one for interviews soon, I'm going to put back some money to buy a new one. But I don't want to buy a new one while I'm still sort of big, only to have to have it tailored or buy a new one because I've dropped a few sizes. That would be impractical. So I'm going to wait and get one in November, before the tournament.

New Goal: Drop 2 sizes by November 13th
New Plan: No more skipping workouts just cause I don't feel like hitting the gym; No more skipping Friday work outs unless I go home and no more skipping weekends (even if it means hitting the treadmill at the 'rents house); no more crappy eating habits due to classes and work

So like the title says I've set myself back, and that means that I am major disappointed in myself. I usual routine is to work out 3 or 4 times a week, depending on how busy I am; I've been working out Monday through Thursday, and I was making progress. Well, I didn't work out last weekend, and then yesterday I didn't feel good and was just not feeling into the idea of hitting the exercise bike. I've got to do something different, but my only other choice is the elliptical and at the moment that hurts my knees way too much. Well today I got on the bike and barely made my old time, much less my current time. I was hurting so bad that I had to quit. I was so frustrated that I was nearly in tears because I feel like I sabotaged myself and set myself back. It's hard enough for me to lose weight as it is; I don't need to make it any more difficult for myself. I'm kind of pissed at myself because today I treated myself to a Frosty at lunch, and I've been sort of crappy with my dieting, so I just made things worse. Also, Nic needs a good ab workout, other than just crunches because they don't seem to work very well. I'm trying a new idea from Jacob, but I'd like some others.

Long Weeks and Even Longer Weekends (Also, long entries)

2009-09-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

It has been a long week. I arrived earlier in the week to find in raining in L-ville, and it has been raining almost nonstop since I got here. That means that I have been walking to and from the parking lots in the rain with no umbrella because I discovered that my MTSU umbrella, which I had been carrying since my sophomore year in undergrad, was bent beyond repair. I refuse to pay $10-$20 on campus for an umbrella or to drive all over town looking for a cheap place to buy one. Today when I go to Wal*Mart after the structured study group I fully intend to buy an inexpensive one because there has been no word on when it is supposed to stop raining. In fact it is still pouring outside as I type this entry. As though my current location needed to be in danger of even more flooding issues. Also, it is not fun to have to wiggle your way into your car with your books and laptop bag while it is raining because the people parked around you don't seem to understand that you put your car between the lines on the pavement that mark your parking space. I try to be nice and not scratch their pretty little plastic car with the door of my big metal tank, so it takes twice as long to get in that it should. I'm not a small woman, and so I have to wiggle my hips and do a strange combination of dance and contortion in order to squirm my way into my blazer.

I usually don't complain about my hair or anything, but seriously this wet weather has turned me into a gigantic fuzzball. Also, it makes it take twenty or thirty minutes longer to get ready, and all that time is wasted when I step outside the apartment. My hair is all frizzy, wavy, and out of control, and it gets in my way. I've got the layers in this mess, and they are really a pain lately because I can't just pull it all back and leave just my bangs. Instead it all falls out and the ponytail just looks like I've never brushed my hair. And it's difficult to get anything done when I keep having to push my hair out of my face. I guess I will have to invest in some headbands or bandanas, which is a bit ridiculous because I have sort of short hair. Also, I am definitely having Mindy, the brilliant woman who cuts my hair, fix it so that I don't the extra layer on top; hopefully that will fix this mess. Low maintenance, but still attractive, hair is a must for Nic while she is in law school.

I've discovered that I live among some ridiculously ill-mannered ~~reavers~~ undergrads who run down the halls of the apartment building screaming at each other and play whatever they pretend is music extremely loud. I honestly thought there was a fight right outside my door the other night because there was a group of boys outside yelling obcenities at each other, but it turned out that they were apparently just joking around. Nic was not amused. Also, as it turns out, my bedroom window is right next to the balcony, and one night at around midnight when I was so drained I couldn't think and the last of my caffiene had finally worn off I wound up listening to some guy talking for thirty minutes about how he thought he loved some girl. Last night I retreated to my bedroom in attempt to avoid the pounding music from my neighbors. I arrived home Tuesday afternoon to the sounds of some strange hip hop music that was so loud that I could hear it all the way in the laundry room with three dryers and two washers going. I swear it's ridiculous. Why does the entire apartment have to hear what you are listening to?

Yesterday I checked my rent situation, which has been out of whack since I got to KY six weeks ago, to discover that it is huge mess and has gotten worse. So now when I get back from my shopping I have to call them and jump through all their hoops so that I can get that taken care of because I can't leave it unsettled. As though I had time to deal with that stupidity, which I will not get into other than to say that they are charging me rent for two apartments and I only live in one. On top of that I have got to get my rough draft done this weekend, and so I will be spending almost all my time hiding in the apartment writing. My current goal for the weekend, besides making sure my class stuff is done, is to have a complete draft of the memo done and have my outlines all caught up. This should be enough to keep me completely busy.

Breakin' down the Block

2009-09-22T14:47:00.001-04:00

I've hit a bit of a blogger's block recently, probably because I've been so busy with classes; between reading cases for class discussions, outlining notes for finals, which I know are months away but I have to start early, and writing my first memo, which sounds deceptively short, I haven't had much time to breathe. I barely had time to work in my workout, which consisted of the 1/2 mile walk to classes and the 1/2 walk back last week because I had car trouble. Any way, I figured I would give my readers a little information about what its like to be in law school and some bits of wisdom/snark that I've picked up recently. After all this is week six of fourteen.

First of all, in undergrad I took McDaniel courses, had Clyde for quite a few classes, and did mock trial, which were actually really good preparation for the adventure that is law school. There is a lot of reading and studying, and I spend at least three to four hours a night with the laptop up, my casebooks out, and a set of highlighters. This is just in preparation for class discussions; I have to brief between two and four cases per class in order to keep up, and then I go back and type up my briefs and compile my notes after each class in order to be able to create my outlines, which are very important. having McDaniel has taught me to read massive amounts of material, synthesize it for class discussion, and to manage my time between readings well. Mock Trial gave me something extra to balance, and learning that art of balancing it all has really helped me get through, I will talk about that later in this entry though.

Outlines are also very important for studying for finals, which begin right after Thanksgiving Break. So I guess I should explain why I am already working on them with finals so very far away. In law school you cover a large amount of material in a relatively short amount of time, which means that if you wait too long to get started on compiling your notes from class then you will spend the last three weeks of classes in full on panic mode worrying about how you will study your wide and varied notes thoroughly enough to be able to pass your finals. So I started outlining about a week and a half ago, and I spend at least an hour and half, often more, updating them after we finish a chunk of information in class. I have a separate spiral notebook for each class, and I am currently writing out my outlines, but when it gets closer to crunch time I will be typing them up and reorganizing them so that I get a second massive dose of working through the materials. It's not fun or exciting, but it is important.

I've been spend a good two hours a night every other night working on my Closed Memo for BLS. Now you might think that working on a memo would be a quick task that would take an hour max to finish. And you would be wrong. The memo is actually a 1600 words or less monstrosity that is right now looming over my head and haunting my like Jacob Marley. It's due October 5, and I am only about 1/3 of the way through my draft. It seems that every time I try to make some progress on it I get stuck. I did, however, finish my statement of facts, and it actually looks like it might be right. The thing has four basic parts, and I haven't even really gotten deep into the hardest part of it. But with a little more perseverance I should be able to get through it. It's frustrating, but not impossible.

I've made several discoveries over the past six weeks. First of all, there is an art to being able to balance law school and the rest of life, and I'd like to think I am doing a fairly good job of it. I manage to stay pretty much caught up and ahead in classes, find time to talk to Jake and the family on a regular basis, eat decent and pretty healthy meals, have at least an hour or so of relaxation every other day or so, and make time to go down to the fitness room in the apartment building for a workout. I have only had one melt down, and that was over something that was not completely law school related. Now if I could just find time to read my new Dan Brown novel; I'm afraid I will start reading it and get nothin' done until I finish it. They aren't lying to you when they tell you that law school is a full time job. But it is managable. I even figured out a way to be able to occassionally go home to TN in order to visit my family and the boyfriend. My "To Do" list grows, but with a bit of hard work I can keep it pruned down. I'm managing to keep up.

I've discovered that there are a lot of different kinds of law students around here, and then there are just plain strange people. I sit by a variety of characters, and at some point I will have to make a list of the "species" I've encounted. For now I'll just tell you about a few of the more annoying ones. First, there are the entitled people; I figure they feel entitled to two or three chairs to theirselves no matter how busy and crowded the room is, since they insist on not putting their bags on the floor and will use an extra chair just to put their bags in. Half the time those bags are ratty old things that are just not that delicate. There are also the people who sit next to you in class and smack their gum. I have nothing against eating in class or drinking in class, I do it all the time, especially if I'm running late and breakfast for me is a couple of Pop Tarts and a bottle of water. I at least try to eat quietly. But honestly, if you can't chew your food or gum quietly and must make loud smacking sounds as you roll spit and gum/food in your mouth, just refrain from eating in class because its distracting to those of us who are trying to pay attention so that we are not caught off guard when the professor calls on us. No one is going to accept "I'm sorry I couldn't hear the question over the cow next to me chewing its cud." as a reason for not having the anwer. In addition to these, we also have some of the same kinds of people you have in undergrad, like the guy in the front or back of the room who will without fail complicate the issue at hand an insert random commentary based on his life experience.

Well considering the length of this post, which is crazy long, I'd say my blogger's block is broken.

Sometimes

2009-09-14T18:34:00.010-04:00

So I thought that I would treat my readers to a bit of poetry. I guess the movie Saturday night inspired me a bit, and I finally got around to refining a piece I'd written few months ago. I'm pretty sure it is not my best work, but here it is.

Sometimes

Sometimes you don't marry your first love.
Sometimes you keep walking by him.
Sometimes he's right in front of you
but you'll keep missing Mr. Right.
Sometimes love takes a second glance.
Sometimes love needs a second chance.
There is a sudden turn sometimes;
sometimes everything changes.
Take a second look;
maybe stop this time.
Cause sometimes, sometimes
love takes a second glance
and you have to give it a second chance.
Often you wonder if its worth the wait
especially when its always late.
So you close your eyes and walk on by
giving up on seeing whats never there.
One too many broken hearts
one too many forgotten dreams
You look right at the answer
but then you look away.
You think its just another mistake.
Sometimes love takes a second glance.
Sometimes love needs a second chance.
There is a sudden turn sometimes;
sometimes everything changes.
Take a second look;
maybe stop this time.
Cause sometimes, sometimes
love takes a second glance
and you have to give it a second chance.
And then you open your eyes,
you say its the last shot this time,
vowing that there will be no more pain,
hoping he's not the same
as every chance you've taken.
He's reaching out to you
and you're letting go.
You fall and hope he catches you.
Your heart is wide open one more time
and let him in for one more try.
Sometimes love takes a second glance.
Sometimes love needs a second chance.
There is a sudden turn sometimes;
sometimes everything changes.
Take a second look;
maybe stop this time.
Cause sometimes, sometimes
love takes a second glance
and you have to give it a second chance.
Take a second look;
maybe stop this time.
Cause sometimes, sometimes
love takes a second glance
and you have to give it a second chance.

Julie & Julia, or the Last Date for a While

2009-09-13T21:17:00.010-04:00

So after reading Brian's blog entry about this one, I finally decided I had to see it. I'd been thinking about seeing it for awhile, but I didn't want to subject Jacob to another chick flick, though it seems the only decent movies lately have been chick flicks. It saddens me because I love movies of all kinds, but there is some serious fail out there in movie making land. But I digress. Jacob and I are pretty sure that we are not going to get another date night for a while due to the fact that I am getting to be a very busy law student and between work and class he's going to be pretty short on time. Also, Jacob brought my ring back from the jeweler's, which makes me a very happy bunny. It was supposed to be a dinner and a movie kind of date, which is fairly normal for us, but he had some trouble getting off work on time and that made us run a bit late. That meant that we went to a movie about cooking and food, and we were starving because neither of us had eaten.

The movie was great actually, and if you haven't seen I highly recommend that you do so immediately. Both Meryl Streep and Amy Adams were incredible, and Streep was absolutely dead on really. I did find Julie's obsession with Julia a bit strange, but it didn't take away from the overall effect of the movie. In fact I sort of understood why she clung to her the way she did, considering the effect of the stew dish she mentioned. Honestly, I identified with the film because I love to cook, and I would love to learn to cook as well as the two leading characters could. There was also the fact that Julie was a struggling writer with an unfinished novel. We left the movie starving, and I really had the urge to cook something with lots of butter. If I had the time and the fundage, I would definitely love to embark on the challenge of cooking my way through some famous cook's cookbook in a year. But alas, law school makes you both broke and busy. Over all I think this is definitely on my list of movies I will require on DVD when it comes out. Also, while I may not buy it since I have a mad long list, this is also on my books I must read list.

I wish that I could write a blog that spoke to people the way that Julie's did or that I could write something important at all. I guess maybe I can hope for doing something important in the legal field instead. Any way, it's back to the books for me, my Civ Pro text is mocking me as we speak.

22 today and working out is great

2009-09-08T14:27:00.008-04:00

Woke up this morning to find that Jacob had emailed me a recording of him singing happy birthday; his voice tends to make me melt, and it was something special. Nice to hear the voice of someone you love when you live far from home.

Well I'm all moved into my new Bettie Johnson apartment, which is really nice even if its a little small. I unpacked as much as possible last night and did the last of my property for the week as well as my contracts, which will allow me to work on typing up my briefs and fleshing out my notes in those classes. There is going to be a workshop on outlining Thursday, and I've already planned ahead so that I could attend because I have no idea where to begin with that yet. I also wanted to get unpacked and caught up so that I could hit the gym in the new building when I got back from class today. Maybe I'm a freak, but I'm actually really excited about hitting the gym on a regular basis. Working out and getting healthy is part of my birthday present to myself. I bought work out clothes because I know I will feel better if I look better. It was an amazing work out, even if it was a short one. I did 30 minutes on an exercise cycle before my knee started to feel like someone stabbed it with a hot knife. Tomorrow I will definitely be shooting for longer and doing a little more stretching.

I feel pretty good actually, a touch sore in places but that is to be expected. Starting my workout today was an amazing and excellent birthday present. I turned 22 today, and I am taking control of my life in ways that I can. That means I am learning to manage my stress levels, eat healthy, and treat my body better. I'm setting goals that are reasonable instead stupid and dangerous. I am teaching myself to take the time to relax when I need to relax, and I'm working on managing my time better. If I can learn take control of the things I can control and let go of the things that are out of my hands, I can learn to live a healthier and happier life. And that's the plan.

Happy Birthday to Nic!

Long Weekend Straight Ahead

2009-09-01T09:09:00.008-04:00

It's been three weeks, pretty much, and I am finally getting into a rhythm. I have figured out how to manage all my work and my books are filled with brightly colored highlighter. I've got a study schedule that I try to stick to as best as I can. I've ordered a new laptop because there is something wrong with the screen of my current one. It's been a good one and has worked very well until now. I've got two blue/purple lines running down the screen, and shipping and repair will cost me more than its worth. Plus I can't be without my laptop for the week to two weeks for them to look at it and possibly determine that it can't be fixed. But the new one is completely customized with my free upgrades, and its super cute. I won't get it for a week or so, but my current lap top should last me until then. The hard part will transfering my notebook to the new one. Its a serious pain.

I am moving into my new apartment tommorrow afternoon, which is also a hassle. I finally got the apartment closer to campus, so I'm packing everything up, cleaning up the old apartment for inspection and moving fifteen minutes or so down the road. The new apartment is much nicer, even if its a bit smaller. I'm sort of excited about it, though the swapping the rent payments and making sure everything is straight money-wise is a royal pain.

I have tried to get ahead of the game with all my reading and briefing because it is a long weekend up ahead, and I would like some time to relax. It seems that I have just a little work this weekend because I don't have Legal Research for the next two weeks due to Lexis and West Law training, I've got almost all my Torts done for next week, BLS takes no time at all, and half my Property work is done. Contracts is the only class that I don't have my assignment for yet. That means that I can have Sunday off and part of Saturday as long as I work Friday night when I get back to TN and Monday night when I get back to my apartment, which I plan to do. Since Tuesday the 8th is my birthday, and I will be away from everyone, Jake and I are hopefully doing something Sunday. The family and I are doing things Saturday, or at least thats the current plan.

Other than some things I don't think I will talk about here, things have been going well for the last three weeks. I'm not behind in anything, though I do need to type some things up and fill in my notes. Those things won't take long really so I'm alright.

I'm a Survivor

2009-08-22T23:12:00.003-04:00

Week one of law school is over, officially. I have had at two classes of each of my courses, except for Legal Research, which had three, and I just finished my first piece of legal analysis, though I'm not quite sure that I did it right. Either way, I actually tried, and that is what matters since my professor is not grading these. I'm actually just proud that I got it done before tomorrow night since it's due Monday. That means I can print it off here instead on in the library. The week has gone pretty well, except that it's been super busy. That coupled with the fact that I'm pretty sure I was developing a sinus infection, which I pretty much killed with some over the counter medicine, it's been an adventure.

I tried to get my TV and DVD player hooked up, but it failed. Right now, when I am not swamped with briefs to write, I watch TV on Hulu, which I'm pretty sure is a gift from heaven. I managed to unpack everything and get it all put away. I kept the apartment rather clean with the exception of my bedroom, but even it isn't as bad as it could be. I cooked real meals for the most part, which is something I am very proud of to be honest. Other than my diet cokes and cookies, which I eat sparingly, I've managed to eat rather healthy. I can't really cook with much oil, so I bought light popcorn for the microwave, and I bought apples to snack on for the week. I also have apple juice and orange juice in my fridge, and I'm practically chugging water. While I haven't worked out my exercise issue yet (ha ha unintended pun), I am managing that whole eat healthier bit. There is a gym on campus, but I would have to carry gym stuff to work out there. Either way, I'm going to have to get some exercise and figure out how to get some sleep, otherwise I will just remain fat and tired.

I've been able to keep up with the reading and cases pretty well, and I am understanding almost everything very quickly. I'm not a fan of BLS, Legal Research, or Civ Pro, which are all pretty boring classes. BLS and Legal Research are important, or so they tell us, but they are mostly lecture and research/writing practice so it's pretty dull. Civ Pro is just boring and mostly a review of things I learned in undergrad. I really like torts, which has been straight forward and easy, and I'm pretty sure it is the most interesting class I will have all semester. Starting next Friday I will have to attend structured study groups almost every week, which I'm not sure will help me, so even after I don't have Legal Research I will be stuck at the law school.

Well having completed one assignment and only having maybe 7 or so cases to brief for Monday, I think I will call it a night.

It's Official

2009-08-13T18:57:00.004-04:00

I am sitting here in my little apartment, next to a huge stack of very expensive textbooks, officially a law student. Thursday was the last day of orientation for the 1L students, and I went to pick up my massive stack of books. My books were contained in two boxes, and they are huge. My four main texts are the size of dictionaries; I also have a pocket version of Black's Law Dictionary and various smaller books. My first day of actual classes is tomorrow, and already I am covered in work to do. There are lots of cases to brief and pages to read, but I have divided everything up so that it will be manageable. I've bought all my supplies for class as well, like my pens, highlighters, and notebooks. Everything is set now, and as soon as I finish this entry I will be finishing up my work for tomorrow. I already started on it earlier.

I moved into the apartment, completely, as of today. I finally unpacked all my stuff and put it away, and I even made a pitcher of sweet tea; I believe that a place isn't home until there is a pitcher of sweet tea in your fridge. My apartment is a one bedroom place on the top floor of a building right in the middle of the hospital district in downtown. While living by myself is an adjustment, to be honest perhaps the biggest one is the fact that I live where there is a truck load of traffic, pun not intended. I'm not used to the noise outside really; every night is a struggle to get to sleep, but I'm slowly but surely getting better. Life up here is an adventure. I say up here, even though I'm not extremely far north because for the most part Southern accents are few and far between, and I've yet to get a decent glass of sweet tea except for the stuff I made tonight, which is really good. My own accent has been progressively stronger, and I think it is because I seem to be compensating for the lack of accent everywhere.

As for the plan I mentioned, I'm working on getting with it. I haven't bought a lot of junk food for the apartment, but one of my new problems is that I haven't found the gym close to here yet. There's a gym in the student activity center, but it would require me to stay on campus to use it. Since I live downtown there is really no place for me to safely go on a walk. When I finally get my TV and DVD player hooked up I can go back to my cardio work outs on DVD, which were working when I could do them. The Barrister Ball is in the spring, and I am determined to make myself less fat and jiggly by then. It's actually a good thing because it gives me even more motivation to keep up with my plan to get healthy.

Well readers, I better get to work. I have several more cases to brief and about 50 pages more to read.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2009-08-07T13:50:00.004-04:00

So tomorrow morning I head to Louisville to move into my new apartment, and I am both nervous and excited. It has all become real, the move, the new place, the fact that I am in law school.. Almost everything is packed up, with the exception of things that I needed for the last couple of days like pillows and a few clothes; there are boxes sitting around waiting to be loaded into my blazer. My father is finishing up the work on my blazer, and I will put in my locks this afternoon. Yes readers, there is no denying that Nic is moving tomorrow. I packed up my books, which was difficult because I am an admitted bibliophile with too many books to take, and I got all my clothes washed to take with me. I'm coming back next weekend to run the blazer through emissions for my tags, have lunch with my Grandpa Eddie, and a few other things; hopefully Jacob will have time off so that I can see him next weekend before I leave sometime Sunday. I will have some reading to do that weekend so I can't do much.

I registered my classes wednesday night, so all that's left there is to order my books. I'm not a fan of my schedule, but I didn't get to pick it because I am just a 1L; I only have one class on Fridays, which is nice, and a huge break on everyday, which I'm not sure I like very much. I'm not looking forward to the price of my books; they are super expensive. Here's what my schedule looks like for the semester:

Monday/Wednesday/Friday

Legal Research 9:00AM - 9:50AM

Monday/Wednesday

Basic Legal Skills 10:25AM - 11:40AM
Civil Procedure I 1:00PM - 2:15PM
Torts I 2:25PM - 3:40PM

Tuesday/Thursday

Propert I 9:00AM - 10:15AM
Contracts I 2:25PM - 3:40PM

I've got a to do list that keeps growing: everything from picking up the last things for the apartment to getting my laptop connected to their system and doing my first assignment in contracts, which I have just now gotten to open up for me. I think I will probably get started on my contracts assignment tonight, that way maybe I will have it printed off as soon as I possibly can. It's just a case brief, which I've done before, so it shouldn't be too difficult. Well I better get back to work. The next entry will be from my new apartment.

So I have a plan...

2009-07-30T14:28:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here, and it's raining again, which means that I can't go put the locks and window motor in my blazer. That sort of thing can't get wet. I hate this weather because it can't decide whether its going to rain or not, and every five minutes or so the rain either starts or stops. Maybe this afternoon when my dad gets home I will be able to work on my ride; I hate trying to work on it without him anyway because while I can do a lot of things to it, I just feel more comfortable when he's around. So since I can't work on the blazer, I figured I would write a little bit about my latest plan. I know, not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but hey, I don't think many people are reading this thing anyway. What is this plan? Well I'm hoping that if I get started on my fitness quest before I start law school in the next two weeks, I will be less likely to give up as time goes on and things get more difficult. Starting Saturday I will be working very hard to achieve my goal.

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Nic, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I've always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I'm willing to admit that. I'm also willing to admit that it's going to be a long road because I'm in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don't have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I'm actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

I'm addicted to caffeine and chocolate, two things that aren't exactly healthy. Along those same lines, I have a serious sweet tooth, and one of my favorite things is to bake and create sweet treats because it allows me to be creative.
I have a bad snacking habit; I snack while I work on papers and stuff and while I read, and I'm really bad about getting the munchies, especially during a certain week. I'm working to improve this by drinking more water and eating healthier snacks like apples, raw almonds, and popcorn that I pop myself with no butter and just a very little salt.
I don't sleep as well as I should; I'm really bad about not sleeping when I should or getting enough sleep. I know that sleep is important because it helps your body recharge and repair. I'm not sure what to do about the sleep issue because it's a matter of not being able to convince myself to shut down.
I tend to get stressed and irritated, and when I do I get distracted. This is a problem because I let my stress and frustration distract me from my work out, for example I get too mad to run or lift weights or whatever. So to combat this little hitch, I'm going to turn my frustration and irritation into work out fuel.
I tend to get too busy and too tired to work out. I will become so mired down in work and other life stresses, and it flat wears me out. I lack the energy to do the work out I know I should be doing. I'm not sure how I will combat this problem cause, to be honest, I've never been able to do it in the past.
I'm not patient, and so when I don't start seeing results soon enough, I find it hard to keep it up. I know that it takes time to start seeing weight loss and a change in the way my clothes fit, but I've never been a very patient person. I think this problem that arises from growing up in a family of drag racers.

I'm determined to make this work, and I will succeed this time, even though I have not before now. Now is the time for me; if not now then when? I keep putting it off and waiting, but I can't do that any more. If I keep doing that I will never do it; I know that. I have never been super thin or really fit, but once upon a time I was not as fat as I am now. My hope is that by next summer, when I go to PCB with Jacob because I promised him I would go, that I will be fit and pretty and swimsuit ready. I want to be all toned and gorgeous and everything, and I will be. I know that underneath my chunk is pretty, and I am determined to find it.

The Move Gets Closer

2009-07-15T17:52:00.005-04:00

So right now I'm guaranteed a seat at Brandeis, and I will have a home, though it may not be the apartment I thought I was going to get. Calling the apartment complex office is on my list of things to do because apparently if I call and ask politely about my lease I might be able to bump my way up the waiting list, which I've been told is really short. I'm definitely not wanting to live in traditional housing, with a roommate and no kitchen, because I don't play nice with others. OK, so maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but I'm not really good with living with strangers, partially because I am strange myself. I keep weird hours and have strange mannerisms, plus I don't want to be living with a person I don't know who might have stranger habits than mine, plus my luck I would have a roommate with a boyfriend who lives in state and would over a lot, which is not cool. Single apartment is a much better environment for the Nic.

Things I need to do before the move:

Check up on the apartment and lease, hopefully get myself bumped up to the top of the list and get it.
Finish handling all the student loan paperwork and make sure all the money gets where it belongs.
Find out what the contracts assignment is going to be for orientation.
Arrange for a hotel room for the week of orientation since unless I've get into traditional housing, which I do not want, I can't move in until the 15th.
Decide what goes to KY with me and what stays behind, since even if I get the apartment it will be small.
Finish up all the shopping for the necessities; I still need stuff for the apartment, even though Nanny bought me pots, utensils, and a few other things.
Drive up to the campus to make sure that I know where places are.

Meanwhile, here in the Boro I am attempting make the best of my last few weeks of freedom before I take off for law school and make sure that I take care of all my Boro business, like check ups, tags, and a hair appointment. How am I making the most of these weeks? Well thus far, Jake and I have gone out a bunch, even went to the zoo in Nash-Vegas, and I've been relaxing and catching up on my reading, which is something I never get to do during classes. Speaking of classes, I read on Meg's blog that MTSU classes should start at the end of August, while mine will start on the 17th, which means that I am envious of all my undergrad friends who get at least an extra week reprieve. While I'm already hitting the books and hard, everyone else will be moseying their way back to classes for an easy first couple of days. I'm hoping that if I have my own apartment I might be able to invite Jake up for dinner and stuff, just during that week before he starts classes. I'm going to miss him.

I have a home... at least a temporary law school home

2009-07-04T22:11:00.005-04:00

Happy 4th of July American readers; it's a rainy one here in the mid-state. Yesterday, I got my lease agreement from the apartment complex on campus in the mail, which means that provided I get my stuff back in time, including my deposit, I will have a place to live come August when I move to law school. They are super nice apartments, and I have a one bedroom, one bathroom, single apartment that comes furnished with utilities included in my rent. It's got phone with caller id, cable, and Internet, so I don't have to be worried about those things. The complex has a pool, stand up tanning bed, lounge, volleyball court, fitness center, and a cornhole (whatever that is); so I suppose it's worth my rent, which is not, I repeat, not, cheap. I'm looking forward to move in day, except for that whole not being in the same state as Jake and the mockers and all. But first there will be shopping because I'm going to need a lot of stuff. Mama and Nanny are really getting into this whole supply Nic with the necessities like plates, bowls, glasses, and the like thing. I'm not looking forward to the shopping.

I'm going to need sheets for the bed, which is really too small but that's life, towels, a small bookcase, the cooking stuff, and some things for storage and what not. So many things to get, and there is the moving in to be done. I will pack up the blazer, and maybe someone else's car, though mostly the blazer, and head to KY, where once unpacked and stuff I will stay, except on some weekends, like in November when MTSU has the invitational and I come judge, and when I feel like visiting my family and Jake, and of course holidays. I'm not going to lie; I will probably miss home a lot. I'm taking Belle and Athena and Nike, the frogs, several of my books, my satin pillow, my mushroom chair, and my pictures, which will help it seem more like home, but last time I was in Louisville the waiter at the restaurant where I was having dinner couldn't bring me sweet tea, which means I will be a little far from home. Yes, I belong in a place where the tea is sweet, the barbecue is pulled from the grill and falls off the bone, and when the sun sets the only lights you see come from the fireflies and the porch lights. I'm that Southern, with a capital S thank you very much.

I am making a list and deciding what moves to Louisville and what stays in TN, and it is not an easy list to make. Things I would like to take with me but can't include: my bookshelf that Granddaddy made for me when I was a little girl, Little Bit the rottie who has adopted me, my big bed, and Jake who must remain in TN to finish college. I'm taking my jewelry, most of my shoes, a lot of my clothes (the apartment has on site laundry facilities), my laptop of course, my Tokyo sign for the M*A*S*H show, and various things to make the place home. I'm going to miss my family, my mockers, a few non-mockers, Jake, and Little Bit, but I will be taking things that remind me of most of them, and besides I'm always accessible via email and Facebook. Moving in is a little over a month away, and I'm trying hard to be ready.

One of those challenges: Healthy Lifestyle

2009-06-25T13:09:00.005-04:00

There are a lot of challenges I will be facing over the next few years; everything from time management to meeting new people and from maintaining a healthy relationship with Jacob to maintaining a healthy body. I know that law school will be a high stress environment, and I know that it will not be easy for me to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Today I'm going to blog about the potential difficulty of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. If I am incredibly lucky when I apply for housing tonight I will be able to cook my own food, which is healthier than eating out every day, which is my other option. Even if I only eat at the healthiest places, it will still be difficult. I have enough trouble staying healthy and fit as it is, which is a failing I am working on, though its not easy. Let's just say I have let stress and a busy life be a reason for me to let myself go. I've been abusing me body with high stress, low sleep, poor eating habits, and no time for exercise, and it has taken its toll. Well I'm beginning to see things differently, especially with my five year reunion in May of next year and being tired of every single summer having difficulty with that evil that is swimsuit season and realizing that if I don't change something now I may never change.

I will not tell you what size pants I wear, though Jacob knows, and I will not say what dress size and shirt size. Instead I will give you the wonderfully vague: I'm too fat. I am without a doubt bigger than I would like to be. Since the summer is waning I will have to work extra hard to trim down. I'm tired of being chubby, and I am chubby around the middle and thighs, and I've got a huge butt. Don't get me wrong, I love my curves like you wouldn't believe, but I do have too much curve in a couple of places. I do not want to be skinny at all because that would just look really disgusting on me; I'm fairly tall, and so I would look like a toothpick if I were too tiny. I just want to be trim and fit, healthy you know; if I get healthy then I will probably have a pretty awesome hourglass figure since I'm so naturally curvy.

So I'm going to start eating better, looking at food as fuel for my body, and working out more. The problem is making the time to do what needs to be done; it's really rather frustrating to be quite honest. I'm going to have to work a lot harder because my metabolism has slowed down, and I suppose because I am getting older it is harder for me to lose weight and tone up. Heavy sigh, wish me luck.

It's Complicated

2009-06-17T15:02:00.004-04:00

So getting accepted to a law school is only half the battle. The harder part is paying for that education and getting everything settled. You see I have to look up student loans and scholarships, and I've already sent in my seat deposit. Law school is expensive, and I'm not sure how I will pay for it. I know that once I get out I will have a truck load of debt to repay, but I will come up with a way to handle it all. I have to. The tricky part is not going overboard; I don't want to be so far in debt that digging myself out becomes almost impossible. I don't like the idea of debt, though I know it's pretty impossible to avoid. At the moment, I only have one real payment to make, and that is the insurance on my blazer. Eventually I will be buyin' my own food again, more than I did when I was in college, and I will have to pay for room and board at Brandeis. I'm pretty sure that the days of living on my scholarship refund are over and done. I had to grow up sometime. I will need to look for work, possibly, though I'm not sure that I will be able to hold down even a part time job while in law school, especially during my first year, since I heard that in your first year they scare you to death with the amount of work.

Getting everything settled has been a challenge. I've had to set up two accounts so far, one for my student email and one for student housing, and I'm sure that I will have to do another before I even get to the campus. The moving in will be a pain because I will have drag all my stuff, at least the stuff I'm going to bring, across state lines to KY. Good thing I drive a mid-size SUV, I guess. I've been to Louisville twice, both times I was on a regionals trip with the mockers, those crazies who do Mock Trial at MTSU; I stayed in a hotel room and only went out to get food and to go to the courthouse for rounds. I've never actually looked around the city to see what is there. Not that I anticipate a lot of time to go out and do things.

Law school preparations are complicated.

First Post of the New Blog

2009-06-15T13:00:00.006-04:00

So this is the first post of my more public blog. I decided to chronicle the craziness that is my life since receiving my acceptance letter to law school, in a more public blog; I have a private blog elsewhere, one that only a few people know about, and I will still write there. But here I will write about all things crazy and fantastic as my life goes from undergrad student at MTSU to law student at Brandeis School of Law in Louisville and then beyond. I will attempt to keep this think updated as frequently as possible and I will try to keep this thing from falling into disuse. So why don't I start with a little about this blog and me.

My name is Nic, ok so really its Nicole, which is my middle name, but that's beside the point; here I will write as Nic, cause I think that is a fun name, and one of my friends, Meg, uses that as a nickname and I like it. I am in my early twenties, a graduate of MTSU with a BS in Political Science with Concentration in Pre-Law, Minor in English with a focus of Literature, and now I am a law student, or I will be in the fall. Right now I am filling out a money order for my seat deposit at Brandeis and doing searches to find a way to pay for my crazy plans for higher education. I am a total bibliophile, which means I am addicted to books, and a lover of good music and old movies. I speak with a Southern accent, and my heritage involves German, Irish, Scots, English, Native American, and probably more. I enjoy cooking, though I'm not really domestic, and I love to write, hence I blog. I'm an animal lover and an amateur photographer.

What's up with the strange title? Well I'm a huge tomboy, and all things girly tend to escape me most of the time. I'm only all dolled up when I need to be, like for dates, mock trial tournaments, family events, and all those things that require a woman to look nice. My nail polish is always chipped, even if I painted my nails five minutes ago, and my jeans are normally well worn. Let's just say my jeans cost less than those 'destructed' jeans you buy at that high priced shop, and yet they look the same, only my destruction comes from wear and tear. I will literally wear my jeans to death. I have a funky sense of style; by that I mean I love to wear cool dangly earrings, pair my heels with jeans and a blazer over so sort of bright tank or t-shirt, if I could sew, which I want to learn to do, I would design and make my own clothes. Cooking and baking are my only domestic traits, and an addiction to cool earrings, flip flops, and funky jewelry are the only things that I like that are fairly girly. I make my own jewelry, when I can get my hands on supplies, and I'm big into arts and crafty things.

That's about all I've got for you right now. What I need to do now is drop my seat deposit in the mail, create a header image for this blog, and edit an image for my profile.